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marvick · Feb 14, 2009, 11:44 PM

My husband left me for his high school girlfriend, that's after being married for 25 years, is it mid-life crisis, could he be really in love with this women, and what is the percentage of it working out for them long-term?

Nic

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 15, 2009, 12:05 AM

That depends on the couple and their compatibility. But I think there's really a 50% chance of ANY couple working out long term, it depends on the effort of both individuals. I'm sure this could be lessened if it is truly a mid life crisis. I apologize for your pain and sense of betrayal. I wish you the best of luck. If he thinks that there's someone out there better for him than you, then there's surely someone better out there for you than him. Don't sit there and wait for him to want you back. Move on with your life. Not to be crude, but you (and everyone) deserves to be happy. Let yourself. I wish you the best of luck!

maria7632 · Feb 15, 2009, 12:23 AM

His relationship with her may last because he may have had feelings for her the entire time you were together.we as people are capable of loving more than one person at a time but is only in love with one person. I am sorry for your pain, but be strong and forgive him so you can move on.

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 15, 2009, 12:27 AM

Are there children involved?

marvick · Feb 15, 2009, 12:55 AM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

Are there children involved?

Yes, 19 and 23,

marvick · Feb 15, 2009, 12:55 AM

Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

Are there children involved?

Yes, 19 and 23,

ChihuahuaMomma · Feb 15, 2009, 01:01 AM

Then they are old enough where child support and custody won't be an issue. I think it sounds like you are free to start a new life. Re-invent yourself, do what you never had the chance to do as a caring mother and devoted wife. Have fun... This time is for you.

Clough · Feb 15, 2009, 01:56 AM

Hi, marvick!

How are you really feeling concerning this situation, please?

Thanks!

frangipanis · Feb 15, 2009, 05:04 AM

Originally Posted by marvick

My husband left me for his high school girlfriend, thats after being married for 25 years, is it mid-life crisis, could he be really in love with this women, and what is the percentage of it working out for them long-term?

Nic

Hi Nic, I'm sorry your husband has betrayed you like that... I just hope you don't waste much more of your life thinking about how happy or disappointed he might be feeling right now, as he has already made his choices and you now have your own life to live.

I have no idea how common it is or how happy that sort of relationship works out in the end, but after 15 years into our 20 year relationship, my ex tracked down a woman he had been in love with at university, and who I had always known he wanted to marry, but that it hadn't worked out.

As he is 17 years older than me, I was always fine knowing he had been that much in love a long time ago. However, when I found out he had gone to a lot of trouble tracking her down through the internet (she lives in the US), I was really hurt, incredibly insulted and very very angry! More so because at the time he hadn't been working and I had been making a huge effort trying to keep him happy and our lives stable. And although we stayed married a number of years after that, looking back now, it really did mark the end of our marriage for me.

I'm not sure if they stayed in contact over the years or not, and I don't think they did, but it didn't take him long after our marriage ended five years later to be in contact with her again. He mistakenly sent me an email intended for her... that, apart from anything else, showed he was lying to me at the time... do'h. And although we were flat broke at the time and he was supposedly unwell and unable to work so couldn't pay any child support, he managed to fly to the States to be with her only a few months later.

I have the feeling he was hoping they would marry and spend the rest of their lives together. The fact is, he visited her twice, with the second trip having been suddenly cut short. As he hasn't been back to the US since, I imagine they decided to remain only friends. (she actually seems like a very nice woman, btw)

I'm sure he thought about her throughout our marriage and sometimes imagined his life would have much happier had he married her. He must have been very disappointed to find their relationship wasn't working out the way he had hoped, when after all those years, he finally had a chance to be with her.

So no, long story short, jumping the fence to experience life on the other side isn't always going to make you happier. When people are very unhappy, they sometimes reach out to someone from their past who they believe will make them feel the same as they did when were young. It's not so much a silly thing to do, as it is hurtful and disappointing to the people they've turned their backs on in their effort to find happiness for themselves.

Don't linger too long hoping he'll realise his mistake and come back to you. You have the opportunity now to make more of your own life; so when you're ready, I hope you make the most of it.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 15, 2009, 06:39 AM

I know it is a desire to see things go back like normal, but to be honest it never can, the break of trust will be hard to cure.
Even if he breaks up with her, the highest odds are he will not come back to you for many reasons.

Mid life crisis is more an excuse for men to run wild like kids and not be held accountable for it as much by society.

Most men may always have a soft spot in their heart for that high school sweetheart. I know for me there was a wonderful lady named Martha that perhaps aways will have a special place in my heart. But as we moved on and married that is the only place it should be, in my memory.

Most likey his memory of their relationship is far different than what their real life is now. Seldom is real life like our dreams.

But I guess why do you want him back, why are you not looking forward to a new life , a better life

mick5555 · Feb 19, 2009, 09:09 PM

This women dumped him back in high school for someone that at the time had more money! now that my ex-husband and I are doing well, (we both own 3 construction companies), I guess that I just feel that she is now back in his life because of what he can offer her!, its now so complicated having to divide all of our assets!, for what?, so that he can find happiness with this women?, it makes me angry, I'm hurt that he would put me and my children through this fiasco!, I have no idea who this men I was married to is anymore!

I read what others are saying, to move on, to get strong, but all I feel right now is that this other women has stolen my life, my dreams! my future!, we did have a wonderful marriage! we had tuff times, (we lost a daugther), so much history!, its just not fair,, I hope that what comes around goes around

Marvick

DoulaLC · Feb 20, 2009, 05:09 PM

The grass often seems greener... until you realize that you will still have to mow it over there too.

You'll have to decide whether you feel you can rebuild the relationship if he does come back. By that time, you may be in a place to forgive and rebuild... or you may find you like the new life you will have made for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are having to endure this situation. It is truly painful... but you can be stronger once you get through it. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. Surround yourself with your family and friends to support you.

mick5555 · Feb 20, 2009, 09:30 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

The grass often seems greener.....until you realize that you will still have to mow it over there too.

You'll have to decide whether or not you feel you can rebuild the relationship if he does come back. By that time, you may be in a place to forgive and rebuild....or you may find you like the new life you will have made for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are having to endure this situation. It is truly painful...but you can be stronger once you get through it. Unfortunately there is no quick fix. Surround yourself with your family and friends to support you.

Thank you for your kind words,

Jake2008 · Feb 21, 2009, 05:07 AM

Maybe another thought to ponder here.

The focus may seem to all be directed to the x-girlfriend, but that it happens to be her he hooked up with, doesn't mean that he wouldn't have hooked up with somebody else either.

If you take OUT the fact that it is somebody he knew way back when, and this was a complete stranger, how would you view the situation.

He has still chasing a dream, and has made a decision to fold on his marriage. I don't know that because it is a person he knows, would make any difference in the outcome of him coming back, or not.

It is not unheard of that marriages can mend after disasters like this. He may very well realize that the grass is full of weeds, and the roses have turned into dandylions, and those fields of wildflowers bordering on a sandy beach in the moonlight, really was, just a dream after all.

mick5555 · Feb 21, 2009, 09:50 AM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Maybe another thought to ponder here.

The focus may seem to all be directed to the x-girlfriend, but that it happens to be her he hooked up with, doesn't mean that he wouldn't have hooked up with somebody else either.

If you take OUT the fact that it is somebody he knew way back when, and this was a complete stranger, how would you view the situation.

He has still chasing a dream, and has made a decision to fold on his marriage. I don't know that because it is a person he knows, would make any difference in the outcome of him coming back, or not.

It is not unheard of that marriages can mend after disasters like this. He may very well realize that the grass is full of weeds, and the roses have turned into dandylions, and those fields of wildflowers bordering on a sandy beach in the moonlight, really was, just a dream afterall.

Thank you, your very sweet, and I'm hoping your right, I want him to feel the pain someday that he made me feel, want him to suffer the way I have, and am.