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TLR · Jan 1, 2010, 03:08 PM

My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years. Not a first marriage for either of us. We are in our forties. For the last 2 years things keep getting worse. My husband refuses to spend time with me, refuses to talk to me about our problems. He basically comes home from work and wants dinner ready, asks me for a ride to the pub and then wants me to come pick him up any where from 2 to 7 hours later. If I don't do these things he totally ignores me. There is no affection from him though he does like to cuddle when he is passed out. He has never invited me to come back home with him to England. 3 weeks before Christmas he announced he was going to see his family in England and as I dropped him off at the airport he said I love you but things have been wrong for a while and I don't think we can fix them. As I was driving away he called me on my cell and I said if you don't want to be with me, do you want a divorce. He said we don't have to do that right now. He realizes that it is unfair for me to be the only one who wants to fix things and he will have to think about it. His flight was on December 26 and he has yet to call, text or email me and I have no contact number for him because he took the phone book with him. It will be a week tomorrow and absolutely no contact. I find this to be very cruel to leave on such a note and never call to even say that he arrived safely. My father wants to buy me a plane ticket to fly out the day he gets home and let him either prove he wants to work on it or get a divorce. I have had 3 serious traumas this year and don't want to make the wrong decision just because I am feeling a little defeated.

tickle · Jan 1, 2010, 04:59 PM

Take your dad up on his offer to buy you a plane ticket. Your dad is correct, he has to prove he wants to work on it. Quite cold of him to cell you as you were driving hom and saying what he did. That was totally unnecessary. He didn't have enough nerve to say it to your face.

Yes, your marriage needs work. I hope there are no children involved. Visit your dad where you will have some support and affection for the time being.

Tick

Jake2008 · Jan 1, 2010, 07:01 PM

I agree with Tickle that you need to spend time with your dad, and please take him up on that offer.

There is quite an arrogance about your husband, even from the few words you have written. He expects a maid/houskeeper/driver, and pouts when he doesn't get it. I realize you do the things he expects because it makes him happy, but, it seems he does precious little to show appreciation.

You have to be able to do two things. Get him to take you seriously about working on the marriage because you are unhappy with the way things are, and two, insist that if he is serious about making changes, he has to attend counselling. That would be the minimum requirement for you to entertain the idea that he is willing to make changes.

I find it particularly hurtful that he has gone overseas, particularly at Christmas, and particularly at a time where you need to be with him. He is either totally arrogant, or absolutely clueless.

Have a good visit with your family, and gain back your footing. This will have to be dealt with one way or the other.

Catsmine · Jan 1, 2010, 07:29 PM

This is called abandonment. It is grounds for divorce in every state and territory of the U.S. I believe Ireland and the U.K. have equally clear statutes.

Go see your Dad. File from there. Take everything you can find.

Gemini54 · Jan 1, 2010, 10:14 PM

I don't want to be rude, because it is the new year and all, but your husband sounds like a complete and total jerk. Either than or he has the communications skills of a chimpanzee.

He rings you to ask you if you want a divorce? He's been away since Christmas and hasn't contacted you? Surely you can Google his family's name in the UK and look him up? There are ways to track people down.

I'd be taking up your father's offer and leaving the marital home to give all of this some thought - the first question I'd be asking myself is - is there anything left to work on?

And, I would leave before he comes back... if he does.

TLR · Jan 3, 2010, 07:08 AM

I truly appreciate everyone's response and it reaffirms my gut feeling that I should go to my father's house before he gets back. This past year my daughter (26yr) was almost killed in an accident, she had extensive injuries, I have been laid off 2 times and on the 4th of July I was in a car accident that left me with 4 months of physical therapy and I have attended the funeral of 4 people who were very close to me. This has made me much more emotional than usual, as you can imagine. Your advice is exactly what I needed to help give me some strength. I know what I have to do, I guess that I just don't want to do, but I will. Just a little weary. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

jmjoseph · Jan 3, 2010, 07:38 AM

You deserve to be happy.

This is not your fault, I hope you understand that.

Go enjoy spending time with the people you love, and who love you in return.

Even if he does try to beg you back, I would be reluctant to believe anything he tells you. Because behavior like this does not change overnight. He is a spineless, selfish, horse's .

God bless you.

Cat1864 · Jan 3, 2010, 10:07 AM

When is he 'supposed' to be back?

You probably should contact a lawyer before you 'move out' to be certain that he can't claim abandonment if he comes home to you not being there. I would also be prepared for him to have already started divorce/separation proceedings (or at least talking to a lawyer) before he went on his visit.

Which country are you currently residing in? Where does your father live?

I hope this year is a much better one for you. Also, remember that this thread is here no matter what you decide to do. Support is going to a major factor and this site is great for that along with the advice. Just keep adding to this thread any time you feel the need to rant or get more help.

TLR · Jan 3, 2010, 03:01 PM

He is supposed to return on January 10th. We live in Florida, my father in Texas. Florida is a no fault divorce state and they don't have legal separations, the abandonment won't apply in this instance unless a great deal of time has passed. Also we have no children between us, thankfully. I have checked it out. I am sure that it will be a short amount of time before I return to start the proceedings. I just need a breather. I don't forsee any reconciliations here. A major shift would have to occur and as much as I wanted this to all work, it's painfully obvious that it is not a priority for my husband. You are right, support is going to be a major factor. This site has already helped me more I could have imagined.

Cat1864 · Jan 3, 2010, 04:08 PM

I am glad that you are taking a proactive stance in being certain what your rights are.

Taking a breather is a good idea.

Good luck and a hope for happiness in the future.

Catsmine · Jan 3, 2010, 04:18 PM

Originally Posted by TLR

He is supposed to return on January 10th. We live in Florida, my father in Texas. Florida is a no fault divorce state and they don't have legal separations, the abandonment won't apply in this instance unless a great deal of time has passed. Also we have no children between us, thankfully. I have checked it out. I am sure that it will be a short amount of time before I return to start the proceedings. I just need a breather. I don't forsee any reconciliations here. A major shift would have to occur and as much as I wanted this to all work, it's painfully obvious that it is not a priority for my husband. You are right, support is going to be a major factor. This site has already helped me more I could have imagined.

Consult an attorney before you head for your Dad's. Florida laws are strange if I recall correctly. Make certain your attorney (there or in TX) is licensed in Florida.

You may consider filing before he returns, but be guided by your counsel.

TLR · Jan 3, 2010, 07:34 PM

I have a question. Some of my family believes that I shouldn't be here when he returns. Others think I should meet him at the airport and tell him that we should just end it. My plan was to leave him a note explaining that I would be gone a few weeks and that I would return to sort some things out. His refusal to contact me leads me to believe that he simply doesn't care anymore. There have been many red flags but I have had so much happen this year that I think I just didn't want to see them. I do have hope for happiness. I know that when one door closes, another opens even if it is hellish in the hallway between the two. Your well wishing for me gives me comfort. Thank you.

Cat1864 · Jan 3, 2010, 08:31 PM

Giving it some thought, I would probably go with having your bags packed ready to go to your father's house for a visit when your husband gets home. Telling him face to face might seem harder to do, but it is a more mature way to handle the situation.

Another reason I wouldn't leave before he returns is that there is a chance he may not or may end up being delayed through no fault of his own. I don't know what your living arrangements are, but I would be concerned about leaving the house/apartment for any length of time without someone there to take care of it.

TLR · Jan 3, 2010, 09:53 PM

Thank you. It will be harder for me because I think there are more feelings on my end than his and I don't relish the thought of being stonewalled, but it is the mature thing to do.

Cat1864 · Jan 3, 2010, 10:25 PM

Originally Posted by TLR

Thank you. It will be harder for me because I think there are more feelings on my end than his and I don't relish the thought of being stonewalled, but it is the mature thing to do.

Dignity and self-respect are really hard to rebuild even if keeping them adds more discomfort. From your first post, I have gotten the impression that, after this past year, those are two traits that you aren't going to allow him to cause you to let go of.

Stay true to yourself. Remember that you have support in so many different places.

Do you have any relatives or friend's close by who can give you a physical shoulder to lean on until you can take your vacation?

TLR · Jan 3, 2010, 10:34 PM

Yes, the town I live in is the town I grew up in. A lot of relative are here including both my daughters. Going to Texas is really getting away from here, not so much going home. My parents split when I was really young. I am lucky enough to have 2 supportive and loving families.

dontknownuthin · Jan 4, 2010, 07:28 PM

My gut tells me that he is not planning to return and rather is walking away and trying to avoid paying you any support. I'd file for divorce as soon as possible, take whatever measures you can to freeze your money to prevent him from taking it. I don't trust him. And no, this doesn't sound like a marriage worth saving - he's not interested, is not willing to work on it, is not treating you well, and is not even there, so what's to save? He also sounds like an alcoholic - a many who needs a ride to a pub every day in his forties has something wrong with him. You can do better - including the option of being alone.

TLR · Jan 5, 2010, 12:44 PM

Thanks. You are right, I would be better off alone than in this marriage. He still hasn't called me and it has actually been the best thing for him to do as it is making it so much easier for me. He'll be back. His return flight is on the tenth. He has a really good job (That my stepfather got him) and we have no children together so I don't think he is thinking he will have any obligations to me. I don't trust him anymore either. And I realize that there is nothing here to save, except myself.

tickle · Jan 5, 2010, 01:00 PM

Get on with your life then and take break and don't think of this for a while. I hope you can approach any outcome with a fresh mind.

Tick

Cat1864 · Jan 5, 2010, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by TLR

Thanks. You are right, I would be better off alone than in this marriage. He still hasn't called me and it has actually been the best thing for him to do as it is making it so much easier for me. He'll be back. His return flight is on the tenth. He has a really good job (That my stepfather got him) and we have no children together so I don't think he is thinking he will have any obligations to me. I don't trust him anymore either. And I realize that there is nothing here to save, except myself.

I am glad that you have a lot of family around you plus a good place to regroup at.

I am going to suggest that before you leave you get anything of value or is valued that is solely your property out of the house. Things like baby pictures, children's keepsakes, etc. that you don't want to take a chance on something happening to, but just the items that wouldn't be subject to division in a divorce proceeding. Your personal clothing and jewelry, too. I don't know how he will react when he realizes that his driver and housekeeper are not home to make his life more comfortable. He may think he is okay with that thought, but reality is quite a bit different.

Good luck.