[coldinside]

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. I am a jealeous, and insecure person. I have issues with my husbands chosen friendship with another couple. At first I thought the wife would be my friend. But it turns out she is mainly my husbands friend. They both have lots incommon, or at least get on well. I am always left out of the conversion. I don't have anything in common with this person. She knows I don't like her and is interferring in my family life. My husband visits the couple when ever I'm not around. My husband has changed since I made it clear how I felt about this friendship. He had reacted abusively. I feel she enjoys the fact that My husband would rather spend time with for hours rather than his own family. I don't know how often they talk. I don't know what to think. What do you think.

[talaniman]

* I am a jealeous, and insecure person.
*I have issues with my husbands chosen friendship with another couple.
*She knows I don't like her and is interferring in my family life..!

What do you think?

Your whole post says you need someone whom you trust, and respect to talk to.

Do you know someone who fits that bill?

[coldinside]

I have friends, I think I need someone I don't know to give me a partial answer. I have had quite a few arguments over this and I think he is at the point where he can't be bothered about how I feel. I don't think he has really bothered or cared about my opinions anyway.

[IWHO]

My husband visits the couple when ever I'm not around. My husband has changed since I made it clear how I felt about this friendship. He had reacted abusively.

The fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about your feelings towards this couple indicates a lack of respect for you. The fact that he reacted abusively when you told him about your feelings indicates a lack of respect for you.

Forget the couple for a moment... What was your relationship like BEFORE this couple came into the picture? Did you husband treat you properly and respect you before?

How, when, and why did you become so insecure in your relationship with him?

And what does the husband of this couple think about YOUR husband spending so much time over there? Is he always there when your husband goes over there?

Is your husband going to leave you? It sounds like he already did... emotionally anyway... but, it may not be too late to get back what you once had... but you need to identify how your relationship has been, when and if it actually changed, and what you need to do to get it back to the way it was...

If he changed ONLY after meeting this couple, then maybe you need to try harder to see why he likes them so much... I know being left out of a conversation is a hard thing... and I know having to compete in a conversation on a level that you are unfamiliar with is hard... maybe try to learn about what it is that they talk about and talk to your husband more about it at home so you can get as much knowledge as you can about their conversation subjects so you can join in... that would also let him know that you are interested in HIM...

He may just like the attention she/the couple gives him... the understanding... men need to feel understood, wanted, desired, etc. just as much as women do... do you show him all those things? Be subtle, but let him know by your actions how much you love and desire him... tell him how nice he looks... cook him his favorite meal... give him a neck massage... take him a treat while he is watching TV... you know him better than she does... use that to your advantage to get his attention back...

If he insists on going over there, GO WITH HIM... do NOT leave him alone with her/them... you need to know what you are up against... and NOT going over there leaves you vulnerable... and if you have to go over there, fake your friendship with this girl/couple... kill them with kindness... and keep you eyes open...

[Fr_Chuck]

If that specific couple bothers you, ask or even tell your husband you want to find new friends.

But yes, just don't allow him to go there alone again.

[Gemini54]

I am asking myself, why are you jealous and insecure?

One of life's ironies is that the more we fear something, the more likely it is to happen. We manifest it with our thoughts and our unconscious expectation that it will happen.

Jealousy inevitably ends up driving the other person away - this is what you don't want, but this is what you're creating with your fears and actions.

Other posters have given some great advice about how you should approach the issue - I will only say one thing - it's really important that you examine where your anxiety and insecurity come from. Trust issues can destroy a relationship very quickly, and it may be that your husband is sick of your jealousy.

Please be prepared to acknowledge that the other couple may not be the problem at all, it may be your response to the situation that is causing the problems.

[talaniman]

I think you need a life that you enjoy, outside of your husband.

Telling him what to do, and expecting it to make you happy is not very realistic, and causes problems, and resentment.

Your responsible for your own happiness, not him. Then you'll have something to share besides your suspicions, jealousy, or insecurities.

[Jake2008]

I can sort of relate to this, and wish I'd had a place to go way back when, to ask about it.

I remember a couple my husband and I used to visit. I was always uncomfortable there, and he was always the centre of attention. Being the wallflower, nobody noticed when my glass was empty, or bothered to include me in conversation. This was unusual for me because I never had a problem getting along with anybody. But they loved him.

Another time was with a going away hockey pub night when we were moving across the country. I had attended every game and practise, and always sat with the other wives. They 'retired' my husband's number, and presented him with an engraved beer mug, a lovely card signed by everybody, and they all wished HIM well.

I know it sounds petty, but I was left out of everything. Not a single comment to me.

These examples, although not exactly what you're going through, tell the same story. I too felt hurt and left out, and thought there was something wrong with ME. My husband never understood why I felt the way I did.

I don't think it takes too much to make someone feel comfortable, especially when you invite them to your home. Even if they are not your kind of people, you make sure they are comfortable and tended to, talked to, and welcomed. Being ignored is just rude.

When it is a couples thing, that means 4, not three people. It's not okay to see someone left out, and not do anything about it. They are not people that I'd like to know either.

I agree to let him do his thing. You cannot change the dynamic of the relationship, it won't get any better. I was four years with the women from the hockey team, and not even a lousy card.

Seek out and enjoy your own friends, or make an effort to see more of the mutual friends you and your husband have in common.

Don't sit and stew about it, and you've been given a lot of good advice here. I don't think there is anything wrong with you; you just aren't 'feeling it' with this couple, and forcing it will only make you miserable.

[coldinside]

The fact that your husband doesn't seem to care about your feelings towards this couple indicates a lack of respect for you. The fact that he reacted abusively when you told him about your feelings indicates a lack of respect for you.

Forget the couple for a moment....What was your relationship like BEFORE this couple came into the picture? Did you husband treat you properly and respect you before?

How, when, and why did you become so insecure in your relationship with him?

And what does the husband of this couple think about YOUR husband spending so much time over there? Is he always there when your husband goes over there?

Is your husband going to leave you? It sounds like he already did....emotionally anyway......but, it may not be too late to get back what you once had....but you need to identify how your relationship has been, when and if it actually changed, and what you need to do to get it back to the way it was.....

if he changed ONLY after meeting this couple, then maybe you need to try harder to see why he likes them so much....I know being left out of a conversation is a hard thing....and I know having to compete in a conversation on a level that you are unfamiliar with is hard.....maybe try to learn about what it is that they talk about and talk to your husband more about it at home so you can get as much knowledge as you can about their conversation subjects so you can join in....that would also let him know that you are interested in HIM......

He may just like the attention she/the couple gives him....the understanding.....men need to feel understood, wanted, desired, etc. just as much as women do....do you show him all those things? Be subtle, but let him know by your actions how much you love and desire him....tell him how nice he looks.....cook him his favorite meal....give him a neck massage.....take him a treat while he is watching tv.....you know him better than she does....use that to your advantage to get his attention back..........

If he insists on going over there, GO WITH HIM......do NOT leave him alone with her/them.....you need to know what you are up against....and NOT going over there leaves you vulnerable......and if you have to go over there, fake your friendship with this girl/couple.....kill them with kindness.....and keep you eyes open.....

I'm afraid that I can't fake that I don't like her. I think it is obvious to her. She does treat me different when my husband isn't around, so that's how I know she doesn't like me. I don't think by making him his favourite meal would do anything. He is a complicated man and it's the big picture that stands out for him. I will just take life day by day, and keep my eyes and ears open.

I can't help that I feel threatened by her. That's why I can't like her. I also feel very nervous as to what will she do next to involve my husband in and if that also involves me, and that will cause problems between my husband and I.

[coldinside]

I'm afraid that I can't fake that I don't like her. I think it is obvious to her. She does treat me different when my husband isn't around, so that's how I know she doesn't like me. I don't think by making him his favourite meal would do anything. He is a complicated man and it's the big picture that stands out for him. I will just take life day by day, and keep my eyes and ears open.

I can't help that I feel threatened by her. That's why I can't like her. I also feel very nervous as to what will she do next to involve my husband in and if that also involves me, and that will cause problems between my husband and I.
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[Gemini54]

I'm afraid that I can't fake that I don't like her. I think it is obvious to her. She does treat me different when my husband isn't around, so thats how I know she doesn't like me. I don't think by making him his favourite meal would do anything. He is a complicated man and it's the big picture that stands out for him. I will just take life day by day, and keep my eyes and ears open.

I can't help that I feel threatened by her. Thats why I can't like her. I also feel very nervous as to what will she do next to involve my husband in and if that also involves me, and that will cause problems between my husband and I.
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Look, I disagree. You can help how you feel about this woman. The problem is you're thinking too much about her, instead of your husband. Rather than worrying about her, and giving over your power to her, why don't you focus on your husband? He's the one that needs the love and attention. The sure fire way to drive him into her arms is to make her the 'bad guy'. Make yourself the 'good guy' - ignore her and nurture the relationship with your husband.