[senud]

I have been married for 20 years. I am really confused right now. My husband has been talking to a woman at work for a couple of weeks on the phone. He talks to her while he is at work. She doesn't call or text him when he is with me. I called the number and a femaled answered. I don't know what to do. I don't know how far the relatioinship has gone. He says that if I screen his calls or spy on him he will leave me, because that means I don't trust him. I am really confused and love him very much. We have two wonderful children and I thought I had a great marriage. Obviously I don't. Any advice?

[ScottGem]

Dear Abby had an answer to this question. You need to ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. That should help you make your decision.

[joypulv]

Ever see one of those cop shows where one spouse murders the other for this very reason, and it turns out the other woman or other man was helping plan a surprise 20th wedding anniversary?
You give no clue what kind of work they do either alone or together, or anything else that might cast light on the situation, so it's impossible to give advice.
In general, I'd say ask - without being confrontational. Not easy to get a kind response if you already have been. If you are told to mind your own business and stop being suspicious, then decide what step you want to take next.
- Divorce
-Separation
- Private I
- Take the kids on a trip
ETC

[Jake2008]

It is much like seeing your husband stumble in the doorway, slurring his words, tripping over his own feet, unable to walk or talk. He stinks of wine, and decides to lift the seat cusion on the couch to have a pee, thinking it is the toilet. You are quite mortified with what you see right in front of you, and ask the question, "Have you been drinking" and he eventually replies that no, he has not been drinking. And if you don't trust him and believe him when he says he's not been drinking, then he will divorce you. He also says that if you talk to his friends, or follow him to the place where he doesn't drink, that will be proof, and enough proof for him to leave you.

I suppose some women would fall for that. Well, he looks drunk, he smells drunk, he can't walk upright and his knuckles are dragging on the floor, and he just used the couch for a toilet, and I can see out the window that the car is upside down in the ditch across the street... but, maybe it's me, and I'm just reading too much into the situation, and he's not done anything wrong.

And so, each time you clean the couch, and call his boss to say he's sick and won't be in, it was all in your mind, and your imagination just keeps runnng away on you, time and time and time again.

You know that he is communicating with another woman, by text, and by phone, and has for at least a couple of weeks. You are suspect, as anybody would be, as to why he would be so extremely protective of his relationship, whatever that may be, with this other woman, to the point of telling you that if you cross 'that line', and interfere with what he's got going on, he will leave.

He doth protest too much! It does not sound harmless in any way, to me.

I would not allow threats to stop me from asking questions, and demanding answers, but that's just me. I couldn't turn by back on a situation where my husband is putting his needs, and his 'friends' needs, before mine, and I would not play second fiddle to anyone. If he cannot give you the respect and consideration of at least honesty, then what are you left with. Remain silent and keep him and allow him his new friend, or insist on the truth, and finding a way to resolve this 'friend' issue once and for all.

20 years is a long investment in a marriage. If he is unwilling to maintain the level of honesty necessary for the marriage to work through this problem, then you have some decisions to make. You can accept what he says, remain silent, and hope that 'the other woman' situation just goes away, or you can deal with it. I don't see a third option.