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zalkarad · Mar 17, 2016, 09:13 AM

Hello! I am 29 she is 22. We have been together for 1 year and 3 months. I love her and she loves me. This I can tell. She studies in my town, my financial situation is much better than hers. Before she got a part-time job (3 months ago) everything was great. After that, I saw a change. So I said to myself: it is either she wants to break up, or that we moved to a sort of next level relationship where we don't see each other this often since the relationship has grown up.

Now, the thing is that there the CEO is somehow a far relative of hers, he is 50+. They went to Barcelona together with a co-worker for a business fare and in April they will go to Honk Kong. During her exams her "relative" gave her an apartment so that she can be alone to study, and of course, they went to restaurants (not always, but sometimes, at the beginning, just the two of them). She told me all of this. Either because she is sincere, or that she "hide in the light", but I think that she is sincere.

Now, she texted me and she told me that she could not tell me in my face yesterday all of these and now she feels bad but we will meet in a couple of days to discuss. Basically she told me that she needs a few days to think about her future, that she knows my age and probably soon I will want more that she is not prepared to move with someone else, she respects me too much to keep me like this. She needs these days to think very well not to do a mistake. I don't have any plans of moving together, either.

My assumption is this: I am 99% sure that there's nothing between them, but I think she realized that she wants someone more mature, with money of course, life experience, etc.

My question is: What shall I do next, text her, talk about us or about the weather outside or just reply to her messages (in case she sends any) and wait to meet? I feel like this is the most important part. Maybe she will realize that it is very hard for her without me, but if we talk non-stop she won't see how it is without me.

ma0641 · Mar 17, 2016, 01:00 PM

"She needs these days to think very well not to do a mistake". Mistake about what? Moving on without you? That sounds like a statement a very controlling person would make. "I am 99% sure that there's nothing between them, but I think she realized that she wants someone more mature, with money of course, life experience, etc". Unfortunately the other 1% pretty much says it all. "Maybe she will realize that it is very hard for her without me, but if we talk non-stop she won't see how it is without me. Sure you don't have this backwards? Apparently it's very hard for YOU without HER.

zalkarad · Mar 17, 2016, 01:03 PM

Of course it is very hard for me eithkut her. And it's been only 6-7 hours since that message

ma0641 · Mar 17, 2016, 01:12 PM

Heaven forbid 6-7 hours! Used to take a couple of days or more for the mail, particularly overseas. I think you need to step back a bit and let her decide what's in her future. Forced romances don't work.

zalkarad · Mar 17, 2016, 01:51 PM

Actually my queation is whether I should contact her, send her any message or eait for her to call?

Wondergirl · Mar 17, 2016, 01:58 PM

Wait.

DoulaLC · Mar 17, 2016, 02:45 PM

Wait... she has stated that she needs time to make some decisions, so you give her time.

Give her some credit with realizing that she is not fully sure what she wants/needs at this point in her life and she has been upfront with you about it. She has had some new experiences in the big, wide world... it's not surprising that she at a stage of reevaluating her life.

Hopefully, however things turn out, you both will be happy... if not now, then in time.

joypulv · Mar 17, 2016, 02:52 PM

It's impossible to stop imagining scenarios, I know. Somehow you have to busy yourself. You also need to prepare to be let go, just in case. It sounds to me like she wants to break up. She's 22, in many ways worlds away from you. She could want an advanced degree, or a job in another country, or she's just afraid to settle down. All very ordinary.

Yes, it will hurt, and no, there is nothing you can do if it happens. Tell her how sad you are and how glad you are to have loved her. Leave with a good image. Who knows whether or not her next adventure will be to her liking?

smoothy · Mar 17, 2016, 03:52 PM

She wants space... and if you don't give it to her, you will ruin whatever chance you might have of her deciding to come back.

You can't make her want anything... just as someone else can't make you want to be with them if you don't.

If you have ever been in that situation.. it makes it a lot easier to understand this one.

And she doesn't NEED a reason...just like you wouldn't if it was you. Its either right or it isn't. And sometimes you need to step away for a while to view things more clearly if they are or aren't.

talaniman · Mar 18, 2016, 05:28 AM

I understand that being in what feels like limbo can be hell, but never assume what's on her mind, or play mind games with yourself. All you can do is give her the space she asks for and wait for the big discussion to happen (A few days?). NO talking about the relationship in the meantime over texts, and if she texts you keep it light and friendly. As others have said this is the time to step back and wait and waiting is a hard thing to do, but as I see it this young lady has changed for sure and has been exposed to many different things since getting this job. You cannot blame her for wanting to explore and experiment with this experience, wouldn't you do the same if you were 22? You probably did, so understand the stage in life she is in.

So back off and stay busy until she is ready to lay her cards on the table. No one can know what she has decided or wants to do so just be cool and deal with it with dignity and grace, and a lot of understanding, to whatever changes that she is going through.

Bottom line is do NOTHING until she and you discuss what's on her mind. Definitely a hope for the best but prepare for the worst situation, but be patient until more is revealed. Please update us after this discussion.

zalkarad · Mar 18, 2016, 09:09 AM

Sure thing. Thank you for the advice. I will update you

zalkarad · Mar 19, 2016, 03:33 AM

But don't you think that the more time ahe needs, the mire she tries to get the courage to tell me that it is over?isn't this a valid possibility?because,in the end,you don't need more than 1-2 days to make up your mind

talaniman · Mar 19, 2016, 06:28 AM

You cannot control a woman's mind no matter how much you may want her, and fear losing her. Sorry guy but if she is looking for courage to dump you, eventually she will find it. Trying to change her mind only makes you more desperate and not worth compromising your dignity and self respect.

In fairness to you I have been dumped enough to know how to get beyond it, with acceptance and gratitude for the time spent (It still sucked for a while, as well it should if you cared), and do what it takes to allow a healthy healing and get on with exploring whatever life has for you, WITHOUT HER IN IT. It always ended up with a great outcome eventually with NO regrets.

You may as well wait for whatever is on her mind and if you are a good listener, you will know how best to act accordingly without fear making you a desperate sap about the whole thing. At the least, give her what she asked for, SPACE TO THINK!

I repeat, you have NO control over HER thoughts actions or feelings, but you damn sure have control over YOURS. If I were you I sure would exercise what you CAN control. (YOU)

zalkarad · Mar 19, 2016, 07:03 AM

You are 100% right. The only thing I have to control now is the impuls of trying to text her. Which is just almost unbearable. The uncertainty of the outcome is just a killer

DoulaLC · Mar 19, 2016, 10:15 AM

The not knowing is always difficult; your imagination will have you going through a number of possible scenarios. That's not always a bad thing, however, as you can have in mind possible responses and ways of how you will deal with possible outcomes. It sort of gives you a headstart in that respect.

Try to focus on other areas in your life... spend time on hobbies, with friends or family, being active, etc. so the waiting and wondering doesn't become all consuming. That would only serve to cause more discomfort and anxiety.

You will be okay, whatever the outcome, and in time find yourself in a better place. No way to fast forward to it; you just have to ride it out.

smoothy · Mar 19, 2016, 12:37 PM

Originally Posted by zalkarad

But don't you think that the more time ahe needs, the mire she tries to get the courage to tell me that it is over?isn't this a valid possibility?because,in the end,you don't need more than 1-2 days to make up your mind

Its her choice to make... not yours... stick you nose in when she asked for space... and you are going to make her decide she doesn't want to be with you when she really wasn't sure before.

There is absolutely nothing you can say or do that's going to make it better for you in her decision. You simply have to "man up" and give her the space she asked for.

And also... you can't presume to know how she thinks... I'm a dude... and I can tell you 1-2 days isn't enough time to make a decision like this... its going to take a lot longer before she is going to know how she feels about it. And butting in is going to help her decide that she is better off without you.

Is it tough... sure, but as an adult you have to do tough, and often unpleasant things all the time. This is another one of them.

zalkarad · Mar 19, 2016, 04:51 PM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

The not knowing is always difficult; your imagination will have you going through a number of possible scenarios. That's not always a bad thing, however, as you can have in mind possible responses and ways of how you will deal with possible outcomes. It sort of gives you a headstart in that respect.

Try to focus on other areas in your life... spend time on hobbies, with friends or family, being active, etc. so the waiting and wondering doesn't become all consuming. That would only serve to cause more discomfort and anxiety.

You will be okay, whatever the outcome, and in time find yourself in a better place. No way to fast forward to it; you just have to ride it out.

Exactly. Thinking of all possible outcomes might help me during the conversation with her. But at the same time, it is very consuming

zalkarad · Mar 23, 2016, 05:07 AM

Hey guys.so today is the big day. We will meet in the afternoon. Ater these days I realised that basically the situation we are in is because of me, since I couldn't "see"the changes she was going through and I lived in the past,expected to be the same as before these changes. Not giving her space, not accepting that after a hard day maybe sshe just wants to sit in bed etc. We will meet at a caffee. What would you suggest to do? Wait for her to start the conversation or should I tell her what I realised?

DoulaLC · Mar 23, 2016, 05:15 AM

Not necessarily anything to do with something you have or haven't done. Keep in mind that she has gained some more life experience, and that will sometimes change the direction a person decides to go. It's just the way it is, and not unusual in the early 20's... that's part of life. Sometimes the timing and situation is good for both people, and a couple grows and thrives. Sometimes it changes the course of the relationship.

I'd just tell her that it is good to see her and ask how she has been. Then let her take it from there. At some point, if you feel that she isn't going to bring up the subject, you could simply ask her what has been on her mind and does she see the two of you moving forward together.

Wishing you well, whatever the outcome.

zalkarad · Mar 23, 2016, 05:23 AM

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Not necessarily anything to do with something you have or haven't done. Keep in mind that she has gained some more life experience, and that will sometimes change the direction a person decides to go. It's just the way it is, and not unusual in the early 20's... that's part of life. Sometimes the timing and situation is good for both people, and a couple grows and thrives. Sometimes it changes the course of the relationship.

I'd just tell her that it is good to see her and ask how she has been. Then let her take it from there. At some point, if you feel that she isn't going to bring up the subject, you could simply ask her what has been on her mind and does she see the two of you moving forward together.

Wishing you well, whatever the outcome.

Thank you.Do you think that she wanting to meet at a caffee place and not in the car to discuss, it means that she wants to break up and of course I won't be able to yell and stuff or that she wants to go on and celebrate this in a nice place?