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joypulv · Jan 27, 2018, 04:53 AM

OK, your opinion is as good as anyone's, if not better, given that you know yourself best. I still disagree, however, about what you feel would be an accurate diagnosis.

I'd be happy to describe in detail one schizophrenic friend, who got an MBA, pilot's license, good job, wife and 2 smart kids, but fell apart in his 20s, and has spent the next 50 years having a tough time coping.

That's good to know about your anxiety. So you are saying that you believe it's physiological rather than situational (the world around you, past and present)? That could get into an area of endocrinology that might or might not be available to you at a large teaching medical center, where they have the grants to spend on studying you.
Does it feel like fear? Anxiety IS adrenaline, plain and simple. Anxiety is fear with no object of fear. I compare it to that moment when I wake up in the dark to a sudden weird scary noise. A little sickening for a moment, then just plain old heart thumping fear while I go investigate. When the adrenaline rush goes down, I feel weak.

If you have it all the time, and it really doesn't relate to anything in your life, then that can be related to how your brain and endocrine system all fail to work together. A super complicated problem, for sure.

There's also a whole bunch of medical conditions related to endocrine (hormone) disorders of the adrenals, the pituitary, the thyroid, that could have you being tested til the cows come home. Symptoms CAN include anxiety, inability to sleep, and even psych ones. I almost wish you had one really obvious symptom. Is there anything physical you haven't mentioned that is unusual?

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 05:49 AM

Although there may be some moments were I feel anxious for no apparent reason, there may be two triggers I can identify. When trying to comprehend and failing to... and when trying to be social and having a hard time contributing to the conversation. I can't exactly explain if the anxiety makes me feel worried or fearful. All I know is it's just a mix of emotions that are unpleasant. Suicidal thoughts, worrying about the future, feeling extremely angry and having thoughts about harm, etc.

joypulv · Jan 27, 2018, 06:01 AM

OK, that's all making sense, even if it still is a mystery. It's tough sorting out the situational from the physiological.
Can you say more about the feeling that it's getting worse? (I know, I feel that might be more evidence of scz, but that doesn't mean it is... take my words with a grain of salt, as you should with any stranger online!)

talaniman · Jan 27, 2018, 06:20 AM

It can be frustrating I know to want to do something, but not know how to get it. You are hardly alone in that. Who do you play basketball with? Classmates? Got any text buddies? A favorite place you enjoy? I know I ask a lot of questions, but I have a theory, you are a fish in the wrong fishbowl, and what I mean is you are trying to fit in, but in the wrong environment.

What did you want to be when you were growing up? Who do you respect, and want to emulate, or be like? Can you drive? How is the relationship with your parents? Got siblings? See your family often?

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 10:42 AM

I do play with classmates and friends. I have no clue what I want to do and as for driving, I'm not all that great. I either drive too slow or too fast and I've had quite a few tickets

As for things getting worse, this problem just used to be a frustrating and minor inconvenience and didn't affect anything else. But now that I realize I can't be a kid for the rest of my life and I need to be responsible, I actually started to care about comprehending things and getting good grades. Now I barely sleep or eat, and I roam around my dorm pacing back and forth talking to myself. I have fits of rage and moments where I can't help but cry nonstop.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2018, 10:53 AM

When exactly was your last doctor visit and what happened? Is there a reason why you didn't answer my questions about your family? Name one thing you can do easily that can translate into a job. I'malmost done with the questions. Be patient please.

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 01:00 PM

If by doctor, you mean therapist... that was on Tuesday. If you mean actual doctor, then sometime in either November or December. The therapy session was really slow like usual and no valuable info was really shared. The reason I went to the doctors was because I had some sort of bug, completely unrelated to the mental problem. As for family, I didn't try to dodge the question I just overlooked it on accident. I do have a younger sister and a younger brother. And my parents have known about my situation but didn't do anything about it when I was young so I took initiative and set up all these tests and sessions myself. I mean I guess I could mop floors or clean as a job, assuming the person I'm cleaning for doesn't have any specific instructions for how I'm supposed to do it

joypulv · Jan 27, 2018, 02:00 PM

I'll be here in a bit...

joypulv · Jan 27, 2018, 02:49 PM

To ask a bit more like tal, what would you do with your life if you could do anything?
What do you think about doing in the realm of what's within easier reach?
AND
Can you take a year off from school?
Would your parents mind if you lived back at home for a while?

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 06:03 PM

I probably wouldn't be able to take time off school and my parents probably wouldn't be too keen with the idea

Alty · Jan 27, 2018, 06:22 PM

Do your parents know that you're having a hard time in school, that you don't feel that this road will lead to success, or do they think you'll pass and start a career as an accountant?

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 06:25 PM

They know about it and that's why they don't want me coming. Most of my childhood I spent at my grandparents because my parents couldn't take my constant questioning

Alty · Jan 27, 2018, 06:45 PM

Could you take a year off and stay with your grandparents? I really think some time off, time to figure out what you're good at, what you can conceivably do to make money and support yourself, is a good idea. Right now you're stressing yourself out, which is making your issues even worse. You know that college is a dead end, that this is not the career for you. Why spend the money on it and continue to flounder when you know it's going nowhere?

talaniman · Jan 27, 2018, 07:43 PM

Can you HIRE a TUTOR? To be frank, if you stay in school that's what it's going to take. What you really need more is a MENTOR, a trusted older adult male to guide you through the process of helping yourself. That's pretty much why I was asking the questions about your family relationships. Talking to a school counselor maybe, to consult with about your academics, would be VERY helpful I think, but a mentor to talk to, ask questions, to EMULATE, can be especially beneficial to a 22 year old guy looking for answers to his life issues. They may have a mentoring program at your school, or in your area, or at a local church. Ask your school counselor.

That you are willing to take RESPONSIBILITY for yourself is admirable, and an excellent start, but you cannot do this alone. I hope you look around and find that older male figure, so you can make a plan and carry it out.

Let me say something about therapy at this point, it's not about someone helping you get cured, but merely an avenue that you can find out about how YOU can solve your own problems. To find better ways to deal with whatever your issues are. To hear you say the words out loud and examine your thoughts and feelings. A therapist only provides a STRUCTURE for that, but it's you who do the work (Yeah I know they get the big bucks but STRUCTURE is important to accomplish better understanding of yourself.).

Have you ever considered a personal journal? Instead of pacing your dorm, write your feelings down. Old fashion paper and pencil. And answer me this what's wrong with mopping a floor, or pushing a broom? Some janitors make a decent living, and it's HONEST work. That's where I started as I learned to do better, and ain't NO SHAME IN MY GAME.

I will admit I had a lot of older males in my life guiding me to the right path. You NEED that! If you don't have it, then actively seek it out. Sound like a plan man?

Allen Farber · Jan 27, 2018, 08:14 PM

They've passed away now. My grandmother from my dad's side is still alive but she's on the other side of the country so it's not practical.

I will definitely think about what needs to be done and make some plans. I appreciate you for being patient and sympathetic towards me.

talaniman · Jan 27, 2018, 09:46 PM

A better word would be EMPATHY my young friend. I was 22 once and had ISSUES. I still have ISSUES!

joypulv · Jan 28, 2018, 03:45 AM

Yes you can take a year off from school. Happens all the time. Talk to a professor or the department office or go straight to the admin offices.

Yes you can convince your parents that you aren't the same now, and have the internet and books, and can stop questioning them all the time. Are your parents from another culture/country? Something odd about the way they just handed you over to your grandparents. And you use the phrase 'keen on the idea,' not typical for today's 22 year old.

I'm guessing that your reasonably good moments, such as when you can write here, are far different from the times alone in your dorm room. You can't go on like this. Too much stress. You are making a remarkable effort to solve what sounds like genuine brain wiring problems by reading and studying, but that can't fix everything. Please take some time off. Please look into the nearest big teaching medical center, such as around Research Triangle Park.