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Settling or not · Jul 17, 2014, 06:54 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. We started slowly as friends of more than 20 years and then progressed to a relationship. During the 20 years as friends he went through countless women's and then a marriage of several years. He says that during those years they were "open" and shared multiple partners but together. Post his divorce he dated many girls again but mainly for sex. I don't care about his except that he says during those years he learned that sex was nothing more than that. He now values time together, compatibility and cuddling as more important . We have sex about once every two weeks for whatever reason- tired due to work- kids- no time. He doesn't mind or even care. He'd rather just spend his time with me in general than having sex. Sex is more of an event whereby we spend hours in foreplay rubbing and cuddling and then hopefully reaching the moment where we actually have penetration. If the last part never happens he completely satisfied and never gives another thought. When we do have intercourse it is always amazing. Certainly because of the foreplay/lead up. But sometimes you just might want to have it- a quickie. Or maybe it was so good the night before you want it again. He doesn't or can't. I'm. Not sure.

I address my concerns that he might not find me attractive and that I want more during non-sexual times so its non threatening. His response is always that he loves me so much more beyond that and that sex is just an exclamation point on our already amazing relationship. If he wanted just that.. sex... Of which he has had plenty... he would just sleep with the same women or similar as before. What we have is more. He wants me for me.

I love that he loves me unconditionally and he thinks we have "more" but at the end of the day I have not had as much sex as him, feel like I'm in my prime, enjoy being sexual with him and want more of it than we are currently having. I'm afraid after only six months of being together it will only fade to even less. I wonder if my sexual years have past and this is what I should expect and moreover I should be grateful for what we have (I am no doubt). At 44 I had hopes that I would be able to be in a place where myself confidence was so strong that sex would actually be better ( was too insecure in my twenties and thirties to really enjoy it). And after not having much along the way hoped now that I've found what feels like the love of my life that sex would be more open, frequent and passionate. It is open and passionate and am starting to believe that two out of three ain't bad.

Settling or unappreciative?

Fr_Chuck · Jul 17, 2014, 11:27 PM

So talk to him, tell him that you need and want more sex..

DoulaLC · Jul 18, 2014, 07:27 AM

Hi Settling or not,

Do you initiate sex sometimes? If so, what response do you get? Have you sat down and talked to him about it... away from kids, out of the bedroom, maybe on a walk or somewhere quiet without any interruptions. I know you said he responds with how HE feels... "he loves you so much more beyond that" and that if he wanted just sex he would do as before, but do you feel that you have expressed your wants/needs for sex? It is all well and good that he is content, but you need to let him know that, while you love how he treats you, and is caring and considerate, you would like a bit more intimacy with him.

You may have to just put it very bluntly for him to get it and then hopefully a compromise can be made. Even if he doesn't feel the need or desire to have actual intercourse, he can provide you with a bit more sexual pleasure without intercourse.

Is he in good health? Is he taking any medications?

smoothy · Jul 18, 2014, 07:32 AM

I agree with the others... and want to add, when was the last time he's had a complete physical. DOes he have any medical issues, known or unknown, is he on any medications? How old is he right now? Assuming you became friends sometime as an adult... that puts him into the age group medical issues might start causing him problems that as a symptom are reflected in his ability to perform.

Its easy to assume he doesn't want to, when the better question is, is there really a problem with him being able to when he wants?

You don't know how much of these "many women" were simply bravado, basically said to make him appear more virile.

talaniman · Jul 18, 2014, 08:50 AM

Tell him your lust, and exploring and experimenting sexually was put off for decades because you were waiting for the one, and now you are ready, because you think he is IT. He presented his side, now you present yours. And you want meaningless sex!

I caution you to not think a 20 year friendship (though it helps) and 6 months of dating is a lifetime commitment, great as "the love" is at this time because the REAL challenge is how you resolve your differences, issues, and challenges together in a way that satisfies you both. That starts with HONEST communications. He was honest, good for him, your turn.