[catnmouse3]

Kind of a long story but I'll try to summarize it the best I can. Thanks in advance for any advice given. Ok, so 10 months ago I lost my mother to cancer and kidney failure. We were extremely close. She died holding my hand. That hit me hard and at that point I was taking anti depressants to deal with the loss. Then I met this wonderful man 2 months after she passed away and he changed my world. He helped get me off anti depressants and just brought pure joy to my life. Then 2 months after we were dating his 11 year old daughter was diagnosed with the same cancer my mother passed away from. About a month ago him and I got pregnant. He was already under way too much stress with his daughter being ill so we decided that it is not the right time to have a baby and we got an abortion. Getting an abortion was going against all my religious beliefs but I am a single mother of 1 right now and the father is not involved and I know how very very very hard it is to raise a child alone... I had no idea how I would do it with 2 children if we didn't get married... and again... right now as just not the right time. He was by my side through it all and went to every doctors appointment. I was sad afterwards and we both vowed we would never go through that again. Well, about 3 weeks after the abortion things were going extremely well between us and one hot and sunny Saturday morning he called me when he woke up... we had a great conversation and made plans for what we were going to do together that evening and the next day. 1st he had to go to work... he owned a clothing store on a very busy street and only an hour after he opened the store that day he then sent me a text message asking what I was doing and I responded but then got no response from him. It turned out that right after he sent me that text message his store got robbed and he was shot and murdered. His life was taken from us over clothes and money. He has been gone for 2 weeks now and I'm still in complete shock. I barely eat, I wake up multiple times in the night, I cry and think of him constantly. I've lost 3 people who meant a lot to me in less than 1 year. What bothers me the most about his death is that his killers are still on the loose. What is a good way for me to deal with all this tragedy in my life? How do I deal with this death by homicide? One minute he's happy and excited and talking on the phone with me planning how he is coming over after work that day and the next minute he is gone from our lives forever. Plus his little girl who is battling cancer now has to deal with the loss of her father. I am also still dealing with the abortion. I keep thinking what if I kept the baby? I'd be completely alone taking care of it and that child would never know it's father... but I would still have part of him in my life forever if I would have kept it. I also worry that what if this happen to him because of the sin we committed by having an abortion? What if this is our punishment? Then I feel guilty for thinking that way because I know God loves us... sin and all. I really loved that man. I would love to get counseling but it's soooo expensive. :-( Any suggestions?

[hollylovesbrandon]

You just have to realize that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You will become a stronger better person in the long run for all of this. I know right now that it doesn't seem that things could possibly get any worse and that it's never going to get better but trust me it will. Life will go on. You just have to stay positive. Keep the child you have in your head and realize that you being depressed all the time is not good for him or her.

[JudyKayTee]

I simply do not believe that a loving God - a belief I was taught - would have your boyfriend murdered to punish the two of you for having an abortion. I simply do not believe that.

I also don't think the grieving process is any different if it's death by homicide than if it's death by natural causes or any other event - loss is loss, grief is grief. Perhaps if it's other than natural causes you can find someone to blame and that makes it "easier" (if that's the right word) but I doubt it.

My husband died from natural causes and there were days I simply didn't know how I was going to go on. It's a hollow thing to tell you and I know it but you have to go on for the sake of your child. You have to simply believe that it will get better for you.

You've been dealt a hard, cruel hand and nothing I can say will make you feel better - but you have to go on for your daughter.

Remember that he loved you and that he didn't want to leave you. I hope that gives you some comfort.

Peace.