[frustratedgirl2]

I have been married for 7 years and have been with my husband for a total of 13 years. We met during a difficult time in our lives. He had just gone through a divorce and I was losing my father to cancer. We became friends before we dated. We had a rocky dating life where he was constantly pushing me away and then pulling me back into his life. During our dating time, I felt he was rude and treated me with no respect. I should have left him alone then but I guess I believed in my heart that we were a perfect fit and that we both were just going through a hard time with our personal issues. One day he was being rude over the phone and I told him if he couldn't respect me and talk to me in a civil manner, I would have to go. He hung up on me and we didn't speak for 3 months. He called one day out of the blue to see how I was doing. I played it cool and said fine and blew him off. He invited me to dinner at his house and I thanked him but declined the invitation and said I had other plans. From that moment on, this once commitment phobic guy was ready to get engaged. We were married a year later and things were great.

3 years went by, and he decided to start playing World of Warcraft (an addictive video game) 40 hours a week, on top of working full time. This went on for at least a year. He was impatient, aggravated with me all the time, rude, always blaming me for everything. All I did was try to please him by cooking every night, cleaning our house regularly, just wanting a normal household with a good marriage. I realized I couldn't accomplish this alone. I sat down with him one day and told him exactly how I felt and that some changes need to take place now. He then told he was not changing and I needed to get the "f" out if I didn't like things. Then a situation occurred where his friends were upset with me for something I didn't do. I explained to him I didn't do what was I accused of. He told me, if you don't get along with my friends, this marriage will not work. His friends have always been his priority. He says I am constantly trying to change him and that if I would just accept him for what he is, he would give more to our marriage. I am tired trying to play games with a man to get him to love me, spend some time with me, watch TV with me, etc. I am a very independent person and feel that when 2 people get married they combine their lives but they need to have their own hobbies and friends.

About 4 years ago, my best male friend from 12 years old, comes back into my life after being married to his childhood sweetheart for 17 years and tells me he's getting a divorce. He also says "I just want you to know you never have to be alone in this life." At the time I didn't think much of it. But then, he started pursuing me by sending me cds with love songs, cards telling me how much he missed me and spending so much time with me on the phone. My husband knew the other guy was calling me all the time but he continued playing his video game more and more. I begged him to please stop or not play it as much. He ignored my requests. Now my best friend is wanting me to leave him and has been professing his love to me for 4 years, saying he should've married me from the beginning - 20 years ago and that he doesn't ever want to live this life without me again.

Now I am a point where I have to make a decision. I love my husband very much but I cannot continue to "change" him to make myself happy. It is unfair to him. I need to accept him for who he is. But by doing this, means I will not have his attention and love as much as I would like it. As far as the other guy, he is not some joe blow I just met. This is my childhood best friend I've had for 25 years who came to my house all the time when we were kids and my parents loved him. I know he would take care of me and he would be loyal and devoted to me. We both know each other very well. I am so conflicted inside since I don't want to hurt anyone but feel my needs are not being completely met by my husband. I am not a high maintenance woman. I am asking for the basics in this marriage. Asking him to meet my needs is requesting him to change. I'm not sure if we should spend some time apart and I wouldn't talk to either one of them so that I could decide what is right for me. I am seeing a counselor as well to get help to fix my own issues. I want to do the right thing for everyone involved but the bottom line is I am not happy.

What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[armywife69]

I know you must feel alone so the first thing is to ask your husband if he really wants this marriage and if he does then you need to tell him how you feel and what is bothering you but do it in a nice way without getting angry or hostile. The friend has been there and will always be. Just be friends for now. No use into mixing yourself up anymore. That friend will be patient and understanding if he is truly your friend.
Also, have you tried counsel session with your spouse? That may also help.

[frustratedgirl2]

Thank you so much for your advice. Yes my husband says he wants the marriage to work but he has to realize that a marriage requires effort like a plant that needs water and sunshine. He wants me to make him a list of needs I will do this so he can try to meet them. We have tried counseling but didn't have much luck. And it was me who had the issues with the counselors we saw because I felt like they were wanting me to be "respectful to his video game time". I'm just not at a point where I can continue to giving. I have treated this man like a king for years and I think now I've come to my breaking point. Treating someone well does not necessarily mean they will return the nice treatment. To me it's so simple. Another man is threatening his marriage, so why can't he just try to be nice to me and be geniune and sincere. I want him to speak from the heart and tell me he doesn't want to live this life without me.

I'm also afraid if he tries to make things work, they may be temporary and as soon as my best friend moves on and starts dating other people, my husband may fall back into this mentally abusive behavior.

I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and have to make a major decision with my life. How do I know which one is the right decision? If I can help myself by becoming more mentally healthy with the counselor's help, I think I will be able to recognize controlling and abusive behavior and I may not stand for that any longer. At the same time I'm torn because my parents had a great marriage and were married for 34 years until my dad died. My husband says every marriage has issues and I need to get over it.

[talaniman]

I find it amazing you have a fear of what your husband will change, and give you, but not what the boyfriend has promised.

I strongly suggest you deal with your husband, without the distraction of the promises another is making, just because of past comforts with him, or his sweet words now.

Resolve your marriage issues first, heal, and then look around for better options and opportunities.

Many who think the grass is greener find out that taking care of your own, is better than jumping the fence to explore, and find out why it looks greener, but is infested with worms.

Whatever your issues are at home, deal with them first. The rest of the world will wait until you do. Don't be swayed by what are now only promises. Get facts that match the actions.

As you wrote, you ignored all the red flags before, so I would be more careful of judgments and impulsive actions based on just feelings.

Good Luck.