[Ladybuglady]

If you’re a guy, what extent would you be willing to do to protect your sister in a dangerous situation (i.e. man hurting her, rape, home invasion) Seeing if its common to defend/help or not. As I’m asking as I’m not sure if my brother would/could/care or if I could even get a hold of him.

[talaniman]

Do you expect him to defend you against an armed intruder/assailant? If he isn't present would you call the cops, or him first? What's up between you and your brother that you have such little faith in him?

[Ladybuglady]

An assailant isn't necessarily armed, I guess I'm not sure I know exactly what I'm asking. Maybe if I called him after calling the cops and after they left and it was over, would calling him to let him know would happened, would it be a waste of my time. I do know I'm asking because once he got married he had nothing to do with us. Yes I know it's wife, kids, then original family. It's just that we are off his radar now.

[Ladybuglady]

Forgive me if this is a duplicate, I edited the answer, now I can't figure out how to post the edited answer.

An assailant isn't necessarily armed, I guess I'm not sure I know exactly what I'm asking. Maybe if I called him after calling the cops and after they left and it was over, would calling him to let him know would happened, would it be a waste of my time. I do know I'm asking because once he got married he had nothing to do with us. Yes I know it's wife, kids, then original family. It's just that we are off his radar now.

[talaniman]

I get you miss him, but how long has it been since you spoke, saw each other? How old are you and do you have other siblings?

[Ladybuglady]

We saw each other a couple months ago, we see him four or five times a year, I'm a 45 year old with a special need sister.

[talaniman]

How long has he been married? How far away is he? Can you call him? Sorry for all the questions, just to know more of this situation to understand what you are asking.

Do you have other family that's nearby?

[Ladybuglady]

His first marriage was 21 years (very bad one, abusive wife), his second is 3 years now (great wife and is happy), He's only about 3 years away, but might as well be a thousand. I could call him, but he rarely answers. Most of my family is close. I guess it's because were so much in the background I can't tell if he cares about us at all.

[talaniman]

Doesn't sound like a very young guy, likely still in a sort of busy honeymoon stage. Does he visit other family members as often as he visits you? I would have to cut him some slack though, as I remember well that new babies mean extra working hours if you can get it. Marriage and kids will change a lot of things in ones life. Time with family is definitely one of those. Adjustments for everybody and that may take a while, years often, but that doesn't stop the feelings of missing someone very close. I have no doubt he cares, it's just he is building a life for HIS family right now.

I know what that feels like on both sides of that coin. What else is up in your life besides missing your brother so deeply?

[Ladybuglady]

He visits her family all the time, but rarely us. As for me, I have about 5, yes 5, major things on my plate, any one which would be a heavy load. Everything from poor insurance causing high bills to depression to unemployment to my suddenly realizing after all these years that I wanted a protective older brother to one more thing! I guess I just want him to be there if I needed him and aren't sure if he would be.

[talaniman]

Do you live alone with your sister? How old is she? No job, no insurance yeah that's a big slap, and easy to understand depression, and needing some love and support right now. Do you have other medical conditions, meds? Does it stop you from looking for work? Where are your parents? You said you had a tight family, who else did you mean besides your brother and sister?

[Ladybuglady]

No, my sister is in a group home and is 50. Thank god it's "only" depression for medical problems and I'm on a cocktail (what Dr.s call it when your taking more than one). I'm looking for work but it's an extremely competitive market w/ more people looking than there are jobs, across all fields. One parent is nearby and one in LA. I'm tight with my Mom.

[Ladybuglady]

Happy Easter!

BTW - the question was never answered :-). Maybe a better scenario is you go to see her and her boyfriend had made her black and blue. Or you find out someone had severely mistreated her.

[J_9]

How old are you? Are you old enough to stand up for yourself? Why do you expect your brother to become so protective all of the sudden?

[talaniman]

If indeed that happened of course the details make a difference, such as what was done about it by you. If my sister had been beaten up by her boyfriend, and she refused to act responsibly about it, like report it and press charges, and get rid of the dude, or LEAVE, then I would call the cops myself and get you some medical help if you balked about it, or defended such an a$$ in any way, I would be PO"D big time at YOU, while fully understanding the difficulty of the situation. What do you expect a big brother to do in such a case if you are not willing to help yourself? Do you expect me as a big brother to go hunting this guy down and whup his a$$ or something? This would be worse if this wasn't the first instance of physical abuse, or if I had been telling you all along the situation was TOXIC, yet you stayed.

Even if someone and NOT your boyfriend had mistreated you, I would still expect YOU to call the cops, and then call me. If it was someone else, and not your boyfriend, one would wonder why you didn't call HIM for help, love, and support after calling the cops... that's whack!

So fill those blanks in with facts not hypotheticals. Does that answer your question? Tell me YOUR expectations in the scenarios you outlined.

[Ladybuglady]

You got me there, I really don't know where this is coming from. Yes I'd call the cops and all that. I guess I just want someone to console me.

[J_9]

In your second post here, you say you are “off his radar.” Is this due to family issues or simply due to his marriage and/or miles between you?

I feel like there are some family dynamics that we are missing.

Were you close growing up? Was he protective of you when you were younger? What changed between you from the early years up unti now?

[Ladybuglady]

I just think we're low on the totem poll. Yes we we close and protective when young, I just think his prorities are Wife, then career. Which is how it should be, completely understandible, we just seem to be nowhere on his radar.

As for family we weren't exactly the healthiest of families.

I guess it just comes down to wanting the old relationship which I know is completely irrationable. But feelings aren't always rationale.

[talaniman]

I find that endearingly human and honest of you, given the reality you are in, without the hypotheticals. You should not just put it all on big brother though, as mom would seem to be a more logical choice for hugs, love, support and consoling. Big brothers often can only do so much, and being one, I know for fact we can be clueless and helpless sometimes. I am also a DAD, which brings me to another question. What part does he play in your life, and why?

I guess it just comes down to wanting the old relationship which I know is completely irrationable. But feelings aren't always rationale.

That's why you cannot always act on just those feelings nor let them guide your thoughts and actions.

[Ladybuglady]

My Dad plays no roll in my life and looked down on women when at home, going as far as saying women are lesser than men.