[Kitkat22]

Hi Kit, yes I agree with you, we would definitely never agree on how to raise children... that would be a nightmare and would cause SO much stress. I am realising more and more how lucky I would be to get out now, and to avoid much more further heartache, for both of us. When I think about the summer ahead I feel down though.. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself for 3 months of being here in this house whilst my family are away on holiday and knowing that he is just around the corner and probably free, and that we could go for a nice walk or something. Perhaps these next three weeks of exams will help to take my mind off it and make me learn to cope on my own without him, and then I won't even WANT to meet him for a walk as going down that whole route again.

And yes, I see his Mum as quite inspirational to me, the fact that she went through pretty much the same thing as me and then ended up divorcing him just shows that Western women and strong Islamic cultures don't really mix. Although, I do wonder if I'll ever find anyone who truly suits me? I don't drink alcohol or go clubbing or anything like that really, through my own choice (I was this way long before I met my boyfriend), and finding a guy who is similar might be quite hard.

I want to know what will happen in the future now and get rid of all this waiting!!!

Join a health club. Go walking somewhere else. Go to a different market. I think it's very good that you don't go clubbing and drinking. Mixing loneliness and alcohol with a few drinks and roomful of men who are looking to "score" is a recipe for duster.

The right one is in the future.. but wait till you get this guy out of your system. Reconnect with your friends. Call them today and make plans to go to dinner or a movie. Take a trip by yourself to somewhere you really like. There are lots of ways to fill those empty hours. You say you are agnostic but there are many churches that have singles groups and there are very nice men in those churches.

I believe there is something for you... try really asking yourself about God and Jesus... If you ask.. God will help you through this... There are many ways to worship and I'm not berating the way you feel. What I'm suggesting is maybe talking to a minister. Who knows what could happen.. . Kit

[eveamee09]

That is very true - I have actually started organising meals out with friends over the next few weeks, and planning things with my best friend (such as that holiday to Spain that my boyfriend and I were going to go on, I've changed it to go with my friend) and I'm definitely thinking about taking up Salsa or badminton over the summer, and getting back into my belly dance classes. Church groups are also something to consider for the future. I also do quite a lot of volunteering already in places like care homes and with Victim Support, so I'm planning on really getting into that this summer!

I actually met him at my usual health club but don't have plans to go back there anytime soon.. especially not until I feel a bit more comfortable with the whole situation! Still sort of dreading seeing him in 3 weeks after exams when we will exchange our stuff and I will basically tell him face to face that it is definitely over, that will be very hard especially if he gets upset and promises to change/let me do whatever I want... you see I know they'd just be empty promises that he'd be saying out of emotion and not because of a genuine belief that I should be able to make my own decisions.

Once again thanks for your advice. I am going out for a meal tonight with a lovely Spanish lady I met at belly dancing classes last year, it will be nice to catch up and practice the language.

Enjoy your evening. What time is it where you are? Where even are you!

[Kitkat22]

That is very true - I have actually started organising meals out with friends over the next few weeks, and planning things with my best friend (such as that holiday to Spain that my boyfriend and I were going to go on, I've changed it to go with my friend) and I'm definitely thinking about taking up Salsa or badminton over the summer, and getting back into my belly dance classes. Church groups are also something to consider for the future. I also do quite a lot of volunteering already in places like care homes and with Victim Support, so I'm planning on really getting into that this summer!

I actually met him at my usual health club but don't have plans to go back there anytime soon.. especially not until I feel a bit more comfortable with the whole situation! Still sort of dreading seeing him in 3 weeks after exams when we will exchange our stuff and I will basically tell him face to face that it is definitely over, that will be very hard especially if he gets upset and promises to change/let me do whatever I want... you see I know they'd just be empty promises that he'd be saying out of emotion and not because of a genuine belief that I should be able to make my own decisions.

Once again thanks for your advice. I am going out for a meal tonight with a lovely Spanish lady I met at belly dancing classes last year, it will be nice to catch up and practice the language.

Enjoy your evening. What time is it where you are? Where even are you!!

It is 1:17 p.m here in the Southern United States. I'm glad you're going to have a nice evening. Have a great weekend and if you need to post... I'll be on and off this site all weekend... Blessings:)

[eveamee09]

Hi Kit, still keeping busy and trying to answer other questions on here to take my mind off it. It is half past midnight though so I will probably try to sleep now and not worry too much about everything.

Thanks again and I hope you also enjoy your weekend. Speak soon : )

[Kitkat22]

Hi Kit, still keeping busy and trying to answer other questions on here to take my mind off it. It is half past midnight though so I will probably try to sleep now and not worry too much about everything.

Thanks again and I hope you also enjoy your weekend. Speak soon : )

I'm glad you're getting involved here.. We need you. Have a great weekend:)

[eveamee09]

Hey, just wondering if I could get some advice on this.. it's his big boxing match in exactly one week and I was supposed to be going to watch and support. Obviously I'm not going now, but I really really would love to know how he gets on and whether he wins/loses etc... it's something he's been preparing for all year and means a lot. Do you think it would be a good idea to text him good luck before hand, and then ask him to contact me afterwards to tell me how it went? Or should I contact one of his friends who's going and ask them to text me the result? I know one friend quite well so could easily ask him to keep my updated. What do you think?

[Kitkat22]

Hey, just wondering if I could get some advice on this.. it's his big boxing match in exactly one week and I was supposed to be going to watch and support. Obviously I'm not going now, but I really really would love to know how he gets on and whether he wins/loses etc... it's something he's been preparing for all year and means a lot. Do you think it would be a good idea to text him good luck before hand, and then ask him to contact me afterwards to tell me how it went? Or should I contact one of his friends who's going and ask them to text me the result? I know one friend quite well so could easily ask him to keep my updated. What do you think?

Contact through the friend is definitely the best way to go... Also something else I've been thinking about.. when you all meet to exchange your personal items or you to give his things back.. have a friend with you... Please. I really think his mom might be the best one to give him his things back. Would she do it for you? The less contact the better.

This man isn't going to change his ways and he thinks you'll be the one
Cave and come back to him. He's going to come at you with emotional tactics i.e. tears, sadness, guilt... don't fall for it. The tears are because he is alone and you're not there to be the little woman anymore. Be Brave... Kit

[prowaker]

Hey eve,
Check your private inbox

[talaniman]

I think any contact through friends or family from afar is a lousy idea. Trying to keep up with what he is doing only prolongs the confusion, and pain, and totally distracts you from gaining clarity, and objectivity to your own recovery.

[eveamee09]

Kit, I agree with what you are saying - the thing is talaniman that the break-up hasn't really been made official yet - for the sake of both of our exams, we have agreed not to talk about it for the three weeks and discuss everything afterwards. I truly believe though that he is holding onto the hope that I will come round and decide to be with him (which is definitely not what I am planning on doing at all, but I think it's good that he thinks this for the time being though as it really is what's getting him through these important exams) and then I will tell him afterwards. I feel bad for allowing him to live with this false hope, but I think it would be crueler to do it all now, and disrupt both of our degrees.

I am pretty sure Kit that he will try all those tactics. They worked on me a year and a half ago, so he thinks they'll work on me now. I think the idea about having someone there with us when I give the things back and break-up with him face to face is good. I might plan to go to his house making sure people like his Mum are there at the time, and make it quick and swift - just tell him the truth that I don't want to have this relationship anymore, and get out. I think I owe it to him to say it face to face though and not on the phone/through other people. But if in 3 weeks I feel differently I might change my mind if it's best for both of us. I wish I could just do it all now and begin the healing process - but that just wouldn't be fair or sensible in my opinion.

Thanks both for all of your advice. And I will try to find my private inbox - haven't a clue where it is!

[Kitkat22]

Kit, I agree with what you are saying - the thing is talaniman that the break-up hasn't really been made official yet - for the sake of both of our exams, we have agreed not to talk about it for the three weeks and discuss everything afterwards. I truly believe though that he is holding onto the hope that I will come round and decide to be with him (which is definitely not what I am planning on doing at all, but I think it's good that he thinks this for the time being though as it really is what's getting him through these important exams) and then I will tell him afterwards. I feel bad for allowing him to live with this false hope, but I think it would be crueler to do it all now, and disrupt both of our degrees.

I am pretty sure Kit that he will try all those tactics. They worked on me a year and a half ago, so he thinks they'll work on me now. I think the idea about having someone there with us when I give the things back and break-up with him face to face is good. I might plan to go to his house making sure people like his Mum are there at the time, and make it quick and swift - just tell him the truth that I don't want to have this relationship anymore, and get out. I think I owe it to him to say it face to face though and not on the phone/through other people. But if in 3 weeks I feel differently I might change my mind if it's best for both of us. I wish I could just do it all now and begin the healing process - but that just wouldn't be fair or sensible in my opinion.

Thanks both for all of your advice. And I will try to find my private inbox - haven't a clue where it is!

Good luck and let me know how the weekend goes...

[eveamee09]

Hey.. the weekend went surprising well thank you.. I hope everybody else's did too. I distracted myself quite a lot by spending time with my family and going out for meals/to the cinema. I have just arrived back to Unversity now though for three weeks... and I can't believe how lonely I suddenly feel. This room is a place where I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend and somewhere where I'd chat to him on the phone every day for hours.. like normally I'd call him up now to talk and tell him how my journey was etc and that I've arrived safely... but he's not here any more and that's a really hard thing to accept.

I am not going to contact him no way but the desire is definitely there. I suppose I just have to try and distract myself by studying and talking to some friends.. but where I am it's really quiet and there's hardly anything ever going on. I have just sort of realised how much I miss him and feel a bit down. This really isn't good.

[talaniman]

It is what it is, deal with it, and be creative like blast the box, and talk to the first one who complains, or grab a nutty hat, and explore the campus, or go make friends. Why sit and be bored, that's so boring.

[Kitkat22]

It is what it is, deal with it, and be creative like blast the box, and talk to the first one who complains, or grab a nutty hat, and explore the campus, or go make friends. Why sit and be bored, thats so boring.

Tal gave you great advice and you need to call some friends and have them over or meet them for coffee. Don't sit in that room studying... study outside or go to a coffee bar or a park. You'll get through this.:)

[eveamee09]

Thanks guys. I am planning on getting out this evening and going to visit some friends living near by to catch up. Either that or study at the library. I was just sorting through one of my draws and came across the most beautiful Valentine's Day card he had written for me. Stupidly I read everything in it, all the poems/jokes/lovely things about our love that he wrote. It's so sad because I am remembering what we have between us and how in love we are/were.. and it hurts. But you're right, sitting here thinking about it won't do anyone any good. I will try and go out.

[Kitkat22]

Thanks guys. I am planning on getting out this evening and going to visit some friends living near by to catch up. Either that or study at the library. I was just sorting through one of my draws and came accross the most beautiful Valentine's Day card he had written for me. Stupidly I read everything in it, all the poems/jokes/lovely things about our love that he wrote. It's so sad because I am remembering what we have between us and how in love we are/were.. and it hurts. But you're right, sitting here thinking about it won't do anyone any good. I will try and go out.

Good for you... have a great day!:)

[positiveparent]

Im sure you've already been given all the advice about how to deal with this, however I merely wish to enforce all other views and opinions expressed here.

You have made the right decision, I was in a relationship myself once many moons ago and that person was controlling and once we married I ended up a battered wife, in the end he went to stab me, and the result being I ended up having over 2 hours of surgery on my hand as I had grabbed the knife that he was attempting to kill me with, and yes he did want to kill me.

Anyone who tries to control you as a person is bad news so put a huge distance between yourself and them, you say you argued often about religious issues and such, you really have had a lucky escape and he's trying to use emotional blackmail on you, don't fall for it, like his not getting back to you one time when you phoned him, that's his way of using emotional blackmail, don't fall for it, don't call him at all, your relationship with him is over, make it a clean break, don't go meeting him to give him an explanation, you owe him nothing, he knows why the relationship is over, let him get on with his life and you yours.

Also don't fall for any promises he may make you about him going to so say change and anything of the kind, he won't change, or he may for a few weeks or months, but in no time it will all go back to how it was, leopards don't change their spots they merely re-arrange them.

I was in a controlling relationship for 7 years I was often promised the earth how he was sorry how he would change, He didn't change, he got worse, and as stated I ended up stabbed, had the sight of the blood spurting from my hand not scared him I could so easily be dead now.

You've done the right thing, now let it go, you really must for your own sake and peace of mind.

Good Luck to you, and I wish you the best.

You made the right choice

[eveamee09]

Hello. Wow, that is such powerful advice and has made me feel so so good about what I've done. I am so glad that you managed to come through okay, especially after how awfully he treated you. Hearing stories like yours makes me feel stronger and more eager to do the right thing and get out whilst I still can.

I have been considering for the last few days to actually not even meet him to give him an explanation, but to simply make it a phone call instead so that I don't feel the pressure of seeing him face to face, and so that he doesn't get the chance to manipulate me. Because I know he would do his best to manipulate me, probably with best intentions at heart, but obviously detrimental for me if it somehow worked. After what you've said I'm beginning to think that this might be the best idea, because I really don't want to be dragged into this whole thing again. However it's annoying me because judging by his text he sent last week, he seems to think that the reason I'm leaving him is because he wouldn't sleep with me anymore, and that I got fed up with that. It's hurtful because sex was one of the last things on my mind. It was more the lack of intimacy and acceptance that upset me rather than the actual sexual side of things. So I feel like I want to explain that to him, if you know what I mean.

I agree with what you say about people not changing. After 2 years of trying he hasn't altered one bit, just got worse, so I believe that he will always be this way. I don't necessarily think he is a person who would physically hurt me, but the mental and emotional torture was enough for it to cross the line, and you never know how it could all progress in the future.

Right now being on my own is quite hard though, as all the feelings of love and missing him come back. They are also paired with the feelings of relief and knowledge that I'm doing the right thing, but I can't help missing him terribly and imagining what it would be like for him to hug me again. It sounds silly after all he's put me through but it really hurts that that will never happen.

I have to be strong though. This website has turned into a bit of a personal journal for me, it's helpful to see it all laid out in words. I feel sorry for everyone who has to read it though!

Thank you for your advice positiveparent, you really have helped and encouraged me more. And Kit, thanks for your encouragement and care too.

[Kitkat22]

You're doing better.. I can see that . Keep it up.

[eveamee09]

I know this is a bit silly but I feel really lonely... for the last couple of hours I've been trying to get some revision done but I can't stop thinking about how much I miss him and how much I have desires to just talk to him. Instead of considering ringing him I thought I'd come on here instead. I know I'm going to be told to go out and do something, but to be quite honest the people here aren't the type of people who go out much & I'm not too close to them (keep themselves to themselves) and I'm not feeling up to going out anywhere this evening. In pyjamas with no make-up.. really don't fancy it! I think I just want somebody to talk to. I feel bad because I should really be able to deal with these lonely feelings on my own.. but when you have somebody there for you every minute of every day for a couple of years it's pretty hard when they're gone.