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sadtom · Nov 5, 2011, 05:56 AM

Hi

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years. She is 29 I am 27. I love her very much. She often discusses our future with me which not always has went down well with me. We have both being living together for nearly 3 years.

In year 1/2 I voiced my desire to move away from our current location to a city that is closer to my parents home. This city will make it half way between our current location and my parents home. Career prospects will be a lot better for me in the new city and a lot of my friends and her friends live and work there.

The reason I want to be near my home, is my father owns a farm and is retiring soon. I am the only person he can hand the land off to. I don't want to turn him down as the land has been in the family for generations.

When voicing this desire to my girlfriend she did not feel the same. Her dream is to build a house near her parents home when we get married. A compromise doesn't seem to be an option for her as we have discussed this several times. Because I love her very much and want to stay with her, I have agreed that we will follow her dream.

2 years on, its getting to the time where we should be getting married. But I am getting cold feet to commit to her in this way knowing the option of moving will be gone. I have also a fear that if we get married that my desire to move away will come back again, and again, and will harm our relationship.

So for the last few weeks I have been thinking that I should just call a halt to the relationship and break up. Am I doing the right thing? I know she is going to be distraught. Its going to look like I just wasted 4 years of her life. Should I just give up everything for her? What is the best way to let her down, and not crush her?

Thanks
T

DoulaLC · Nov 5, 2011, 06:49 AM

If you both can't agree on a compromise, and will be unhappy enough for it to effect the relationship, you may have to call it off.

There are a few ways to compromise however. It could be neither of you move to where you want to be, but decide together on a place in between. What would be healthiest for your relationship? That is what counts. It could be that you move to her desired location, with the understanding that in a certain time frame you will then move to your choice... or the other way round; live in your choice first and make a move later (this, however, can be difficult since you will have established yourselves in the first location).

It is unfortunate that she appears not to want to discuss other options with you. Does she have specific reasons for wanting to be close to her family?

You may have to decide whether you can live without her as your wife, or without living where you would like to if a compromise can not be found.

talaniman · Nov 5, 2011, 11:05 PM

Dude if you are going to leave, you both will be crushed for a while. I doubt you find happiness, without being willing to compromise.

shortyb · Nov 19, 2011, 12:20 PM

OK well my boyfriend is similar to you he wants to move to Missouri to be by his family his mom is elderly and she is getting old, he hasn't been working and I'm looking to transfer schools soon anyway at first I was lik no what about my family because we are in Florida right now but he broke it down and pointed out things such as all my family is actually in ny and cali the only family I have in fl is my sister my mom and my dad who want to move as well so it wouldn't matter plus we moved closer to them and they hardly come over any way . Well basically forget this long long story all I'm trying to say is point out benefits for her so she can see why your pushing her and show her the positives for her and also do the pros and cons so this way in her mind she can see if it is worth it as well as you will too , woman always think future and men always think NOW so sometimes you need to do this...