[appledapple]

Hello,
My name is Lucy and I'm 25.
I'm going through some dark days . In Fall 2007, I developed this relationship with a wonderful man while I was in the U.K. He and I had such great chemistry instantaneously after our first date. He was the second man that I ever slept with in my life, and he woke up something in me that I never knew I ever had (we had a bdsm relationship, I always had a penchant for it, but he was the one that brought it out of me properly). He also brought back something I thought I lost forever, that was the ability to be overwhelmingly happy. I thought I had been too jaded for this for a long time (even if I'm still young). Anyhow, I had to go back to the states and this was when my luck turned sour. We were still talking.I wanted to see him desperately, but my financial situation was out of control. One obstacle after another a problem came up. He offered to pay for my tickets a few time to go see him. But I couldn't because I knew he was scrapping by himself. So I refused it over and over. He confessed that he loves me as did in the following 3 weeks. However, I could not promise when I could go see him again no matter how hard I tried saving up money. We both tried to be realistic about the situation, I told him that he shouldn't wait for me, and that he should pursue other people. He dated a couple of girls , but would always come back talking to me. I was okay with that, a little sad that he may move on.

Then the hard times really came around. I lost my job, had to worry about rent, and paying off my freelance taxes. We started to argue more and more, and the distance between us became a too much to bare for him. Then we got in a big fight. He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. I finally caught up with him, desperate to know what was going on as I was already emotional from arguing. He told me he was going to see a friend for a week, and then talk to me after wards. 2 weeks passed, no word from him. I wrote him a letter and he replied that his heart was torn and he has been seeing someone else now. I went bat crazy, we talked and he didn't went to see his friend, he went to see this girl he had met at the bar when we argued. He then went to Austria to spend 5 days with her. She told him she loved him, and he thinks he loved her too. But she lives in Austria, so another long distance relationship for him. When he told me all that, it just broke my heart, because he also said he still loves me too. This leaves me very confused.

I was so upset that he didn't tell me. It came out of no where. I understand he shouldn't wait for me forever, but we had an agreement to keep each other posted if feelings for someone else should arise. I feel that this did not give me any closure at all. Especially if he still claims to have feelings for me. I feel so resentful!

To this day we still talk. He is the one that messages me, however I am the one that makes myself available to him. He still dangles hope in front of me. He says he wishes he can tear himself in half so he can be with the two of us (this made me livid). I still love him a lot. And this situation sometimes drives me crazy. He says he has to be faithful to his current girlfriend, yet he's still talking to me. He wants his cake, and ice cream, and cherry pie! And he wants to eat it all! Admittly he even said he was selfish but he can't help it!

Under normal circumstance, I would have just walked away from the situation. But I did not get closure, and I still pine for him. IN march, I am going back to the u.k to look for grad schools and to settle the score with him (he has offered his place for me to stay. ). I don't know if it's a good idea, but I know if I don't do it, I will drive myself crazy for not doing it, as I was being pragmatic before , trying to take care of my here and couldn't visit him and that bit me in the .

I want closure, I don't want to resent him anymore, because the circumstances were kind of out of our hands, I don't want him to hate/resent me. I still love him a lot, but I feel there is so much dirty water now. It makes me worried if we did had another chance, would we still have the same feelings? I don't know if I'm ready to be friends as of all my thoughts are consistently about him, and that maybe unhealthy, and the fact that we still talk to each other maybe a bit unhealthy too.
I find myself becoming the crazy I want my ex back girl! Im jealous of his new girlfriend, I check his Facebook quite often. Which I've never done before or thought I would do.

I'm really confused right now on how to deal with it. I was not ready for the betrayal. I wish he would have just told me. It's consuming me. At this point, I don't know if we should stay in touch after I see him. I just wish we would have both stopped at the wonderful feelings and just stayed cool. It is unfortunate for both of us. He's not exactly the here. We were both s. Half of me is hoping that he still wants a relationship with me and half that I will be able to move on and find someone that was just as wonderful as he was in the beginning.
Please, anyone, dispense your opinions and sage advice. What would you do in a situation like this?

[SaraKammeraad]

Honestly it seems to me like he did tell you. Yeah, at first he hid it a little, but I think that at the time he kind of had a right. Maybe he did not want to tell you until he knew whether he had some sort of emotions towards this other woman.

I think that you should have a serious talk with him about you coming back out there and for possibly good. Ask him how he feels about the situation. Make sure that he is aware that you don't want to not have a relationship but that you will not be 1 of the other girls, but you want to be the only girl. Ask him if his other girl knows about you and your relationship, current and past. I think that once you know that you will know where he's thinking from. To hide it would be a lie and it shows that even though he may be telling you he loves you and her it's just a bunch of crap.

If she is aware of you and that your going to visit possibly it shows that yes he genuinely does care and has respect for you as well as her. I think you should ask him some of the questions and concerns that you've been having, I think that that is where a lot of the resentment is coming from plus it would help with closure. Let him answer your questions, try not to interrupt and listen to what he has to say, you will more than likely get the answer that you so desperately need. I hope this helps. I'll keep checking your posts in the future.

[talaniman]

You knew it was a difficult thing to be with someone from a distance in the first place, so now its time to let it all go, and move ahead with your own life.

Painful as it is, until you start thinking of yourself, and what you need to do, you will put yourself through unnecessary misery and pain, and still have to let go, and get your act together.

Don't prolong it, disappear from his life, and go on with your. Make your own closure.

[appledapple]

Threads merged

Hello,

I have a couple of questions that I'd like you all to shed some light on.

So here is the background story. In 2007 I met this really wonderful person in London and we really hit it off and dated for 4 months. Then I had to leave for the states. We continued talking almost everyday for the whole of 2008. He confessed that he loved me 3 months after I left. That changed the dynamic of our relationship. Because now, we had an anchor to our attachment.

Time transpired, I wanted to go visit, but as you know financial crisis went crazy in 2008 for everyone. I got laid off, I couldn't afford a plane ticket, etc. We started arguing more , I was having difficult times and so was he. We didn't talk for 2 weeks, and all of a sudden he got a new girlfriend who is also long distance, but in the EU (mind you, we never really defined our relationship when I left. We kind of just kept it open. He however did not sleep with anyone for nearly a year.)I was heart broken because I liked him so much and now he liked someone else, and compared her to the same spark that we had. It hurt so damn much when he told me that. Why didn't I walk away then?

What he did seems so spiteful because it happened after we had a rough argument. He did not stop talking to me all that time. Which really confused me. He said he loved her, but they only seen each other a total of 11 days through out the 5 months they've dated. They knew very little of each other and he continued talking to me. I don't know how he fathoms that as love. I say infatuation. If he really wanted to make it work with that girl. He would have cut me out. Why didn't he?

Anyhow. I booked a plane ticket to go see post-graduate schools in the U.K and I was going to stay at his flat.He agreed to it. So I arrived and was really happy to see him, he was happy to see me too. I missed him soooo MUCH! But it was very different. I felt that he was rationing his affection and love and I was still very hurt. We got take out food and watched a movie at his flat. We slept together in his bed.

The next day I asked, what does your girlfriend think of all this? And he goes, she's out of the picture. I didn't even know she broke up with him! I was happy, but really confused. She was my rebound. Now, I'm her rebound. With each turn of events. New questions arises, dynamics change. I hate myself for over-analyzing the situation. I really dislike this girl, and when I was at his flat, I threw all her stuff that she left away (he didn't even notice), it stank of euro trashy floral! I saw pictures of her on his camera and it was very painful to see them, because the way the pictures were taken, he really liked her and found her very desirable. I was so saad and jealous.

Anyhow, what threw me for another loop was. He took me to his mothers! He said he had to do laundry and it wasn't like we were getting married or anything. But it was weird! She had made a wonderful dinner. It felt like Thanksgiving. I noticed that she wrote my name down on her calender in the kitchen.

I felt very special but still very wary. She also knew a lot about me and asked me a lot of questions and he told me that she told him that I was very lovely while I wasn't in the room. He got all affectionate with me after wards, like holding hands and such. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?

Anyhow, to this day we are still talking and we're at the same place we were before. It's still open since I can't just immediately go to grad school there. I'm not happy with that. I wish he'd just want to be with me. But he says whatever happens, happens. He also wants me to have a chance to be happy too.

He told me if I find someone I like I should go for it (easier said than done). He's being pragmatic about the distance we still have, however. I wish he'd be more proactive about being with me. Instead of dangling hope. I understand that I have a choice. However, given my tenacious (stupid) nature, I don't want to walk away less I give it all I got. At least I knew I tried.

There is an air of seriousness now. It used to be just about fun and affection. I really missed those days and yearn for them. But I'm still nursing a heart that now has trust issues. He is in a situation where he can't give me reassurance, which blows! Why am I so smitten by someone who can't even meet me half way? In his mind. He is trying, by talking to me most days. I asked him why can't he cut it off? He says, he can't bring himself to do it and that he is selfish.

He is a really nice person, and he treated me very nice while I was over there looking at schools. I still like him a lot. This situation is so unfair for the both of us. I wish I can let all these bad feelings go and start a new with him, or be able to move on with out feelings remorse.Anyways, we did have a heart to heart talk. He said of course he would try, but only if I were to be there. But he also realizes that it's not a promise that it would work. I am fine with that, as long as I knew I tried.

I know he cares about me, I guess I am someone important in his life because he talks to his mother a lot about me. She knew a lot about me. However, he does point out that distance is a key issue here. Also, that he is getting older, he is 36, and he is sick of coming home to an empty bed and not having someone to go out with when he see his friends and their wives.He just wants someone to love and take care of him. I suppose I understand his plight, He does not want to wait around, however he does not have to string me around either. It's partially my fault. I'm too damn tenacious for my own good. It doesn't look good when a girl does it.

Why is he giving me mixed signals?

What the hell is he doing and thinking?

Can I get over the hurt and the implication of emotional baggage?

What can I do to make this work? How can I ask him to help me heal?

Why am I so damn smitten when I know that I should treat myself better? Is this normal to have still have fond feelings for a person even if they did you wrong?

Why is he so confused?

Am I kidding myself?

I want to be happy again. How do I achieve this?

[none12345]

I'm going to try to answer your questions first before telling you what I think:

Why is he giving me mixed signals?

Exactly like he said, he is being selfish, he's trying to hold onto you and have you as a backup in case he doesn't find something better.

What the hell is he doing and thinking?

He is just living his life. Doesn't seem like he cares about you the way he said he does because if he truly did he would meet you half way. He's holding onto you in case, he doesn't find anything else and he ll know he can result to you.

Can I get over the hurt and the implication of emotional baggage?

You can, it takes a lot of work and commitment to. To get over the hurt and emotional baggage, don't contact him no matter what and disappear from his life. It takes time and it hurts as hell but it gets better slowly everyday as long as you stick to no contact.

What can I do to make this work? How can I ask him to help me heal?

A relationshp takes 2 people to make it work and if he's not going to try, its not going to work out, you ll just end up tiring yourself and in the end feel horrible.

Why am I so damn smitten when I know that I should treat myself better? Is this normal to have still have fond feelings for a person even if they did you wrong?

Because no one likes to lose something that means something to them. They try their best to make it work but in the end the other person have to try to or else it won't. You focus on the good and think of the perfect situation if you guys ended up together and not the reality. Yes it is normal, it takes a long time to forget someone you truly love.

Why is he so confused?

Confused? I don't think so. Just sounds like an excuse to tell you. He really knows what he wants but can't break it to you in your face. Trust me this is what it is most of the case. Seems like he is tired of doing long distance relationship.

Am I kidding myself?

Of course you are. Your judgements are still clouded with him in mind. Take some time for yourself without him, and you ll start to see things more clearly.

I want to be happy again. How do I achieve this?

You don't think about a relationship and work on yourself to become a better person and do all the things you wanted to do but can't before because he was in the way or things you just want to do and one day that special someone will walk into your life.

Wooot. Now I'm tired. Hope that clears things up. Ill post more stuff later and ill be in touch if you need more questions answered ^_^ hope it helped. GOOD LUCK!

-none12345

[Nestorian]

Sorry my posts are long. I've yet to go back over them and make them more "logical" and shorter.


True love, can be many things. Every one has their opinion, experiences, interpretation, and perceptions about it.

True, as defined at: true definition | Dictionary.com
1. being in accordance with the actual state or conditions; conforming to reality or fact; not false: a true story.
2. real; genuine; authentic: true gold; true feelings.
3. sincere; not deceitful: a true interest in someone's welfare.
4. firm in allegiance; loyal; faithful; steadfast: a true friend.

Love as defined at: love definition | Dictionary.com
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Lets say love is a firm genuine, deep affection and loyalty that is built upon a profoundly passionate faithful belief in the binding of two people's lives. Forever they will be attached in one form or another. Personally I would argue that there is also a point to which one may need to learn to let go of a love, simply because only if you truly love some one/ thing will you find the strength to let them go of your own free will. I think that is important, because it lets people know that we don't have to be together just because we "have to", but we stay together because we want to. Also some times, the one's we want to stay with, don't want to stay with us, and so we have to accept that so we can move on. There maybe "soul mates", but it's not clear as to whether we develop, and grow into such, or if it's predetermined for us. Maybe finding our soul mate has more to do with finding ourselves, and in doing so can finally attract our soul mates. Very mysterious is the world that we pretend to know.

Lust= Passion, sex drive and hormones. One night stands, or meaningless flings. (The people that do this seem to show very little self respect, and tend to "...act kinda proud with no respect for themselves." P.O.D.- Youth of the nation)

Love= Passion, sex drive, hormones, enjoy a person's company/ personality, and some respect. (Actually, I think this may be most relationships in our world. In love, but not so willing to see the difference between them self and their lover, and what their relationship really means. There are different types, levels and kinds of Love at this level. Like the women who loves her man so much even when he hits her, or when the man loves his women but she cheats on him. Then there is the couple that is relatively happy together, but don't really grow, or progress because they are too different, or a like, or just don't work well together. )

True Love= The one you will spend your life with, while there is time left to spend. You understand that you may not be together forever, but still live for the moment. You are comfortable with each other, and yourselves. Grow together, and progress in life, due to a healthy balance. When there is a split, it is on good terms, hard, painful still but good. (The "good" split is not to be confused with a careless, reckless, and respect-less split. It is not like the couple who splits and stay's friends and cheats on their new partners with the one they are splitting on good terms with. I might argue that true friends are in true love.)

Soul Mates= True Love + Forever being with your lover as your lover will forever be with you. The one you are dedicated to until death do you part. Perhaps the one you will follow into the after life, what ever it maybe. Know yourself, and you will know your soul mate.

As to whether I believe these... They are possibilities, just like anything, everything, nothing, and something else...

will everyone find love?
That is dependent, do we count the love of GOD as some believe, the Love one feels for themselves, The love of a family or friends?

Love is not all about passion and sex. It's more complicated, and it also depends where what your cultural back ground is. I some times think that is why people are so confused about love, because they feel the same feeling for some one they love as for some one they want to just have sex with. That heated passion, and so on. But love is more than that, it's about connection, and being able to be with the one you love with out invading who they are. So often people get messed up by their feelings saying, "Oh look at this new exciting prospect of adventure..." Then the morals and spiritual guidance kicks in, "This is not right, I may be attracted, but i don't know this person. It's very dangerous, STDs, rape, murder, and so on. I deserve to be treated better then a fluzy, sex toy." Then it's a perpetual war waged within the confines of your own mind. These days people seem more prone to act on basic instinct and feelings than reason, and honorable intentions. Don't get me wrong, that's just an over generalization. There are still people who do care about what happens to one another, and do seem to be happy even after just a one night stand, but not always. Haha I guess I've been hanging around too many rough necks eh? Haha, welders, mill laborers, and such.

All I've given you is just my opinion. No real evidence saying nor suggesting its true.

Peace and kindness be with you.


“If you love someone, does it mean you would be able to let them go and be happy with someone else? Even if its hard as hell for you?”- Some one smart.

You may consider following this, Forgive yourself for past mistakes. Or it will be hard to know yourself. If you can not forgive yourself and thus let go of the past, you may only end up in situations that are too familiar and using your illusions II make things seem good when they are not. As Guns 'N' Roses play,
"Cause yesterday's got nothin' for me
Old pictures that I'll always see
Some things could be better
If we'd all just let them be..."

Forgive yourself, then you can begin to know yourself. No it is very unlikely that we will ever know our self's entirely, for it's an on going progression that lasts through out our entire being, or so it is seems that such advice is important to keep in mind. When we get to know ourselves, we get to understand the connection we have and share with others. Whether it's, a lover, friend, the vary air we breath, the food we eat, the substances we put in our bodies, and the balance between all. Like I said, how can we know our soul mate if we don't know ourselves. So, if we break up with one lover and wish to improve our ability to be in a healthy relationship, then perhaps the best way to do this is by first getting to be ourselves. That means know yourself, and you shall know Love. It can be seen as not true, but I believe that is, for the most part, if you use your illusions II make things seem other than they are. If you can not be honest with yourself, you can not be honest with others.

Love yourself, this is very hard for most, on account that we all have such high expectations for ourselves and one another. This one is very touchy and hard to deal with since it's a very powerful emotion. We tend to try and tighten our grip on it, but no matter how tight to grip it, it just runs through our hands like sand. We become addicted to Love, and in the book "The brain that changes it'self" it is compared to the drug Cocaine. While we have our love, or in my best interpretation that which seems to invoke the feeling of "Love"/"Euphoria", we are "happy". Then we start to associate things with that "Love". Should we loose that "love", we become depressed and miss that “love” dearly.
This is the complex part, we feel euphoric because the pleasure centers in the Septal region of the Limbic system is turned on. This makes us associate what we experience, good or Bad, with the feeling of pleasure. When we are "in Love", on a "manic High" (term for people who have a mental illness called Mania, or bipolar.), or if we are under the influence of cocaine; the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire is lowered, making it easier for them to turn on. "Neurons that fire together wire together." (this term implies that while the threshold of our pleasure centers is lowered, we associate what ever we do/see/think/feel/smell and generally experience with Pleasure.) Now, the pleasure center has another name, "the appetitive pleasure system" ("Appetitive: 1. An instinctive physical desire, especially one for food or drink. 2. A strong wish or urge: an appetite for learning." - Appetitive - definition of Appetitive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.) The reason for the strong urge or instinctive physical desire is because the appetitive pleasure system is a dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire.

So now, when we separate from our "love" for too long we suffer from with drawl and the things that we associated with our "love", rather than bringing us happy feelings, they taunt us and serve as a dark reminder of the love we lost. That can change over time, but when the separation is new, it's really hard to look past the pain, and illusions we create. Generally after losing a love, the pleasure center isn't functioning the same, so they crash and begin craving their "love", get anxious, doubt themselves, lose their energy, and feel rundown if not depressed. Like the junky getting a small fix, a letter, e-mail, text message, or telephone message from our "love" gives us that old shot of energy and joy.

Relationships that are regular and routine, well the dopamine in our systems likes novelty, so we have to keep things rather fresh and new, exciting or our brains get bored. They need stimulation, and I've come to wonder if people who have relationship troubles and drink or do drugs regularly, aren't linked to this idea of new and fresh. See, when we do drugs, drink alcohol, we kill brain cells and make it hard for the brain to learn new things. That is only in relative terms though, and a whole new story.

[Nestorian]

I may be repeating some stuff, sorry about that, but here is more to the psychological perspective on Neurological explanation of addiction/love. I'm having a hard time finding where to start for your Sexual behaviour, and how to use the porn addiction section in the book to explain it. I hope this helps.

"Ok, so we have a pleasure center located in the limbic system, a part of the brain heavily involved in processing emotion, and a Dr. Robert Heath did experiments on humans in this area. He took electrodes, the brain doesn't have feeling, and put them into the septal region of the limbic system and turned it on, the patient would then experience a powerful euphoria, so powerful that one patient pleaded with them not to stop. This same region fires up when pleasant subjects were discussed and during orgasm. These pleasure centers were found to be part of the brain's reward system, the mesolimbic dopamine system.
When the pleasure center is turned on everything we experience gives us pleasure. Cocaine lowers the threshold at which our pleasure centers will fire, making it easier for them to turn on. The three reasons our pleasure center's thresholds are lowered are we do a drug like Cocaine, have a manic high (Manics, bipolar.), or we are in love.
If a person gets high on Cocaine, becomes manic, or falls in love, they enter an enthusiastic state and are optimistic about everything, because all three will lower the firing threshold for the appetitive pleasure system, the dopamine-based system associated with the pleasure of anticipating something we desire. They are sensitive to anything that may give them pleasure, and are filled with hopeful anticipation. Things like nature, flowers, grass, sunshine inspire them; small but thoughtful gestures allow them to delight in all man kind. Doidge, the writer of "the brain that changes it'self", calls this process "Globalization".
Globalization allows us to take more pleasure in the world, and inhibits pain, displeasure, or aversion. Things that normally bother us, don't. We love being in love not only because it makes it easier for us to be happy but also because it makes it harder for us to be unhappy.
Globalization allows us to learn new things easier too; because when we are "in love" we are "happy, and it's harder to be unhappy, we like things we normally don't", and the dopamine helps the brain consolidate "Neuroplasticity". (plastic is the brains ability to rearrange it's neuro-connections to accommodate, the addition of information, sub traction, brain damage, "Hemisphere-ectimy" (I'm not sure how to spell it, YouTube - Brain Plasticity), and various other brain related issues.)

Freud once described the elated effects of cocaine to his fiancee, Martha, in letters. He says, he feels fearless, not fatigued, less shy, increased self esteem, no longer depressed, euphoric, enhances his energy, enthusiasm, and has an aphrodisiac effect. He was describing a state akin to "romantic intoxication". The book says in both cases, the Cocaine high, and "romantic Intoxication" may impair one's judgment. Recent fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans of lovers looking at photos of their sweethearts show that a part of the brain with great concentrations of dopamine is activated; their brains looked like those of people on cocaine.

When separated for too long, lovers crash and experience withdrawal, crave their beloved, get anxious, doubt them selves, lose their energy, and feel run-down if not depressed. Like a little fix a letter, and e-mail, or a telephone message from the beloved provides and instant shot of energy. Should they brake up, they get depressed- the opposite of the manic high...
After a time of being with some one, the brain doesn't produce that dopamine like before, if they adapt to well to each other. Dopamine likes novelty. (From NESTORAIN: Some people might say that their spouse/partner is too dull, but really they are just addicted to the unpredictability, and excitement that comes with exploration of a new place. You can do what you'd like here, but it may be wise to try and spice it up a bit, be random some times, spontaneous, and take time away from one another so you both don't get "tired" of one another.) Dr.Doidge believes that this means their "plastic" brains have so well adapted to each other that it's harder for them to get the same buzz they once got from each other.
Dr. Doidge also suggests if this happens to inject novelty into the relationship. Try new activities together, or wear new kinds of clothing, surprise one another. Pretty much keep the brain working, entertained, and learning fresh new things." _ The brain that changes it'self by Dr. Norman Doidge M.D.

I hope that helps, I didn't quite quote the book, but I did paraphrase, and used some lines right from it. Those were just pages 113-116. There is so much more to this chapter on love, mind you it does go into details on porn addiction, sexual perversions and how they may work/happen. Very interesting, as it is the chapter on Acquiring tastes and loves. Very interesting stuff, but if you're not into that, I guess not eh!

[none12345]

Lol. Long answer as always Nes. I always start reading it but gave up before the end but there is a lot of wisdom there.

I've come a long way buddy, learned everything the hard way that's why. Lol

Stewie griffin quote!! LOL no offence but that is probably the only quote I think is cool!! Lol

[Nestorian]

I really should learn that link button thing haha. Ah what eve, I still make changes to what I've written now and again. So its like updating it. ;)

"I say infatuation. If he really wanted to make it work with that girl. He would have cut me out. Why didn't he?"- OP

Kind of ansewred your own question eh? If he is just infatuated, then it only makes sense to keep a girl you really like on the side in case "poop". Then he has his back up "plan B".

"I really dislike this girl... I was soo saad and jealous."-OP She was a threat to your relationship with him, and he was your dopamine addiction. Be mindful of your feelings, but don't let them control you, or you may find life chaotic.

"Instead of dangling hope. I understand that I have a choice. However, given my tenacious (stupid) nature, I don't wanna walk away less I give it all I got. At least I knew I tried."-OP

The only hope we have is the hope we make. Yes you have a chioce, live your life for you because that's all you can do. You are not stupid, niether is your tenacious nature. "What we think, we become. Fill your mind with compaction."-Buddha Tried for what? There is nothing there, because you have nothing now other than an uncertian future. Focus on what you are doing, and if you meet with him later in life, then so it shall be, but if not... There are millions of people out there in this world, how do you know there isn't a Mr. right for you?

"But I'm still nursing a heart that now has trust issues."-OP I don't think trust is a matter of heart, I think it is a matter of conscious choice. My friend told me once, "Stop making other people pay for someone else's mistakes."- Nicole If he is making the same mistake for letting a great girl go, then let him learn to miss you, or you'll be the one suffering.

"Why am I so smitten by someone who can't even meet me half way?!"-OP The dopamine is calling for him, you reinforce it by talking to him, even thinking of him, so it is important that you stop talking to him for like a year at least, and get up get out and get your mind on other things. Or you will have to endure and suffer. That is your choice, either way it's painful, but one has the possibility for you to move on, and maybe one day be with some one else. THe other, is a haphazard mess of hopes and half hearted truths. “Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.” ~Aesop

"he does point out that distance is a key issue here."-OP Distance is hard, I did it for half a year with my ex. But I never thought of any one but her, we never really got to talk on the phone and my e-mail was fubar at the time. We managed bby writing one another, each couple of weeks I'd get a letter and write back to her. What about your friends and family?

"take care of him"-OP So you want to play the part of his mother? Adults take care of themselves, and some times their lover will do some things for them, but how you say it seems a little like he wants you to replace his mother... Sorry, it just seems that way, from what you said.

"I'm too damn tenacious for my own good. It doesn't look good when a girl does it."-OP Why'd you say that? If your behaviour goes against your values then why continue it? Find a way to change it. I know what it's like to be attached to someone you really care about. The key is to get attached to other things, people and broaden your life. Expand on other avenues of life, and then as you focus on them, you'll naturally stop focusing on him. It's all about knowing where to divert your attention.

Why is he giving me mixed signals? Who knows, his reasons are his own, and we don't know much about him.

What the hell is he doing and thinking? Does it really matter?

Can I get over the hurt and the implication of emotional baggage? I don't know, Can you?

What can I do to make this work? How can I ask him to help me heal? You can do a lot of things, but what are you trying to make work? He can not help you, only you can help yourself. "Generate compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them. Do not be jealous of the good qualities of others, but out of admiration adapt them for yourself. Do not look for faults in others, but look for faults in your self and perg them like bad blood. Since you can not tame the minds of others, until you have tamed your own, begin by taming your own mind. No one saves us but our selves, no one can and no one may. We our selves must walk the path."-Buddha


Why am I so damn smitten when I know that I should treat myself better? Is this normal to have still have fond feelings for a person even if they did you wrong? You are addicted to the euphoria, dopamine is being released into your braind when you see, talk, even think of him. It's like Cocaine, literally. Frued described the effects of Cocaine and then compared that to his feelings for his wife. "Love" Yes ths is normal, but you know that's not what you want, as your mind sees that it doesn't work with your values, and your body is wanting it's "fix". You are being torn by your brian, and mind.

"Why is he so confused?" That is for him to figure out, you can't help him if you are confused. It's hard but let it go.

Am I kidding myself? Are you?

I want to be happy again. How do I achieve this? Learn to forgive yourself, know yourself, love yourself, and be yourself.

Well, I'm sure my posts are dull and long enough for you, peace and kindness be with you.

[Nestorian]

Lol. Long answer as always Nes. I always start reading it but gave up before the end but there is alot of wisdom there.

I've come a long way buddy, learned everything the hard way thats why. lol

Stewie griffin quote!!! LOL no offence but that is probably the only quote i think is cool!!!! lol

Yeah, I need to go over it and cut a bit out as I'm sure I run over the same cat a few times in there:eek:, but not intetionally.;):p

That's good bro. I see that you have made a lot of progress, indeed.

Haha, good thing it's the one I used then.;):p:cool: