[cauliflower]

Hi everyone! I have never done one of these forums before but I hope I will get the help I desperately need. Let me first introduce myself. I am turning 19 this year and have graduated from high school just last year and plan to hopefully start college later this year. I have been dealing with depression for almost 2 years now and I also deal with anxiety (mostly social anxiety) for most of my life.

My senior year of high school was definitely one of the worst years of my life. I was struggling with depression and because of that, my grades were really bad and I barely passed all my classes. When I say "barely pass" I mean literal 50's on my report card. I was so worried (and I still am) that no college would accept me because of my ridiculously bad grades.

Before my depression, I was never a 50's student. I was more of an 80's student. I'm not sure exactly what caused my depression but my parents did separate 2 years ago so now I live with just my mom (I'm an only child). My mom has no job and we are only able to afford to rent a basement that charges us $600 a month. I would say, it could also be the environment I'm living in that could have psychologically triggered my depression. The place is always dark no matter how sunny it is outside, we don't have many of them but our windows are the size of a textbook, the air isn't always fresh, and there's probably mold growing everywhere. I know it's definitely not the best place to live but it's the only place we can afford.

Ever since we moved here, I realized that I've been sleeping a lot more than usual. I could sleep for 12 hours straight no kidding and still feel restless afterwards, and of course this had a huge impact on my school performance because everyday when I came home from school I had no energy to study or do homework and all I wanted to do was to stay in bed and sleep. I also felt like staying in bed was the most comfortable place cause I felt like it I could hide from the painful world and feel somewhat peaceful. At this time, I also could not stand human interaction and I hated going to places where I would "see a lot of people" and school was one of those places. This has caused me to skip classes because I couldn't stand the feeling of just being "out there". I'm a horrible student I know but I couldn't help it. I wish I wasn't like this. But all I wanted to do was stay in my cold dark room hiding under the covers. This has been what I spent most of my time doing and I have once gone 2 days without eating because I didn't want to leave my room.

Anyway, onto schoolwork, thinking about or doing schoolwork just gave me a ton of anxiety and I always had no energy to do any of it so my school performance lacked. I wasn't studying enough for tests and especially wasn't getting my assignments done on time to the point where my teachers always had to call home and say that I haven't finished this or that. I sound like I am just someone who doesn't care about their grades and that is not true at all. I am very scared of failing. I wanted to go to university, even though now I know that's not an option with my grades so I guess now I can only look for college. I want a good job. I want to be successful. I feel like as of now, I have no future. I have nothing to look forward to. I can't be successful. I can't even go to college because of my barely passing grades. Who is going to accept 50's? Not 51 but a 50. I won't be able to get a good job. I might as well just be stuck doing McDonald's everyday. I will never be successful.

You might be thinking, why can't I just get professional help? I live with my single mother where money is extremely tight as I mentioned, she won't get a job. Also, none of us drive and we don't have a car. I also have been to my school guidance councelor countless times where I talked to a school nurse but I feel like it was no help because every time I went, I had a massive anxiety attack because I hate talking about my feelings and how I feel because I am scared of negative judgement. This is why I feel a lot more comfortable online. Anyway, I need advice with what I can do with my life as of now. I need to apply for college within the next few days but I'm afraid I won't get in. Thanks for any advice I can get!

[Wondergirl]

Questions! I have questions! Why won't your mom work? And where is Dad?

[cauliflower]

My mom has never had a job her entire life, so therefore she has no work experience. But she does do volunteer work. As for my dad, I still see him once a week but we don't live close.

[printed_sun]

I feel really sorry for you. I have a similar situation, the only difference - you have reasons for that. I was very successful at school: good studying, winning different contests. But no one liked me there because I liked crying. People usually hate that. Teachers and parents expected me to be successful, but after entering the university I felt I couldn't study anymore. I've lost all my talents like singing and writing poems.
I've already been studying for 3 years now, but my specialty is not the thing I want to do. I have no work, I live on parents money and have no stuff I really like.
I can proud of you because you don't want to give up. If you can't afford a professional's help, maybe, your school has a psychologist? Are you able to talk to your mom and make her listen to your problems? If you have an opportunity, ask your father for some help.
I usually save myself by reading and playing games. I choose not depressive books and games with an interesting plot and disappear from reality. I also walk a lot to let my eyes rest and remember the world is still beautiful.
If you have no friend, try to make them on the Internet as I usually do. You are able to find good people here.
And one more thing - start to study. Even if you don't want to. An hour a day at least. That will help you to enter college and fulfill a dream.
Hope you'll be OK. Really hope I could help.

[Wondergirl]

Consider getting a job and take what they call a "gap" year or two or three from higher education. College doesn't have to happen right after high school. Is there a community college nearby? If anything, you could take a course at a time. Or maybe there's a certificate you can earn for a specific career. Have you thought about some of the career possibilities you'd might like to get into? Meanwhile, let's figure out what to do about your anxiety and depression. May I ask what is your general location?

[cauliflower]

@printed_sun

I'm really sorry for what you have been through as well. I think we have kind of a similar situation because I as well feel like I have lost my talents and don't know what I'm good at anymore. I don't have anything specific that I like or want to do, it's almost as if I lost all my motivation to even study but I only do it because I want to be successful. But either way, I hope that your 3 years of studying will later pay off even if it's not exactly what you want to do maybe you will soon figure it out! At least now, you figured out something that isn't right for you and maybe you could try something else and find interest in it.

To answer your questions, my school doesn't have a psychologist. As I mentioned earlier, I did go see a school nurse but it didn't really help because I found it really intimidating and I didn't tell her about all my problems like I should have because I was scared. Either way, this won't work because I'm currently not attending school.
My mom knows I have problems. She herself, suffers from depression as well and has for years longer than I have and we both need help. My dad isn't going to help solve my mental problems because he keeps denying the fact that I have them. When I was little, my mom saw me as different from other children that I was unusually shy and kind of socially awkward and she wanted to take me to get help. She always tried to speak to my dad to take me to get help (because he's the one who can drive) but he just denies it saying I'm "normal" and there's nothing wrong but the truth is, he probably just doesn't want to pay for the expenses. Thank you for your comment though, I will definitely take your advice!

@Wondergirl

I am already taking a gap year at the moment because I'm really mentally unstable and need a break from school. But my mom wants me to go back to school next year because if I do, my dad will continue to support me by giving money to me every month so at least I have some income. If I don't go to school, my dad will not be supporting me because I am already past the legal age of 18. Also, I just searched it up and I don't think we have many community colleges nearby. I'm kind of thinking of just applying to a regular college. Not a university because I probably have no chance at that but just college. I have looked at the programs and I did find a few that I may be interested in. I'm just worried that no college will accept me but I'm going to apply anyway and see what happens. But I do think that in order for me to do well in college I need to get over my anxiety and depression because this has been my main cause of lacking grades.

[Wondergirl]

I'm wondering if you might be on the high end of the autism spectrum. You sound very much like my son who has been diagnosed as having Asperger's -- school problems though he has a photographic memory, social problems so that his only friends are online, he doesn't drive, has a history of being anxious and depressed, although counseling has helped that a lot. If you are medically diagnosed with autism, you may be eligible for SSI support.

If you got a degree in something you love, what would that be?

[cauliflower]

I haven't done much research on Asperger's but I do see some simularities especially social problems, for example with me growing up, I found it difficult to make friends because I always worry way too much about what people think. I always think at the back of my head that what if people secretly hate me or find me annoying so that's why I end up avoiding some people. Unlike your son however, I do have a driver's license but don't own a car so I obviously can't drive myself places and only my dad can but we don't live together.
I do wish I could get the diagnose that I need. I don't think I am able to though because I don't have anyone who can take me but I am glad that your son has been able to get the counciling he needs and that it has benefited him.

As for a degree, I do have interests in a few things such as social science, visual arts (specifically graphic design), and a bit of business/marketing. I know they are all completely different things but still. My weaknesses however are math and some areas of science.

[Wondergirl]

Many Aspies (persons with Asperger's) do drive. My husband is one of them. My son is too rattled by all the stimuli -- cars going this way and that way, plus watching out for pedestrians, etc. to handle driving. If we lived in a rural area, he probably would be fine with driving.

Have you considered any career possibilities with those interests in mind?

Perhaps your high school nurse's office would refer you to a psychiatrist who is experienced in diagnosing autism.

[cauliflower]

I haven't thought much about careers that I would like to do. I feel like I have lost motivation to do anything to be honest.
Also, seeing my school nurse again would be an option except I already graduated and can't go back in to my high school.

[Wondergirl]

Call her and ask for a referral.

Better yet, call an area public library and ask for the name, address, and phone number of a psychiatrist in your area who diagnoses autism. (We quickly learned the shrink has to be experienced in this and know what he's doing, or it's not a valid diagnosis for future funding possibilities.)

[cauliflower]

Ok, thank you so much! I will try and find a psychiatrist. Not sure how I can get there but maybe one of my mom's friends can help.

I do have one more question. If I have been diagnosed then colleges will take note of that right?

[Wondergirl]

Ok, thank you so much! I will try and find a psychiatrist. Not sure how I can get there but maybe one of my mom's friends can help.

And if you're not on the autism spectrum, a good psychiatrist will be able to figure out what's going on.

I do have one more question. If I have been diagnosed then colleges will take note of that right?

Yes, they will. Tutoring would certainly be a possibility. And continuous counseling.

You will probably be eligible for SSI. And find out about financial help with tuition and room and board.