[tamih62873]

I married my husband 6 years ago when he was in the military. We do love each other and rarely argue. The thing I am having a hard time dealing with is he is so much different than when I married him. When he was discharged from the military (honorably) he has become extremely irresponsible to the point he has lost job after job, lied to me, borrowed money from various sources to cover up his job losses, etc.
Right now he is making very little money but he is content living week to week. He smokes about $60.00 worth of cigarettes every week and won't hear of quitting (it's not an option). I smoke too, (3packs per week) so I can't be a hypocrate but I am trying to get us to quit together.
I have tried talking him into looking for a better paying career rather than low paying job he has, he doesn't want to because his job is easy. He just has no motivation at all to do better. I have become a parent figure to him rather than a wife. I have had to give him an allowance of 60.00/week so that he didn't smoke up all our grociery money, which has happened before the allowance.
I handle all of the finances in the relationship, if it were up to him, we wouldn't survive. I know I can't change the way he is, and wouldn't want to. I just don't think I can deal with it.
All he does at home is play computer games, and rarely helps around the house. When he was in the military he was responsible and honest but now I'm thinking it was because he was forced to be. What would you do??

[jeezey]

I'd stick to the vows I made. "For better or worse" you got to find a way to really get to him and show him how you're feeling. Do you attend a church? If so maybe there's a marriage ministry there, and if you don't some will surely take you in. If this isn't your style, try asking one of your male family members to talk to your husband, or someone else you trust. Have you tried honestly sitting down with him and telling him exactly how u feel? If not, I'd start there. But I don't think you should resort to leaving him. Maybe he's just going through some rough psychological problems now he's not in the service and needs help getting on his feet in a different type of atmosphere. Best of luck to u in whatever you choose.

[tamih62873]

I appreciate your advice! I have talked with him, as well as (calmly) threatened divorce. This is the way he is, I just didn't realize that when we married. I did talk to his father a coulple years ago, who confessed that they (his parents) were the ones who got him to join the military because they were having similar problems with him at their house and growing up.
I don't want to divorce, I understand my vows and really want to stand by them. But the selfish side of me also wants to be more financially secure and provide more for my kids. (we also have a 3 year old together who we both adore). But I feel he is holding us back... and really doesn't care that he is. I have not tried a family counselor at all because, again, I know this kind of personality can't be changed at his age (he is 34).

[Jake2008]

I don't think there is any age limit to changing. Just because he is 34, does not get him off the hook for being responsible to address the problems in the marriage.

He may not be motivated to find a better paying job, but that is a moot point, he has a family to help support, and he's not pulling his weight. He may wish to spend all his time playing video games, but that has to change too. He's an adult, and it's time he put his big boy pants on and step up.

There is a degree of disrespect here I think, in that you feel you are more of a mother to him than a partner. He needs to change that perception and see you as more than just another mother. His parents told you honestly that he was like this before he joined up, and now he's back in the same position, only with you as the parent instead of them.

He is able bodied, self aware, and old enough to have some idea that he is clearly not pulling his weight. The relationship is growing further distant, and resentment will build until you finally say you've had enough. It just isn't going anywhere.

Even if he attends counselling long enough to hear you speak, and have to listen, really listen, to how his behaviour (and lack of), affects you and your relationship, he may draw upon the self discipline you know he has from being in the service, to turn things around.

If he's dug his heels in even after realizing what is at stake, then in my opinion, you have to either take him 'as is', or move on to greener pastures.

[tamih62873]

Jake2008, thank you for such an insightful response. You write like a professional! Everything you said makes so much sense.
I feel kind of silly asking such a life-altering question to a website where people I don't even know respond and give opinions and advise, but I find that impartial people are the best to ask.
Not that I will base such a decision on responses I get, but it always helps.
This is why I am so torn on whether to take him "as-is" or move on. First of all, reading some of the other people's problems make mine seem petty. Sometimes I say to myself "Well at least he isn't a cheater, alcoholic, or abusive. I have a hard time believing there are greener pastures out there. That is what makes me stay.
My problem is, I have lost a lot of respect for him as a husband. Sometimes I just can't stand to look at him. That is what makes me want to leave.
Anyway, I really appreciate you both taking the time to give me someone else's insight. I think I will sit with him this weekend and try to work together on some long term goals and see how it goes! :)

[Jake2008]

Tami, you are most welcome.

You sound like a very sensible and intelligent person to me, and maybe all you needed from us was confirmation that you're not imagining things, or that your impressions may not be what they seem.

It is a good perspective, when you can expand it to accept other's opinions and suggestions, and even better when that advice and opinion gives you a bit more confidence to come up with your own plan.

I am happy that you are going to sit down with him, and just talk. So many things are solved by just getting it out there, and mulling it all over. He may just surprise you.

And it doesn't matter what the problem is. That this is important to you, is all that matters.

Best of luck to you.

[88sunflower]

Never feel you can't talk to strangers. You came here and now we are friends. I think you might find yourself sticking around here awhile. There are a great bunch of people here. Some lay it on the line and some sugar coat. But you will always walk away with a new out look on things.

On that note, if he was in the military how could he be so mature and disciplined at those times? Is it slightly possible he is having a hard time adjusting to civilian life again? I am guessing that's not it since he was like this before he went in but its an idea.

At 34 he can change. At any age he can change. The key is he has to want to change. You need to talk with him openly like you have us and see where it goes. It's a constant battle and you both need to work at it and you will see there is light at the end of the tunnel. He needs to man up for you and your child.

[Wondergirl]

Is there a household project that the two of you can work on together this weekend? I've found that my husband and I have the best relationship when we're painting something or wallpapering a room or even cooking something (I chop and combine ingredients at the table, and he stands and stirs them together in a pot on the stove). Or what about working on a jigsaw puzzle set up in a place where the child can't get to it and where it doesn't have to be moved until it's finished? And even sit with him while he's playing one of his video games (maybe you can play too?), thus sharing instead of damning one of his hobbies.

Playing video games and using the computer are extremely addictive (maybe worse than cigarettes!). Yes, he's 34 now, and you aren't his mommy.

[88sunflower]

I guess one way to look at it is don't leave him until you have exhausted all your resources. Counseling, church, working on it yourself, compromising or whatever it takes to make it work and make him see what changes need to be made.

[talaniman]

Counseling can help him at any age, and I suspect he does well in a structured disciplined environment, since he did well in the army. I am surprised he didn't seek that as a career.

I think you push hard for the counseling, and let him know that you will use your only leverage, leaving him, or I am afraid he will never be motivated to change.