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m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 01:32 PM

My wife recently has developed a lot of outside interests, mainly further education conducted on-line. I have been supportive of this. She has been on a particular educational site and forum for nine months (of a twelve month online course). Recently she took on additional study with other providers and was finding it difficult to have the time to participate on this original site, but was still popping on and leaving comments. I also have an interest in this subject and it was my experience of it that spurred her initial interest.

Whilst browsing online, I visited this site as a guest and read some of her posts which were solely about the course, I thought nothing off it- even forgetting about the visit- it was about 2 1/2 months ago. I never thought to tell my wife that I had been on "her" site.

Three weeks ago our relationship developed a distinctly "frosty" feel and I noticed that she no longer discussed what she was doing- we used to talk about how the study was developing. Two weeks ago she accused me of being on "her" website - I initially denied it because I had genuinely forgotten the (one) visit, and she stated that because I had been there she could no longer continue on the course. This has upset her greatly. Subsequently although on the surface all seems well - we are civil and polite to each other but there is a distance and coldness between us that she will not acknowledge.

I have suggested that she return to the site and forum but she refuses.

I feel guilty and responsible that I affected her in this way

tickle · Dec 9, 2009, 01:48 PM

I guess she views it as an Invasion into her 'personal space' when in fact it is not, (it is just an on line site for course material as I imagine), but as you guys always say, it is difficult to figure out how our minds work when actually it is quite basic.

What I can't understand is, if this was an on-line course and she was participating, was this a member discussion group that you intervened with ?
If so, just tell her to get over it, distract her, this was a silly excuse for a confrontation. If it was a course, then surely she can just put aside her differences and continue on.

ms. tickle

m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 02:09 PM

I didn't post any comment - there were forums that she had posted on - I read a few comments and left the site- the forums allowed guests view but not post - but recorded all who were on the site and who had read what and when.

artlady · Dec 9, 2009, 02:20 PM

What a silly reason to argue.
If she did not want you there she could have told you.
If she felt you were snooping ,explain that you were not.
Apologize for any unintended line you crossed and tell her that when these little rifts become bigger than they should be ,the foundation of your marriage suffers ,needlessly!
Sounds rather childish if you ask me.

talaniman · Dec 9, 2009, 02:33 PM

Do I understand that she is still mad after 3 weeks?

Punish yourself by sleeping on the couch. That's a long time over nothing. Has she always been this way?

m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 02:49 PM

Not mad but"hurt" I think its childish.. but I also think that she's punishing me by withdrawing from something that meant a lot to her.

When she makes a decision it is usually absolute- she will not change her mind and reconsider-even to the extent that ultimately she suffers

Cat1864 · Dec 9, 2009, 03:41 PM

Three weeks ago, things got 'frosty'.
Two weeks ago, she accused you of being on "her" website. You denied it. For how long? Was this one 'argument' or multiple 'arguments'?

Did she bring up the 'accusation' out of the blue or were you in the middle of a discussion (argument) about concerns over the coolness you were feeling? Is that the reason she gave for not being warmer?

I think there is something more going on than either you have told us or you know. Is she feeling a lot of pressure from taking more than just the one course? Could this be an excuse to drop something that is stressing her? Were you (the couple) having personal/couple time issues before this?

m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 03:56 PM

I denied it for a couple of hours- it was the next day when I remembered / realised what she was talking about. Three weeks ago I knew something was bothering her about the course- I asked what it was but she wouldn't expand- but I knew she was upset - angry - annoyed.

It was on a night out that she made the "accusation".

Yes she is stressed by the amount of work she has signed up for- she doesn't have a lot of self confidence but is doing very well in her grades - the studies shouldn't take up as much time as it does, but now takes up most of the time - we worked together in our business (her suggestion) so she can work on her submissions- she has also taken up volunteering for a local charity.

m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 03:59 PM

Lost this in above

"we worked together in our business but I have hired someone to cover her time (her suggestion) so she can work on her submissions

tickle · Dec 9, 2009, 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I think there is something more going on than either you have told us or you know. Is she feeling a lot of pressure from taking more than just the one course? Could this be an excuse to drop something that is stressing her? Were you (the couple) having personal/couple time issues before this?

Good point, cat. We usually find out that there is more to a situation then is explained by the OP in original post. I think you have hit the nail on the head. There is a third party, otherwise why would she not want her hubby to visit the website? I got a hijnt of this too, when reading the original post. She is on there as a single person, no attachments. That would be uncomfortable should someone close read the posts.

Tick

Jake2008 · Dec 9, 2009, 04:04 PM

Here's a thought. What if she had been checking your online activity. She was suspicious or curious, or both, and did her own checking, never planning on mentioning it.

Then you do likewise, quite innocently, and deny it, then that leaves her thinking that you know that she's been into your stuff.

Thus the over-reaction.

Either that, or maybe if you had read her posts just a little bit longer, you may have found out something she didn't want you to know.

Ask her if she's ever snooped on your computer.

m_a1001 · Dec 9, 2009, 04:23 PM

I don't know think that there is anything "going on"-we've been together a long time- in that when I was there what I -Fleetingly-saw was totally above board

JudyKayTee · Dec 9, 2009, 08:19 PM

Originally Posted by m_a1001

I don't know think that there is anything "going on"-we've been together a long time- in that when I was there what I -Fleetingly-saw was totally above board

I think you just shot yourself in the foot - you were on briefly but long enough and in enough depth to determine that what you saw, however fleetingly, was "totally above board." I'm an investigator; I think like an investigator; this is a red flag.

I would be MORE upset with you than your wife is - if my partner wants to know what's going on he asks me. And I do the same. I have NEVER gone on a Board where he posts; he has never gone on a Board where I post; I have never read anything he's posted on line (question or answer); he has never read anything I've posted.

I still don't understand why you were on "her" site without her knowledge - and then denied it because you "forgot."

Just Dahlia · Dec 9, 2009, 09:24 PM

This sounds like a controlling situation to me, unless you are not telling us everything. I just know how I would feel in the same situation.:(

She is upset about you checking up on her, no matter what your excuse is:rolleyes: people and spouses need privacy. If you wanted to know, you ask. I'm sure she would be happy to tell you, but to go behind her back (even if you forgot) is not right. It makes it look like you were checking up on her for some reason.

m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 11:10 AM

I totally accept that I have intruded on her privacy but I just didn't think- there is no way that I have gone on the site if I had even thought that this would be the response. I had forgotten as it was only a very quick visit some months ago and I spend a lot of time online (my work). No harm was meant even if that is not how it appears. My comment of everything "above board" was in response to a previous poster. I have never had reason not to trust my wife and did not think that there was or is anything more to this site than what it is - an online study forum- What I cannot understand is why she will not continue- I would like her to finish but she alludes to more than she says- she will say "you know what you did" - on the site - but I honestly have no idea about what she means- when I suggested calling it up - and she really freaked out-she refuses to expand or say what she means- I think that I am either being accused of something I didn't do (other than going online as a guest and not saying) or that there is an overreaction here- this is getting serious.

Jake2008 · Dec 10, 2009, 11:35 AM

Maybe she is just looking for an excuse not to finish the course for whatever reason, and you gave it to her.

m_a1001 · Dec 10, 2009, 11:44 AM

Don't think so- being told that "I took something special from her" -that I betrayed her trust -etc- I can't undrstand the scale of the reaction.. I am coming to think that there must be more to it..

Jake2008 · Dec 10, 2009, 11:50 AM

Just re-reading your original post. How did she come to find out that you had been on 'her' site in the first place.

JudyKayTee · Dec 10, 2009, 12:17 PM

I think all of this could be the result of any one of several things - this is simply the last straw for her in your relationship; something is/was going on and now she's embarrassed and afraid you'll find out; she wants to quit school and this is an excuse; you are very controlling and she is tired of it (which may be part of simply being fed up).

I don't think it's over reacting if a person is honestly and legitimately upset. "We" only know your side of things, of course.

I would sit her down and ask her - she knows what the problem is.

tickle · Dec 10, 2009, 12:18 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Just re-reading your original post. How did she come to find out that you had been on 'her' site in the first place.

Yes, I think I asked that too, didn't get an answer. OP couldn't go on with his name, so wonder how she knew ?

Tick