[MizzLizz]

I am in need of advice. I have been married for 3 years but now I feel like its all falling apart. Sometimes I feel like I don't even love my husband anymore. We fight constantly about every little thing. I'm fed up with having to do everything in this relationship. I have to pull double shifts just to make ends meet. My husband lost his job about a year ago and hasn't gotten a new one yet. It's not that he can't find one, it's that he simply won't. My husband doesn't do anything that I ask him to do. Even getting to take our dog out while I'm at work is a huge battle. After I get home from working a 12 hour shift, I still have to take care of all the household responsibilities, like cooking and laundry and the like. Even though he is home all day long, he doesn't do the simplest chores, even if I leave lists or notes or call and remind him. The worst part is, I can't get mad at him for anything, or talk to him about our problems without getting an hour or so lecture about how I'm a horrible, selfish person. My husband hasn't always been like this, but I don't know how to get him to go back to being the man I fell in love with 8 years ago. I know that I said "for better or worse" but I don't know how much of the worse I can take. I welcome and advice, suggestions and payers.

[Gemini54]

I guess the first thing I would say, is stop doing everything.

I would suggest that you NOT do things for him – laundry, cooking, walking the dog – just tell him that YOU'RE dog tired and if he wants cooked food, clean clothes and a happy dog he'll have to do it himself. Many men dig their heels in if they feel defensive or nagged (although it does sound as if you have more than good reason to nag him!), so I would also suggest that you back off getting him to do things for a while.

The second thing I would suggest is stop arguing with him. Bite your tongue if you have to! When you argue with him he makes it all your fault and lectures you, so don't do it. Until you can maintain a reasonable conversation with him, perfect the 'yes dear' approach and don't nag, berate, accuse or confront him.

The unemployment is one issue, but the issue that really troubles me is that he thinks it's OK for you to do everything, while he does nothing. It's not sustainable for any relationship to survive with such lack of reciprocity, and I wonder what is in his head. Is it possible for you to talk like REASONABLE adults and for you to get a sense of what is really going on?

The third thing I would suggest is start talking – it sounds as if he's gone 'off-line' since he lost his job, is he depressed? Has he lost confidence? Why is he suddenly accusing you of being horrible and selfish – is it simply defensiveness? Is it possible for him to open up to you again?

The dynamic between you needs to change if there are to be any positive changes in you marriage – I'm sure that the person you married is still in there somewhere, you just need to let him get out again. Perhaps changing the way you approach the things that are making you angry might help.

Good luck!

[Jake2008]

It sounds like he's in a rut, and the only way out is to be employed again.

While you may think, and rightly so, that he should be doing more because he is at home, the fact that he can't even do simple things like walk the dog, makes me think he's probably depressed and stuck.

If he is digging in his heels and not wishing to try any longer, you may need to mediate some consequences to that. This cannot go on forever. If talking leads to arguing as you said, followed by a lecture, then go about it a different way.

Write him a letter, tell him in the letter, what you expect, what you will accept, won't accept, and for how long. Clearly state that you will do everything in your power to help him, including going to marriage counselling, job retraining, online courses, etc. Anything, as long as he shows some initiative to help himself.

Changes have to come from him, obviously. But that doesn't mean that you have to put up with this until the end of time either.

[Devorameira]

I guess the first thing I would say, is stop doing everything.

I would suggest that you NOT do things for him – laundry, cooking, walking the dog – just tell him that YOU’RE dog tired and if he wants cooked food, clean clothes and a happy dog he’ll have to do it himself. Many men dig their heels in if they feel defensive or nagged (although it does sound as if you have more than good reason to nag him!), so I would also suggest that you back off getting him to do things for a while.

The second thing I would suggest is stop arguing with him. Bite your tongue if you have to! When you argue with him he makes it all your fault and lectures you, so don’t do it. Until you can maintain a reasonable conversation with him, perfect the ‘yes dear’ approach and don’t nag, berate, accuse or confront him.

The unemployment is one issue, but the issue that really troubles me is that he thinks it’s OK for you to do everything, while he does nothing. It’s not sustainable for any relationship to survive with such lack of reciprocity, and I wonder what is in his head. Is it possible for you to talk like REASONABLE adults and for you to get a sense of what is really going on?

The third thing I would suggest is start talking – it sounds as if he’s gone ‘off-line’ since he lost his job, is he depressed? Has he lost confidence? Why is he suddenly accusing you of being horrible and selfish – is it simply defensiveness? Is it possible for him to open up to you again?

The dynamic between you needs to change if there are to be any positive changes in you marriage – I’m sure that the person you married is still in there somewhere, you just need to let him get out again. Perhaps changing the way you approach the things that are making you angry might help.

Good luck!

Gemini54 has some really great advice. It's not okay that you work your backside off while he lays around! It's not okay that you work and he doesn't! You deserve better.

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"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck

[SVImager]

Establish communication... no emotionally charged button pushing talk... just lovingly talk to each other.

So you do a "dyad".
Sit across from each other face to face and holding each others hands.
One person goes first... Talking about his/her feelings and how the situation makes them feel. Cannot say "you never" or "you always"... just your feelings on how the situation makes you feel. "I feel very tired when I get home and see the house needs cleaning again. I feel hopelessly alone in doing all the task. I need a Man to standup and be a Team with me to do the things that needs to be done."

The Other person CANNOT say anything NOR try to solve the problem... BUT JUST LISTEN and say "yes" and positive affirmation.

Than it is the second person's turn.
I would say approx. 2 minutes per person.
Can not offend the other person and cannot defend yourself when you are just listening.

I would seek a counselor if you guys cannot open communications in this time of need and hopelessness. It is just going to spiral till you guys grow together. Otherwise, this spiraling will eventually lead to divorce... Just doing the Math... I hope for the best for you.