[Sweet Fire]

I have been married for 35 years to a man I met when I was 17 years old.

We have had a reasonable good marriage, with the normal ups and downs.
The past 4 years has been quite rocky and I have not been happy in the relationship, but have stayed with my husband, and have tried my best to make the marriage work.
We are both successful business people. We have set a lot of goals for ourselves and have achieved those by working long hours. We live in a beautiful house, and have financial security.

38 Years ago when I was 14 , I met an amazing guy. (he was 17 at the time) We were first lovers.

He finished school and had to leave for the army. I moved away, and we lost touch.

I never forgot this guy. I have often thought about him.
In 1983 I read a magazine article about him - he was honored as one of the youngest, most successful business men in the country. To this day I still have that magazine.

One year ago, we reconnected . (on an internet website)
He now lives in another country(for the past 19 years).
He has also been married for 34 years and has two children (both married).
He has also been unhappy in his marriage the past 3 years.

We decided to meet again. He visited me a year ago and we were reunited after 38 years. The first time we saw each other after 38 years, it felt like nothing had changed -
We are older, yes, but our love and feelings for each other were as strong if not stronger than before!

We spend three weeks together, and realized that we were still deeply in love with each other. Before he returned home, we decided that we want to be together again, as we want to spend our remaining years happy and in love and grow old together!

My lover started divorce proceedings, and is now divorced. He moved into a small apartment and asked me to arrange my divorce and move in with him asap.

My lover lost a great deal of money about 3 years ago and has since been battling to recover financially, with the result that he does not own anything.

Despite this, I decided to move in with him.
I realized that if I moved in with him - I would have to leave my country, start a new life, with no financial security, and would have to start from scratch.
We both literally moved in with just our clothes. No furniture, nothing.
I decided love and happiness was more important and that I wanted to follow my heart.

Since I have moved in with him, things have been very tough. I have had to go out and work. He works from home, on a consulting basis, and we somehow manage.
Life is very different in the new country, and it has been a huge adjustment. I have tried my best to make things work, and have adjusted well.

During my stay with my lover, my husband kept contact with me.
He has asked me to reconsider and return to him, and to give our marriage a second chance.

Although I am deeply in love with my childhood sweetheart, I felt torn and tormented by feelings of guilt, of not keeping my marriage vows and staying with my husband, although I am not in love with him, I do care for him.

I have subsequently returned to my husband, which has devastated my lover.
I am not happy being back with my husband, as much as I try and make the marriage work. My heart is with my lover. My husband knows how I feel.

My lover is begging me to return.

My heart tells me to be with him - I pine for him - we pine for each other - it is a living hell.

I am torn between:

a) my marriage, my present financial security, the stability of my husband, but no love from my side (basically a loveless marriage - as my husband is not a loving person)

Or

b) my deep love for my lover, our love for each other, our compatibility in every sense, a life of financial insecurity, not knowing how we will survive or cope financially, but full of love and happiness.

I realize NO ONE can tell me what to do, this is a decision only I can make.

The reason I am writing is that I believe an outsiders view and input might put a clearer perspective on the issue for me.

[bigblack]

Stop being a flake and make up your flippin mind. I mean that in all sincerity. You could choose to be with your husband and be financially secure and love your life/mate... or you could choose to be with your lover and be financially insecure and love your life/mate. Just make up your mind and go with that instead of leading two men into breaking up their families while you make up your mind. Sorry, you are too experienced in life to keep that up and I think you know it.

But if you would just back up and read your own response, you've already answered your own question... you chose to return to your husband who provides the security you've become accustomed to. Accept that and CHOOSE to love your (ex)husband. I don't think it's fair for you to describe him as 'unloving' when he's trying to get you back after betraying his trust in one another. "If you can't be with the one you love, baby, love the one you're with".

[Jake2008]

Sweet, you are in a tough place, and one that most of us have thought about- what would happen if that first love came along into our lives again.

Seems that the timing of all of this was really coincidental. Your lover in a bad relationship (that he would likely have left anyway- it was his call to make, not yours), and your marriage in a rut, as so many long term marriages get. I can see how easily this came about.

Your feelings were very strong, and you sought out love over all else, and went with the lover. With you having been a successful business woman all your life, I think that even if you had stayed, it would have been a very hard life without a solid income, and the struggle would never have resulted in what you worked so hard for, with your husband during three decades with him.

Money problems would soon have overcome you, as the lifestyle would soon see the bloom off the rose so to speak, and reality set in. Being with your lover, I think, would have eventually left you wondering what the h*ll were you thinking. By then, it would have been too late.

That your husband worked hard to get you back, says a lot about him. That you didn't blame him for you leaving, also says a lot about you.

So you are left with wanting a dream with your lover, and that is pretty much a situation that will having you wake up to reality, and regretting your actions.

And, what if your husband weren't willing to take you back. You would be in a place called 'nowhere', and would have lost everything you worked so hard to establish all those years.

My best advice to you is to try to see the reality in this situation. Try not to draw such a hard line between financial security (husband), and love (lover). You could have both with your husband, but never with your lover.

Try to put the past in the past. It wasn't a mistake to follow your heart, you rekindled a lost love, and have a broken heart in return. You're human, and maybe now is the time to think of putting your lover aside, realize that you've lived that dream, and it's over now.

Your husband may not show a lot of affection, but obviously it is there, along with other characteristics that have kept you two together for 35 years. Not too many people realize just what it takes to make a relationship work over three decades, when a marriage by some, is defined by months!

When you work through the feelings for your lover, with time, it will become a memory. A sweet one, yes, but a memory of an event in your life that has not seen you give up your husband, or your lifestyle with him.

For good measure, try marriage counselling. See if the two of you can't work through this together, and come out the other end stronger.

I wish you all the best, and a happy future with your husband.

[bigblack]

Sweet, you are in a tough place, and one that most of us have thought about- what would happen if that first love came along into our lives again.

Seems that the timing of all of this was really coincidental. Your lover in a bad relationship (that he would likely have left anyway- it was his call to make, not yours), and your marriage in a rut, as so many long term marriages get. I can see how easily this came about.

Your feelings were very strong, and you sought out love over all else, and went with the lover. With you having been a successful business woman all your life, I think that even if you had stayed, it would have been a very hard life without a solid income, and the struggle would never have resulted in what you worked so hard for, with your husband during three decades with him.

Money problems would soon have overcome you, as the lifestyle would soon see the bloom off the rose so to speak, and reality set in. Being with your lover, I think, would have eventually left you wondering what the h*ll were you thinking. By then, it would have been too late.

That your husband worked hard to get you back, says a lot about him. That you didn't blame him for you leaving, also says a lot about you.

So you are left with wanting a dream with your lover, and that is pretty much a situation that will having you wake up to reality, and regretting your actions.

And, what if your husband weren't willing to take you back. You would be in a place called 'nowhere', and would have lost everything you worked so hard to establish all those years.

My best advice to you is to try to see the reality in this situation. Try not to draw such a hard line between financial security (husband), and love (lover). You could have both with your husband, but never with your lover.

Try to put the past in the past. It wasn't a mistake to follow your heart, you rekindled a lost love, and have a broken heart in return. You're human, and maybe now is the time to think of putting your lover aside, realize that you've lived that dream, and it's over now.

Your husband may not show a lot of affection, but obviously it is there, along with other characteristics that have kept you two together for 35 years. Not too many people realize just what it takes to make a relationship work over three decades, when a marriage by some, is defined by months!

When you work through the feelings for your lover, wtih time, it will become a memory. A sweet one, yes, but a memory of an event in your life that has not seen you give up your husband, or your lifestyle with him.

For good measure, try marriage counselling. See if the two of you can't work through this together, and come out the other end stronger.

I wish you all the best, and a happy future with your husband.

Awesome answer Jake, very paitent and non-judgemental... Sweet... I hope you can read something into this response. You can be happy, if you chose to be. My best, BigBlack.

[NorseThor]

Well it sound like you want your cake and ice cream to. In a healthy marriage, you will get about 80% of your need, but that 20% you are not getting will be unhappy for you. You have decided what is important to you and end it once and for all with one of them. Going back and forth is very selfish and you need to close one of the books. You can't read two book at once. People always think that being in love is only reason to be together, but you have look at the big picture and determine which one will give you future stability.

Thor

[Gemini54]

My opinion for what it's worth - choose love. Love has the capacity to overcome all sorts of obstacles, including money.

I can tell you now, I'd rather be poor and happy in a loving relationship than rich and miserable in a loveless relationship.

In any case, as you already know, the decision is yours to make. Only now, once you make it - stick to your decision and accept that sometimes you can't have 'your cake and ice cream too.'

Your challenge is to accept that the potential for happiness exists but that you need to let go of something in order to do so - whether it be love or money.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well love would be great if this could be love, but it isn't, it may be lust or even a memory of lust, he is not that same boy and you are not.

A fling or a dream is one thing, making it work living day to day. So are you willig for the new love to stop business, stop working all the long hours, and is he willing to do the same?

If you are for the new love, why not for the husband

[bigblack]

well love would be great if this could be love, but it isn't, it may be lust or even a memory of lust, he is not that same boy and you are not.

A fling or a dream is one thing, making it work living day to day. So are you willig for the new love to stop business, stop working all the long hours, and is he willing to do the same ??

If you are for the new love, why not for the husband

I agree with Fr Chuck...

[SVImager]

well love would be great if this could be love, but it isn't, it may be lust or even a memory of lust, he is not that same boy and you are not.

A fling or a dream is one thing, making it work living day to day. So are you willig for the new love to stop business, stop working all the long hours, and is he willing to do the same ??

If you are for the new love, why not for the husband

HAHA... I agree with you too.

"Follow your Heart"... "Choose Love"... That is a bunch of Disney Hollywood Movie BS.
With your wisdom, you should know better.
You can Love anybody and your Heart (emotions) will betray you.

What about the other things that are immeasurable... like being able to have the same feelings and memories of your kids and grandkids and the past 35 years of experiences together. Those are the things your Lover will not have and probably can't stand the test of time either... since he divorced his wife too.

Either way Good Luck... You know what you are doing... I hope everything goes as you have expected.