[confuzzed]

Hi,
I have been really confused recently and was hoping that somebody would be able to give me some advice. I've been married for 2 years but have been with my husband for 10 years. He was my first serious boyfriend and first person that I slept with. My husband is a good man and he is very much in love with me. In fact, you can say that his whole life is devoted to me and I am the most important thing to him. I on the other hand don't feel the same way about him. I have known all along that my feelings towards him were not as strong as his towards me but I thought that was just 'me' and that I wasn't capable of being 'in love' with somebody on a deep and meaningful level. I married him because I thought it was the 'sensible' and 'expected' thing to do, because we've been together for so long, because he was a good man, because our friends and families 'expected' us to get married, because my biological clock was ticking (I'm 31 now) and I wanted to have children and knew he would be a great father etc etc. I never really questioned the nature of our relationship until recently.
Things got abit complicated when I became very close to a male colleague at work. We've known each other for 3 years and was always very good friends. But one night when I saw him speak to another girl, I found myself becoming very upset and jealous and when I questioned why I was feeling like that, I realised that it was because I had feelings for him. I later discovered that he also had feelings for me and has done so for a long time but never told me because he felt it was inappropriate seeing that I was in a relationship. Needless to say, the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together. It was never supposed to happen again but of course that is easier said than done. We ended up having a brief affair.
Anyway, I decided to end the affair and quit that job to try and make my relationship with my husband work. I felt that I owed it to him to give our marriage a proper go. I haven't seen this other guy although we speak online from time to time. My problem now is that I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I think about him ALL THE TIME and I find myself wishing that I was with him. Things with my husband hasn't really changed. I mean he's still good to me and loves me dearly but my feelings towards him hasn't changed. I just can't seem to reciprocate the feelings and I think this makes him more clingy which makes me feel suffocated. I have come to realise that I am not 'in love' with my husband and probably have never been. I mean I care for him but all I feel is responsibility and obligation. On the other hand, this other guy makes me feel alive and excited, and when I'm with him, I feel passion and intimacy. I'm really in a quandry as to what to do. My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I really don't want to hurt my husband because I know he would be completely heart broken if I left him. He is oblivious to our problems and thinks everything is fine. I would value your advice.

[jamiepie]

Your in a hard situation, but let me just say this from personal experience, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Remember that. What your feeling now is that "want" of something that you can't have, technically anyway right now. We always do that. Just remember that there really isn't that many good guys left out there, so if you got you a good one maybe you guys can go to some counseling and try to rekindle the romance. Good luck to you. Just remember you only live life once, so you got to be happy yourself.

[MsMewiththat]

Not fair to say that there aren't many good men out there... there are plenty. Otherwise what she has written is somewhat true. I would also add that you need to tell your husand and work through his feelings on what you have done. I would be willing to bet that when you are faced with losing your husband and your security that you have you will realize what you have in him and how much you love him too. Don't throw it all away out of boredom. Dig deeper than that.The qualities that you posted about your husband are good reasons to love him, but I bet there was more. Find it again and learn to have what you desire out of your husband.

[Gemini54]

This is the conservative response, but I believe you owe it to your husband to work through things. You acted with integrity when you decided to end the affair and work on your marriage. But you can't work on your marriage in isolation. You need to include your husband as well.

Good marriages are based on good communication. Although he's a good man and you don't want to hurt him, how can your marriage grow and progress unless you involve him in that process?

It seems as if you've excluded him from sharing in your feelings and have sought to share those feelings of intimacy and passion with someone else. Effectively you've cheated on and disempowered your husband and have thus denied him the opportunity to connect with you meaningfully in your relationship. It does sound as if he needs a wake up call, but who knows what he may be willing to do to save your marriage when he knows that it's at threat.

I understand that you are thinking about your affair because it opened up passion and intimacy to you. But affairs are exciting because they are illicit and they are not real life.

You owe your husband your loyalty and your love - let him know what you're thinking, what you've been doing and give him the chance to prove his loyalty and love.

His response and the outcome will be the deciding factors regarding whether you stay or leave.

[artlady]

Go on.Do yourself both a favor by being honest.
You love him enough to respect him.
Respect you both.Tell the truth.Follow the real love.
Real love is never deceitful.
The truth will set you free,its true.
OR...
Dig deep and see if you can make things work,get that love back.

[Catsmine]

You mentioned wanting to have children. Do you? A third person in the family changes the equation.

I'll not bring up the matter of vows and integrity, those are already out the window (there's the harsh side of the conservative response) but do you have any other commitments to this situation? Finances are easy, in-laws somewhat easy, common property complicated but fairly straightforward, but who gets the dog?

If you're going to give up on this relationship, it's best to do it when it will hurt the least number.

[Jake2008]

I find it interesting that your husband is a great guy, loves you dearly, has done nothing wrong, yet, the best you can do for a defense to cheating on him is either you didn't love him the same way he loved you when you married him, or you feel smothered by him.

Somehow that justifies the affair?

Let's take the fact that your husband has remained loyal and has not done anything to make you do, think, or behave in the way you have, out of the picture here for a moment.

What you did was wrong, and you know it. That you allowed yourself to act upon feelings you had for another man, was calculated, planned, deliberate, secret, and self-serving. You were selfish, self centered, acting solely on the thrill of being with this other man, and in the end, you do the dirty, then you start to put the blame or reason for it on your husband.

You had many, many opportunities to stop yourself, and there were also opportunities to seek counselling, talk it out with a friend (or your husband, but that would be a stretch), quit the job before you had the affair, distance yourself from him at work, not engage in conversations, etc.

That you chose to cheat on your husband is what it is. You are no different than many millions of others who think they somehow 'deserve' passion and excitement in their lives, at the expense of somebody else, namely your husband.

Love and lasting relationships are not at the expense of affairs. The excitement and passion fades, reality sets in, and usually what wasn't in the cards to end (your marriage) is suddenly on the chopping block.

You have forced a miserable situation on your husband because you couldn't control yourself.

The consequences of which, are your own. I hope your husband does find out, and his love for you will be put under a microscope, because to give your all and love somebody so completely, while not realizing they have cheated, is very unfair to him. HE needs the opportunity to figure out if he wishes to remain married to you, not the other way around.

While you paint yourself to be some sort of honourable person by ending the affair, and quitting your job to work on your marriage, that does nothing to excuse the fact that you should have been working on your marriage before you had the affair.

In my opinion, your husband can do much better.

[SVImager]

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and two years ago she cheated on me with my friend/neighbor.

You already slipped on the slippery edge (cheated).
So you have sinned. The Path of Sin is Pain.

I am telling you it is painful.
Often, my wife would tell me she wished she had never cheated on me or gone down that road. Because it only hurt herself and me.

My father-in-law told me:
Love in the beginning of a relation is exciting and lustful, etc.
Love changes to something else... that excitement love may not last through a lifetime because that new-ness is not new anymore nor will it ever. It will be replace by something different and much more enduring. And than it will be some other type of love... All I can say is watch the "Notebook". Your husband will be the LOVE that stays and endures.

[SVImager]

But than again... you have no kids.

And you need to find out the hard way, otherwise you won't appreciate it.

Don't Cheat again. Be Fair to your Husband, because he is willing to give his life for you. Talk with him the possibility of a divorce and give him that speech "It is not you, it is me."

Maybe he will decide to change or maybe he feels the same.
And get a separation with mutual agreement.

[s_cianci]

Well, just suppose you did leave your husband for this other guy. Where would you be in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Would you marry him? If you did, would that not make you "responsible and obligated" all over again? Being married entails "responsibility and obligation" whether you feel that you "love" your spouse or not. The point I'm trying to make is that while the grass may seem greener on the other side of the street now, you've got to realize that it isn't. Leaving your husband for this other guy who seems so 'wonderful" now would only set you up for a big letdown and the loss of, by your own admission, a good man.

[jmjoseph]

At no point in your post did you show remorse for cheating on your husband. The guy you cheated with "tried" to stop it because you were in a "relationship". You are not just in a "relationship", you are MARRIED. You now are a cheater. A cheater of the worst kind. One that thinks that she can do what you did, and keep it from your husband for life.

You owe him at least the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with you or not. It's not really YOUR decision anymore. You lost that particular privilege when you slept with another guy.

You just think that he adores you, and loves you. But he really doesn't know you now does he? He knows the woman who promised probably in a church, in front of GOD and witnesses, that she was going to remain true. You gave vows that obviously mean nothing to you.

So tell him what you did, and let HIM decide on what He wants to do.

I'll tell you what I would do. I would let "Mr Wonderful" have you.

I feel sorry for your husband. What did he do to deserve this?

His life revolves around you? No, his life revolves around a lie.

How can you not feel guilty as hell?

[Cat1864]

the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together.

That was not inevitable. As has been pointed out, you made a choice (an extremely bad choice). Now the inevitable gets to happen.

You get to tell your husband so that BOTH of you can get tested for STDs. You may think you know Mr. G. Grass, but you can't know everyone he has slept with.

Take responsibility for your actions or lack of them. Your husband has a right to know that he is nothing more to you than a safety net and possible sperm provider for creating a baby.

[SVImager]

My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I really don't want to hurt my husband because I know he would be completely heart broken if I left him. He is oblivious to our problems and thinks everything is fine. I would value your advice.

Ok here is the Christian Advice directly from the Bible:

"Your heart will betray you."


Unlike movies, believe in your heart.
Use your head.

The physical bonding from sex is real. It will pull you from the emotionally charge act, thus reserved only for married couple (suppose to be anyway). It is like natural endorphins (like a drug/cocaine) pumped directly into your brain. The excitement is real.

BUT in the long run, it will not stand the test of time like your husband's love for you.

If you do NOT tell him, the guilt will EAT you alive.
If you do Tell him, he might leave you or he might be able to show you how much he really LOVE you to share and endure the PAIN with you.

The Path of Sin is Pain.
Either way, that instant short term gratification will be a long term pain.
I am sorry... but that is the Path in front of you.



BTW, I don't know if you are Christian or not... but these are the things I learned that got me through and still going through after two years of the affair... but it is getting better.