[Ramesees]

The background to this(sorry about the length, hopefully puts in context though):

Married for 15 years, 2 kids.

We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them generally we lost touch with each other which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with ach other.

My wife, during the negative times started smoking (secretly), I estimate about 6 months ago, she won’t really tell me. I HATE smoking, don’t know why but I really detest it, always have, would never have married a smoker etc etc.

So during working out our relationship issues together, I found out about the smoking, found the evidence.

1st time I went off my head, totally wrong, shouted a lot, swore a lot (I don’t) and she said she would stop.

About 6 weeks later, I still suspected and raised very calmly, denied, a few days later raised very calmly again and she admitted she still was and would not stop, too stressed. I agreed to accept it (how good of me!! ), I am joking I know it sounds crap that I agreed etc, but I sought of decided if I was creating stress, harping on about smoking wouldn’t help, so I said my piece and completely backed off.

This has been quite successful, as I say we are getting on great, her stress levels are visibly down and she is happy and I am not obsessing on it (much).

The question:

My selfish hope through this is that she will decide to quit, her choice because I know I cannot make her. The reason I backed off was all about letting her find her way to quit.

Last night she fell asleep watching TV with me (something we couldn’t have done 3 months ago) and when she woke put a jacket on and went outside for a smoke. This really upset me, I hoped (and I actually sat and thought about it as she was asleep) that she would just go to bed when I woke her without a smoke. When she didn’t as I say I visibly got upset, after the smoke and when in bad she asked why, I then started spent 5 minutes explaining how upset I am, why she shouldn’t smoke, what the dangers are, how she might not see the kids grow up, why it was unfair to our daughter who has Cystic Fibrosis etc etc.

I feel bad this morning, but genuinely feel selfishly that I should not apologize, I gave her a hug this morning, told her I loved her and went to work. I can see though that it was on her mind.

What do I do, I can see that I am being selfish in a way, its her decision, but I can also see it sits beneath the surface for me and will keep coming up over time?

[redhed35]

Since you have both worked through your other issues,perhaps your wife needs a crutch so to speak.

There are so many products on the market to help quit, without pushing the issue, could you get some information for her on the products available, and offer them to her,nicely!

There only suggestions,but maybe one will appeal, dealing with a child with C.F, is difficult,and smoke sticks to your clothes,keeping the air free of toxins is vital to your child's lung function.

[sandalwood7]

I know how you feel... Powerless to stop someone's choice to smoke.

The unfortunate thing is that they have to make the decision to stop. Very frustrating as it is, the more you tell them you don't like it, the more they want to smoke.

From what I have learned about addiction the only constructive thing you can say is how their smoking makes you feel... i.e.. When you smoke I feel very upset. I feel worried that this is going to affect our child's health. Never attack the person and try to stay calm/not get angry. Reassure your wife that you love her. It is the smoking you have a problem with, not her.

The reason smokers don't like being told what to do are many fold: they enjoy their habit, It calms them down and makes them feel less anxious, they feel secretly guilty about their habit and telling them to stop reinforces these negative feelings, they think non-smokers don't understand, are killjoys, have a different perception of life which is focused on health and the long-term, rather than pleasure and the now.

When two people disagree on something like this and one person is not ready or willing to change, you might have to make compromises in the meantime... i.e. only smoke outside. Change clothes and have a shower after a smoke to limit your child's exposure to smoke. DAMAGE CONTROL.

It is frustrating for you but you need to stay supportive of your wife and continue to love her. With time she may move towars the next step and quit but you cannot force this. I don't think that smoking should be a deal breaker if she is willing to compromise somewhat as above. Successful relationships require understanding and compromise.

If you are overly worried about the health effects of smoking on your partner, I think you have reason to do so. But please realise that bad health can happen to anyone, regardless of their smoking status. We are all living a fragile life so to speak. Realising this can help cut down the worry, as it has done for me in the past. e.g. a car accident should probably be higher on the cards of worry than should cancer from smoking, even though smoking increases the risk of cancer. Its all about perspective.

I agree with Redhead, that keeping smoking away from your child with CF is very important. Even smoke on clothes is irritating to a child's lungs.

I really hope you can work through this. It is very testing and frustrating. You are doing well to recognise and talk about this issue.

[Gemini54]

As you are now finding out the hard way - you can't make another person do what you want. For whatever reason, she feels she needs to smoke and she won't look at other ways to relieve her stress. Perhaps she needs time to herself and this is the only way that she can find it. There is very little that you can do.

Your initial decision to back off was the right one. You have now stated your case, again, about how you feel. It's hard but you must try to accept that this is her choice - you mightn't like it, but you need to learn to accept it. In the meantime, investigate other ways that she can have 'down time' and ease the stress she must be feeling.

The real problem is not so much the smoking, but your response to it. You need to find ways to manage your own anger and distress over this issue and ensure that it doesn't become the proverbial 'elephant in the corner' in your relationship. Make an effort to focus on her needs rather than thinking about how much you hate her smoking.

There are some blessings I suppose - it could be a lot worse. She could be drinking a bottle of brandy a day or spending hours looking at dating sites on the computer! Sorry to be flippant.

[Alty]

Smoking, like alcohol, is an addiction. The person addicted will not stop until they are ready.

You can be upset, you can harp, nag and scream all you want, that won't change a thing.

She'll continue until she's ready to quit.

So, can you live with this or will you let it destroy what you worked so hard to build?

[Jake2008]

We have recently been through a few issues with the marriage and worked through them generally we lost touch with each other which led to lots of tension, dissatisfaction, upset and stress. We have worked this out over a few months and it hasn’t been this good in years, we seem happy, visibly, emotionally and do so much more with ach other.

It seems that, while you have quickly worked out your marriage problems, perhaps there are lingering resentments that makes you focus on her smoking so much.

If you are getting along so well, what's the deal with nagging her about her choice to smoke. She's smoking outside, she is not doing anything illegal, it is her problem, not yours, but only if it is a problem to her.

While, as you said, you would never had married "a smoker" (as in a lower social class identification way, rather than a 'person who smokes') you need to back off and let her come to her own decisions about quitting, cutting back, etc. No doubt she knows very clearly how you feel about people who smoke, and that you are disgusted by this. Your actions could very well be adding to her stress level, and she smokes because it gives her pleasure and alleviates stress. I can't read her mind, but people smoke, and smoke more, when they are stressed out.

It would be a good and healthier choice for her to quit, and hopefully she will choose to do that. But only when she is ready, and the stress of being pressured into quitting, is less stressful than the actual cessation of the act itself.

[talaniman]

You sound like my wife, making such a big deal out of my personal choice. Smokers may try very hard to quit, but sometimes it takes years to overcome the psychological addiction, and the physical cravings. She doesn't want to quit, so leave her alone as long as she removes herself from you and your kids, and washes her hands.

You can make this a big deal by obsessing over it, and cause a lot more stress, and tensions between you, or you can deal with your distaste for her habit, like you do her stinking farts.

Honestly, what if she told you about something you do that makes her want a cigarette really badly?

In loving marriages we let our partners have their faults, and deal with them in a positive manner.

(Candles in the bathroom helps too.)

[Cat1864]

If it were just you, I would leave it at back-off and don't pressure her.

However a sick child is involved. So, I am going to suggest a compromise. Since she smokes outside, it would be even more appropriate. Get her a smoking jacket. Just a light or heavy coat (depending on where you live) with a hood she can pull on when she goes outside for a smoke. That way she can limit the amount of smoke and such that gets on her clothing and in her hair.

As you already know, it has to be her choice to stop smoking. When she does, be ready to be supportive.

[Ramesees]

Background – Married 15 years, together 20, 2 kids 11&7

Synopsis:
Moved a year ago to new area(different country). Wife has become very good friends with a stay home dad. Our marriage has been through some tough times over the last year, but in last 3 months we have resolved most issues. During the tough times got a bit obsessed on the relationship with the stay home dad, to the point of accusing an affair.

That’s all behind us and we are great overall, genuinely I believe no affair, at least physically.

The problem is, even though I have no doubt over a physical affair, I do have concerns over the relationship and my wife’s lack of acknowledgement of my concerns.

First let me say, I know I shouldn’t have a problem, its my problem, I am jealous of the time she is with him and the special relationship that they have, they are best friends.

As a result, I have struggled with this a lot over recent months, I obsess in quiet, my strategy on this issue has been to try and be quiet, not commenting, keeping the peace over it. BUT I sometimes cannot say nothing and feel I shouldn't have to either. I am going to list a few examples of behavior, that I personally find concerning and genuinely look for a view on whether this is me solely or suggestions.

Ex 1 - I go out of town with a friend for an evening, stayed away, when I get back next day talk about each others evening, she fails to mention that the guy came around at 1:30 in the morning and had drinks out the back of the house. She actually evaded the question and led me to believe that another friend left at 1:30 and she went to bed, found out weeks later he was around.

Ex 2 – I come home from work as I feel ill, she’s not in, rang her, out down Wall Mart, her car is on the drive, I asked you gone down with x(the guy), no, but your car is here, oh er yes, oh er yes I’m with him now.

Ex 3 – She will spend all day(literally) with the guy 5+hours, then in the evening say she doesn’t feel like talking(which is fine), she will then at 11 o’clock in the evening take the dog for a walk and spend 15-20 minutes talking with him outside his house.

Ex 4 – She receives texts at gone midnight and gets into text sessions, sometimes 10+ each way.

There seems to be to be a lack of consideration of the effect to me of her actions, she has always been a very giving person to her friends, to a point where she will allow that to detract from ‘Us’, I know that, she knows that but it feels different with this issue.

All of these, any many more examples I have discussed with her, part of my issue is she doesn’t see any point to what I raise. Is this me? Or suggestions please.

Any advise on counseling is mute, during all our issues she would not and will not. I have tried to explain emotional fidelity but she laughs it off and says I am being stupid about it.

[Just Dahlia]

There is always 3 sides to every story, Yours, hers and the truth.
Just going by yours, I would agree with you and I would feel hurt.

[Enigma1999]

Hello R,

No, I don't think that's it you. I agree with the poster above. There are 3 sides to the story.

You mentioned that when you try to talk to your wife about the situation, she laughs it off and says you are being "stupid" about it?

Let me ask you something, when you try to talk to her, how does the conversation go?

Do you start to tell her, then she laughs it off, and you let it go?

I don't think that she is cheating on you physically, but she is definitely getting something out of it, whether it be mental/emothional..

My advice to you is to really sit her down and tell her that this is a big concern of yours. Don't let her minipulate the conversation. You take control over it and let her know that this is very hurtful for you to see. You want to be that man that she confide in and laughs with and shares her day with. Not another man. I wish you luck my friend.

[Alty]

She may not be having a physical affair but she is having an emotional one.

How much time do you two spend together? You say she spends 5 plus hours with him every day, they go out together, she tells you she doesn't feel like talking to you but she'll go talk to him?

I'd be upset too.

Time to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about this. Be honest but non threatening. Try not to accuse her of anything. Lead with things like "I feel...." and "I don't understand...", not "You make me feel.." or "you are.." try not to make it about her and this guy, but about you and your feelings.

Calm and rational, but completely honest.

It's a juggling act, but that's the way to get somewhere with her. If you accuse it will just make her back away from you and continue her behavior.

Good luck.

[Ramesees]

a) When I talk with her, she dismisses it and if I persist she seems to get it, but her actions after suggests she is just agreeing to stop the discussion.

a) Until about 3 months ago we spent little time together, we were cohabiting a house effectively, we have fixed a lot in our relationship since this. We now through effort(and I do believe effort on both sides) try to spend time in the evenings together. A lot of her day while I am at work is typically spent with him and his kids, to the point where she has to go to the gym in the evening when I get back from work, which also miffs me a bit.

[Alty]

a) When I talk with her, she dismisses it and if I persist she seems to get it, but her actions after suggests she is just agreeing to stop the discussion.

a) Until about 3 months ago we spent little time together, we were cohabiting a house effectively, we have fixed a lot in our relationship since this. We now through effort(and I do believe effort on both sides) try to spend time in the evenings together. A lot of her day while I am at work is typically spent with him and his kids, to the point where she has to go to the gym in the evening when I get back from work, which also miffs me a bit.

Do you have kids?

If not, why isn't she working?

Maybe getting a job would make her less dependent on this guy.

It sounds like she's stuck in a rut, in a new place, lonely and has found a friend to take some of that away.

I don't think she's cheating on you, but she's also not taking your feelings into consideration. This is not good for your marriage. You have to find a compromise, both of you do.

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

I had to go back and re-read you original post. There was no mention of this man being married? I would think so considering he is a stay at home Father, how else would he supplement an income.

So, is he married, and if so, what does his wife think about this relationship?

[Ramesees]

Yes, that is a good question!

He is married and Tuesday through Thursday his wife lives away from the house due to her work, so she is only about 3 days a week, which allows some of the extensive time that they spend together. What she thinks I really don't know, she is a friend with my wife and all seems fine.

[Cat1864]

How much is she running away from home?

I know from your other thread that you have a daughter with Cystic Fibrosis and that you "HATE" smoking which she started doing during the bad time. Does she feel less judged for her smoking next door?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ly-406262.html

I think she may be bored. Since you moved to another country are there restrictions on getting a job? Is your daughter's health a factor in her ability to keep one?

I know you don't want to hear it, but I think marriage counseling may be good for you even if she won't attend the sessions. I think it might help you learn ways to open conversations with her about your concerns without making her defensive. She could even change her mind.

[Enigma1999]

Hello again R,

Now it all makes sense to me. They both are lonely, and searching for companionship, not a sexual relationship, just companionship.

When it all comes down to it, it really doesn't matter whether is wife is ok/not OK with this situation, the point is, you are uncomfortable with it. Your wife should maybe consider making more friends, girl frineds.

The fact that they text 10+ times or even at all in the middle of the night, doesn't sit well with me. I would have to say that I would be livid if my spouse were texting the opposite sex in the middle of the night, UNLESS it was a relative!

Altenweg is correct about sitting your wife down in a calm manner. Arguing with her will not get any where, it will only create more problems. You definitely need to get to the root of the problem before you fly off the handle. You don't want that. Good luck.

[Ramesees]

Cat1864 yes she probably is happier there, he smokes by the way. I have considered the same, even though we are good together, there are still tough aspects to our home life, one daughter with CF and the other a Tween who is causing stress.

[Gemini54]

Cat1864 yes she probably is happier there, he smokes btw. I have considered the same, even though we are good together, there are still tough aspects to our home life, one daugher with CF and the other a Tween who is causing stress.

I can see that there are tough aspects to your home life and I do understand that in relationships one person can't be expected to be all things to the other partner.

But. And it's a big but. When one partner starts to get considerable emotional sustenance from another person, then that's getting very close to being cheating. I say this because when you want to talk to your wife, or 'debrief' about your day, she says she's too tired. I say this because when she wants to talk she texts stay-at-home-dad, or takes the dog for a walk and talks to him over the fence.

I can also understand that time can make a relationship stale and that people can take each other for granted. But. And again, it's a big but. She seems, from what you say, to be dismissive of your concerns, and unwilling to see how her behavior is hurting you.

Talk. Away from the house and the kids if you can. Let her know what you told us.

Walk the dog with her, invite stay-at-home-dad and his wife around for dinner or a BBQ. Get yourself involved with stay-at-home-dad and his wife and see if that changes the dynamic.