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truckingsally · Jul 30, 2009, 07:32 PM

My husband and I have ben together for 18 yrs (since I was 19 and he was 17). He has always had issues (mother died when he was 6, father was a trucker and never home, raised by old fashioned grandparents).
The problem is his so called "attitude". He comes home from work, hits the bed, doesn't get up until he has to go to work. This happens 3-4 times a week. His personality changes, he has a F**K the world attitude. Its si frustrating, because I'm with the kids all day (6 and 2 yrs old) and they want to see their dad, but he lies there with his hand over his head and it drives me NUTS. This has been on-going since we started dating. If I suggest that he his depressed and needs help he says I'm a b*tch and I need help. I can't take it anymore.

We owned a transport truck before and we lost it because he got heavily involved in crystal meth. He's kicked the habit and relapsed 1 time and been clean for 3.5 yrs now. And all he thinks about is getting his truck. Now his friend has one and all he thinks about is getting this truck and that our life now is the s because he thinks his job is a dead end job, making his boss rich while we live off his salary (he brings home around 700-800 week after taxes, and I drive a school bus for now while my kids get a little older before I go back to work full time). I have been looking and haven't been able to land a f/t job because I don't have "recent experience" in my field of work (lab technician). He always seems to rub it in that we will always be living pay cheque to pay cheque, and I tell him that when I work f/t thing will be different.

I am just so sick and tired looking at this guy laying in the bed saying how crappy his life is. We have 2 beautiful children, healthy, nice home, food in the cupboards, but that never is good enough.

I almost just want to make a plan to leave, even temporarily, so he can see how good he once had it. The other days that he's not having attitude are great, its like he's dr jekyll and mr hyde. He has seen his dr about this, and tried mets, but he never takes them more then 2 weeks, which most take 2-3 weeks to start working anyway.

I am just fed-up with this, My son is even realizing that there is something wrong. He said to me that it makes him sad that daddy goes and lays in bed and doesn't play with him. It breaks my heart.

I think my only option is threating him if he doesn't get help I will leave...

I want to leave...

But I can't because my kids just love him to death...

Signed Confused

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 30, 2009, 07:36 PM

My husband comes home from work and goes to bed... complains he is tired all the time. My son has been telling everyone who will listen that daddy always sleeps and allways in bed. My husband laughs and denys it.

What I did was stop waiting around for him to change. I do things with my son, because it will never happen if we wait for him. If he chooses to come fine, we don't ask anymore.

truckingsally · Jul 30, 2009, 07:39 PM

It's really not an issue of him lying in bed all the time, I think its more of a depression... and hopefully its not heredity

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 30, 2009, 07:41 PM

If all you do is wait in the house for hubby to get up your son will get depressed. It is not healthy. Go have fun with your children, because you can't help someone who does not want to be helped. Yes sometimes depression is hereditary.

truckingsally · Jul 30, 2009, 07:44 PM

Oh we do things together, and daddy is not included. My kids are my life, and sometimes its just frustrates me so much because I know this is not who he really is... thanks again for the advice!

danielnoahsmommy · Jul 30, 2009, 07:46 PM

Sorry I could not help!

jenniepepsi · Jul 30, 2009, 07:53 PM

I'm sorry your dealing with this hon. Your husband sounds like mine.

First I suggest you ask yourself that hard, serious question... do you love him/do you want to save your marriage.

If you answer no, then yes, its time to leave... however if you answer ANYTHIGN other than no, then you still have hope. Even if its an 'i don't know' or 'sometimes'

If you want to save your marriage, first I suggest counseling.

If he will not go to counseling, either for your marriage or himself, then I'm sorry to say there may be no hope. A marriage, even a broken one, must be BOTH partys working together. You won't ever be happy if you're the only one working to make it work.

Good luck hon. And try to remember, yes, you have your children to think about, but DO NOT let them be the reason you don't leave. Its been prooven several times, that kids of parents who don't get along, are 10 times happier with a divorce and separate parents, than children who are stuck in the marriage with their parents.

jham123 · Jul 31, 2009, 06:53 AM

If your marriage is not like a postcard or a perfect picture. Leaving really isn't the answer.

I'd bet he has low Testosterone in the first place. For someone to lay around that much at ~35 isn't really normal.

However that being said, leaving in search of the Norman Rockwell setting is not really the answer anyone should give you.

Marriage is hard. You claim that things are good around the house... and that you have a house... It's not the dream house so you and HE complain.

You have blessings that you need to go back and count... for help, I suggest you start counting the two rugrats running around... they'd be blessing one and blessing two, Although I am sure there are days when they seem more like "Thing 1" and "thing 2" from Cat in the Hat.

Life Happens while we are making plans.

Is what you describe considered "perfect"? Probably not.

Home builders always come in and Bulldoze everything in sight to build a new neighborhood. They bulldoze beautiful 100 year old trees... then they build a bunch of new houses... YEARS go by while people wait on new trees to re-grow... but in the meantime the "lovely" new neighborhood is not really as lovely as an established old neighborhood with beautiful tree lined avenues etc. Oh wait... you noticed that those old houses have issue... Things that need to be fixed.

Yes the new neighborhood is attractive in one aspect and the old established neighborhood is attractive as well... and guess what? The both have good and bad.

Here is where my little story come together, YOU ALREADY OWN an house in the old established neighborhood (figuratively) out right. Does that old house have issues? Yes it does... but it is beautiful never the less.

Running water can wear down a rock over time. Or you can use a sledgehammer.

The running water is serene. Relaxing and beautiful
The Sledge gets the job done but you may need Safety glasses while using it...

ImHereForYouToo · Feb 4, 2010, 07:19 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband had a meth addiction too, he's been clean for 3 years now. It has def taken a toll on his personality and mental health as well..

I think you should give him an intervention. Tell him what's going on, how you feel, if your son is old enough have him write a letter how he feels, and literally read them to him. If he's ready to change, start making plans for you and your family, such as, golf day, picnics, trips, craft day, look at trucks.. then discuss how you two can get another truck, start saving.. that will help his self esteem/regretful attitude..

Also, turning to the Lord.. Helps A LOT! Marriage counseling, etc.. Maybe he needs to be screened to see what's going on with him..

I hope I helped in some way..

And I hope things work out for you all SOON!

God bless