[sublime5373]

Honey... if you stay with him is is telling your kids that it is OK to do that... I just went and am going through it as we speak... my kids are so happy I left and they could tell EVERY time I was not happy... there is places that you kids can go to, to understand why MOMMY and DADDY are getting divorced, It does NOT matter who has them money... it matters who is there with the kids... it sounds to me like you are the sole care giver to the kids... homeschooling in its self... it showes you have the patience for the kids. Does he?? Money can't buy love or happiness. And like the other one said with all of that money he will pay you child support... in some cases the children go with the mother. Good luck to you and remember if you let him talk about you with your kids around it is also telling your children that it is OK for them to do that when they get older and it is NOT!

[walg9e]

Your children are living in a hostile environment. They are seeing their mother disrespected and this is very unhealthy for them. You are doing more harm to them by keeping them in that house, than leaving. Just because you are not living in the same house, doesn't mean that your kids won't see their father. Do you think he will abandon them if you two aren't together? If you decide to divorce him, then they can see a happier mother as well as a happier father. Don't stay with him just for the kids. You are important too! You are by no means being selfish. You have a life too. And you've got to do what the hell you've got to do to survive in this world. Your kids will grow up oneday and realize why you had to do what you did and they will respect you for it. I'm pretty sure they don't like seeing their mother go through this. Be strong and if you and him can't talk to each other and if he can't respect you and realize what sacrifices you have done for your family, then he needs to be alone. You are smart, beautiful, and a great mother! Don't let him take your soul away. If he can't appreciate you, someone else will. Don't worry, be happy.

[louie1]

Stop and think about what you are teaching your children - would you ever tolerate them being treated in this manner.

It may be hard on your own for a while but trust me it is better than what you are going through and will be the beginning of a whole new life! Now that has got to be worth going for.

[Lez]

How can anyone that is meant to love you hurt you in anyway, and spessialy how he has hurt you. Everything that goes on around your children will effect them in time I speak from expeariance as I have been throu it as a child. You also have to think about yourself and making you happy when your happy your children will be happy.

[sammie07]

You Are Not Being Selfish If You Leave Him I Think It Would Best Thing To Dfo Because By Staying Wiv Him Wii Be Upsetting The Children And They Should Come 1st Get Out Of There. Take The Kids Wiv You The Kids Will Go To Who The Best Parent Is Its Not About Money I Have My Child And No Job My Child Dad Works He Anit Got Her Just Think About Your Kids And You You All Deseve Beeter And You Get That If You Consetrat On You Kids And You Good Luck

[teachermama3]

Well it has been a while since I posted. My husband and I got back together again- but it isn't going very well. He is being hateful to me constantly, no matter what I do. He claims that he is stressed over bills and money. It just feels like we have no relationship, and like there is no connection between us. I would really like to move forward, and put the past behind us. I would like for us to raise our children in a loving , Christian environment. It just seems like he doesn't want to try. How can I get him to try? Are relationships supposed to be this much work?

[Bluerose]

Sometimes we just have to throw in the towel. Life is too short and you're both not doing the kids any favours, they would rather have you apart and happy than together and fighting all the time.

To be honest, it sounds to me like he wants out but may feel pressured to stay. This will never work out. Do yourselves a favour, sit down and talk honestly about what you both want. Speak but listen too.

Even if it means going your separate ways, you can still be friends. Perhaps not close friends but the fighting should stop. You both deserve better than living in a war zone.

[GlindaofOz]

My best relationship analogy is as follows:

A relationship is like a rowboat. What happens when only one person is rowing? The boat swings in circles and you get nowhere except tired and frustrated. When both people row the boat sails smoothly and the effort is in fact effortless.

So my question to you is who is rowing the boat?

[Icantmakeyouloveme]

I know that this is a little late, but I am in a relationship which I have recently realized is abusive emotionally and verbally. It's odd how you notice things in the relationship, but shrug them off. Then they build and build until it's not something small anymore. And it just seems like the abuse comes out of nowhere. And even though I don't 'walk on eggshells', those mood swings are pretty darn intimidating and I realize how much I have changed myself to live with him and I am not who I want to be and I don't want my children growing up to live or be like this.

I am in college, too. I went to counseling Thursday, and I realized that since the beginning my husband has had a history of violent outbursts; he has never hit me, and I don't believe that he ever will. But we have several holes in our wall and he has broken several things. I let that slide; it can be fixed. He also started calling me names. It went from occasionally in the beginning and now it seems like it is everyday. It doesn't really bother me. I am a strong person and I let it go in one ear and out the other. It is emotionally draining, though. However, the other night when my husband was putting our daughter to bed, I heard him call her retarded; that was a slap in the face! I started putting things together that my mom had told me about emotional abuse and I Googled it. Then, after I learned that I was in that type of relationship, which now all the pieces are fitting together about my affected schoolwork, how I can't get away from the house, his isolation of me from the world, somehow making everything my fault even if it isn't, name-calling, etc. my teacher asked to speak with me after class and I told her the whole story. Come to find out she was also in a relationship like this for 22 years. She told me that she had been stuck for the same reason that I am stuck: bills. But, as I do more searches on the internet, I grow stronger with my ever-expanding base of knowledge.

I have cried the whole time I have read the responses to your question. I have the same trials as you. If it was just me, then this would not be so tough of a decision. I have two dilemmas. First, I don't know how this is going to affect my children. Do I leave him even with the kids? Do I love him anymore? I know that I did at the beginning. It was the kids that has prompted me to find answers to my questions by using Google to search, which is how I found this page, and by seeking counseling at school. It is a hard road down which to travel when you know that things at home are not right, yet you are afraid that you might be throwing something away that can be repaired. It is fear of the possibilities which leaves us grounded. How can someone we have put so much faith in for this amount of time violate us so much? How can they just tear down our self-esteem and the entire time ignore the fact that it is so destructive to our soul? How can we just give up on the person that we swore to love forever? Then the kids. How can we separate our children from their fathers.

I have two dilemmas. First, I don't know how this is going to affect my children. I am in an educational psychology class. In one of the chapters we studied, a study showed that children do better in broken families than in families that are together but fight constantly. That knowledge has given me strength. So, I know which choice is best for them. Second, I have discovered that I like one of my husband's friends. I have really always liked him, but I have suppressed it. Now he has a girlfriend with a baby and has just found out that he has one on the way. I don't want to leave my husband for another man. That to me is wrong. If I leave him, it will be for me and my kids. So now, the only real question that remains is: do I love him still or is it over? After two weeks of brutal reality setting in, that's the reason that I am still here. Am I going to give up on something that we may have been able to fix, which would not have placed my children in a broken home. I know that I do not feel the same for husband as I did, but I am unsure if I am out of love with him. My husband, like yours, will not seek treatment. I know him better than that. I told that to the counselor, but I still asked him last night and he confirmed my beliefs. I can stand being lonely. What I cannot stand is the doubt that maybe we could have made it work and our children would have been better off for it. One thing that I do not share with you is that my husband has never been physically violent with me. Of that I am grateful, but it is hard to show people that you are being abused when you have no proof, especially the courts. You also doubt yourself as to whether you are blowing things out of proportion or if you truly are in a bad situation. For a while, I just thought that it was his inability to cope with stress and that he had never learned how to deal with his anger and that it was okay. For the fact that he yelled at me and called me names, I brushed it off. BUT IT IS NOT OKAY! You and I are both human beings and we should be treated as such. We should not have to change to suit someone else's mood swings to make our habitat more bearable. I am also grateful that my husband is a great dad, so if I do decide to leave him, I know that he will still love our kids just as strongly.

I found this website while I was searching for answers and it answers some very frightful, tough legal questions, which I believe that you have been hinting at. These answers should give you strength and knowledge about how to keep your kids and how the legal system will help you, rather than hurt you. Even though it is for Tennessee, there are many similarities for other states, so the advice still rings true.

Commonly Asked Divorce Questions

Here is another website which will help you when you decide to leave, and God only hopes that that will be soon for the both of us.

Divorce Source: The ABC's of Divorce

The internet can be a powerful tool and weapon. Use it to your advantage to find out all you can about abuse, divorce, the effects on children, etc. However, I must caution you: some sites are not research-based; they are biased. I found one site on how a marriage must be saved at all costs because it was a sin to divorce. Another stated that divorce should be avoided at all costs because in the US the divorce rate is 50% (although I cannot understand why they would encourage a woman to stay in a relationship that is abusive just so that they can keep numbers down and looking good; especially when it's these women that this advice will affect, not the ones that are in and out of relationships in a split second, maxing out the number of times one can legally marry in a state). Just be aware of your sources and take everything with a grain of salt, but use it to make him play in your backyard!

Be brave and strong, for you are destined to do great things, and a detrimental relationship will only prevent you from fulfilling your destiny and inspiring your children.

[libushe]

This is exactly what I am going through with my husband. I am with him 10 years. We have 3 kids. My husband even don't see that he is doing something wrong. I am so sad that I feel I can't go through the pain anymore. I am staying for the kids and praying to be strong enough to smile... for the kids.It is my foult I should know better before I have kids. Now I will pay for that for rest of my life, if he will not listen what he is doing to me. I am f**** stupid! But I am a great mom and I am doing everything I can to keep they life happy.
I wish someone help me.

[libushe]

Oh and beside that my husband telling me that I am lazy, because his friends say so... and they know better then he does.

[melanie34]

He won't get the children. You should leave. It's really not good for you or for the children. You will all be much happier eventually if you leave. It will take a lot of strength and be difficult but the sun will be shining for you at the end of it...