[Just Looking]

I haven't been around in a while, but my life has been going great. I just got engaged, and we are getting married in October 2010. I'm looking for some input about my grandfather now. My parents were killed in a car accident in 2008, so my grandfather and my uncle are going to each dance with me for the father/daughter dance at our wedding. I called my grandfather to discuss songs, but it turned into a long conversation about how tired he is, how he is ready to die, and how he doesn't know if he is patient enough to let it happen on its own. He made this statement numerous times during the conversation. He is 84 and in decent health. He's had 3 hospitalizations in the last few years - a hernia operation, a staph infection that almost took his life, and prostrate surgery. I don't remember the exact timing, but I think it's been close to 2 years since the last problem.

I think he's also depressed about the people he has lost. Three of his five children are gone, including my mother, his oldest son who died at age 33, and my aunt (who was his "rock") who died last year. My grandmother passed away in 2002, and he remarried in 2005. I asked if he had talked to his wife about how he's feeling and he said, "She wouldn't care. She's a loner and would just as soon I was gone." My grandfather is a complainer and I know he used to talk to my deceased aunt about these things, prior to meeting his second wife which lifted his spirits for a while. I asked his wife in May about how he was doing because he seemed down and she said he was just looking for sympathy. She can be pretty harsh.

I tried to talk to him today about things he could do to make his life more fun. He just says he's tired. He can't stand the way the world is anymore. He complained about politics and the economy. He complained that he doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore. He talked about all the people in his life that had died. He's bored (but won't do anything to change that - we have all tried for years to encourage him to find something of interest). He won't see a doctor or psychologist about any of this ("What's the use?"). I am looking for suggestions of what I might do. He lives 500 miles from me, so I can't just stop over and see him. I'm also wondering if people just get to this point of being ready to die. I know both my grandmothers did, and my grandfather told me today about his father reaching that point. However, the suicide aspect seems so extreme. Thanks for any input.

[Blue Angel]

I can't really offer any advice other than just being there for him when you can and listening to him even though it is all the same depressing sentiments. My grandfather went through the same thing after my grandmother and many of his friends died, then he lost his sight. He still had all his children and grandchildren though. My grandmother on the other side of my family had similar feelings until she lost her wits to dementia. I think it's unhealthy for the spirits but it seems fairly normal for people to feel this way once they start getting up there in age and see so many of the people they loved move on to the next place without them. Maybe you can engage him in conversation that has to do with his glory days; i.e. when he met your grandmother, service in the war (if applicable), the inovations he's seen in the world. My grandpa loved to talk about the things that happened during WWII and the things he used to send home to my grandmother. Hopefully others can offer you more advice. Good luck.

[Just Looking]

Our conversations are always 90% about him, but I can definitely call more often. Thanks for the response.

[redhed35]

I worked with the elderly for a number of years and have seen 'young' 84 year olds and very old 84 year olds.

The one thing they all had in common was talking about the way things used to be,the conversations went from hot and heavy past politics to rations and the black market during the depression.

In one nursing home a lady of about 60 ish would come and visit and bring paraphernalia from different era's,it was very entertaining and interesting.

My point is,when I get to it,when you feel life has nothing left to offer,whatever age you are its all to easy to want to die and be with the ones you love.

But if you have an interest,something,anything,once you have a purpose the will to live to strong,most of the elderly lived for that lady's visit.

There is a group of volunteers near my area who regularly visit old people just to talk to them,just for company,shoot the breeze,or go on day trips.

Is there something like that in your area?

Another suggestion is to ask him to put together a photo family tree,newspaper cuttings,birth certs,death certs etc,as a wedding present for you... it can be his part in your future,for your children.

It might be something to get him interested in the here and now.

[Just Looking]

Thanks for the ideas, Red. I'll talk to him about putting something together. He did albums like that for all his kids about 30 years ago, when he was newly retired. I have my mom's album - maybe I can get him to do an update. My grandfather is not good with people. He turns them off by dominating conversations, all having to do with how smart he is. Even most of his family try to avoid him - quite sad. I usually try to call every couple of weeks, but I live 500 miles away so I don't see him often.

[redhed35]

Perhaps giving him a solitary project that he's good at and has done before with success with give him more zest for life.

Ask him for specifics,make it interesting and a little taxing for him,make him have to think about how he will put to together.

Make him feel important.

[Just Looking]

That's a great suggestion. I also know if he is willing he will do a great job and it is something I will treasure. I feel better already. :)

[joypulv]

I might suggest something really concrete, like moving to your town, as an expression of your love. 3 of his 5 children died before him! I'd be depressed too. If he turns you down, you gave him something anyway. If he accepts, hunt for a place to live and make time to see him as much as possible. Or is he near to any of his 2 surviving children, and could you work on talking with them?

[Just Looking]

Thanks for the reply. He won't leave Southern California, nor will his wife. I live in another state. I don't really see moving. I am well established in my area, own a home, and have a great job. I am getting married in less than 2 weeks to a man who also grew up in my town, and his whole family is here. We've based our lives around the city we both grew up in. I have gone down to visit him recently, and plan to visit at least every other month.

He has a daughter within 15 miles of where he lives and a son who lives about 60 miles away. They are busy with their own lives, but are trying to be in touch with him more often.

Since I wrote this, his spirits have been much better. His stepson has moved in with my grandfather and his wife, and for now that gives my grandfather something more to do. He has also been taking care of two young step-grandchildren for a day or two a week.

[Truelove08]

I haven't read all the other responses which I probably should have but I didn't want to lose my train of thought. I lived with my grandfather and helped him while my grandmother was dying which happened in 07 and became my grandfathers rock and when I moved back in with my parents (I had just turned 16 when she went into the hospital and lived with him for the three months she was there) he started becoming depressed and such and it really worried me although I lived close I was 16 and wanted to start having a life again my grandmother was a mom to me and I was so heartbroken after everything it was hard being in their house and seeing him without her. But I started calling him everyday and trying to cheer him up one thing we loved doing was talking about the past and things we did together with my grandmother like trips vacations etc. and he was big into carpentry so I started giving him ideas on what he could make and things of that nature. If your grandfather had something he used to be passionate about maybe you can rekindle that. And also my grandfather got in touch with old friends and things like that. And maybe if you and him can afford it have him come stay with you for a week or so might help too being around someone you love a lot and miss a lot can give you hope and reasons for living. Or maybe you can help him find old friends and things that relate to him so they can both sit and talk of the poitics and how everythings changed having someone he can relate to on a man level might help him.