Check out some similar questions!

wherearewegoing · Nov 30, 2009, 09:09 AM

I have read many of the posts about wives that have male friends and have been in that situation before. My wife had a male friend that she was with almost daily and most of the time alone on dates/dinner. It took quite a while for me to convince her that it was inappropriate although I knew there was no physical attraction there at all. Eventually she broke off the relationship and we patched things up.

Move ahead 10 years and 2 kids and a similar situation has come up. Her mother has taken in a foster boy 17 years old. Over the past year, they have been together almost daily. The family went camping together this summer and I was unable to attend due to work commitments. Instead of staying in our camper with her parents, she chose to sleep in a tent with him. She has gone to movies with him and he goes almost anywhere she goes. She is a stay at home mom and claims that he is a great help (although he is really lazy any time I see him) On a second camping trip that I was able to attend, I would retire around midnight and she would stay out with him sometimes until 5 in the morning. One night, she went to a party with him and another ex foster brother (20 year old) at a neighboring campsite after I went to bed. The next day, she told me she exposed herself to the other campers so they would provide jello shots for her and the boys.

He is very sexually active and they constantly talk about sex including techniques and positions. He has spent the night at my house on several occasions including times when I was traveling on business. I have called home at night to no answer only to find out that she was out back in the hot tub with him. They are very affectionate towards each other in what one could consider a brother/sister mannor (Hugs, massage, sholder rubs, resting feet on each others laps during movies, hiting, pinching, etc) but my spine cringes every time I see it. I have voiced my conserns with her and she gets upset with my position. She claims he is her "brother" and therfore I have nothing to worry about. She recently got a cell phone and they text back and forth all day long while he is in school or not with her. She deletes each message after she receives it because she claims to be afraid of Big Brother (1984).

She is very unaffectionate towards me and only "gives" me sex when I deserve it. Even then, there is no kissing involved. I travel a lot for work and understand the hole he is filling but do not feel it is right. It makes me very uncomfortable when I am away from home as I do not feel I can trust her while I am gone. I was never really a jealous person except for the occasions I mentioned. It has gotten to the point that is affecting my work as I can not sleep when I am away and it shows when I am with a client. 3 weeks ago she told me she was going to cut back on the time she sees him. This has not happened even a bit. Last night, I was supposed to fly out for work but the trip got pushed back a day. I told her I was not leaving until today and she seemed upset. Last night, he spent the night on the couch with my wife watching movies while I slept (or tried) to sleep alone. She said it was a slumber party and her two nieces were there... they slept on the floor so obviously nothing could happen. She said he was there because her parents needed a night to celebrate their anniversery.

Why do I feel so insecure and alone? Why do I think my wife has an inapproiate relationship? I feel like I have to be very careful with what I say or do because if we have a bumpy road, she will have a new set of arms to fall into. How do I address these things with her? After writing this, I am considering sharing it with her so she truly can see how I see it. Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks

Jake2008 · Nov 30, 2009, 09:50 AM

I'd say you have every reason to be concerned, alarm bells would be going off in my head too.

Jello shots to minors? Exposing herself? Talking about sexual techniques and positions?

You really need to inform her mother what is going on here, and if she is a legally appointed foster care giver, I would take it a step further and report her to the local CPS.

She is exploiting a 17 year old in innapropriate ways, and the 17 year old needs protected, in my opinion. (I'm not a lawyer, but regardless, this is just plain wrong)

Your wife has more problems than being attracted to 17 year olds. She needs to get into therapy, and figure out why this is happening before she ends up in jail.

If I were you, I would take immediate action. This is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned.

If it were my husband, exposing himself and doing jello shots with 17 year old girls, he'd be long gone. There would be no second chances for this kind of behaviour.

wherearewegoing · Nov 30, 2009, 11:48 AM

I obviously can not report her to CPS as she is the caregiver for my two children. I do love her very much and just want her to see what she is doing is wrong. I have talked to her mother and told her "something" is going on but did not give specifics. I merely asked her to keep him away. This got back to my wife and she was ferious. If I were to give specifics to her mother, how should I go about it to ensure it does not end up blowing up in my face.

Cat1864 · Nov 30, 2009, 01:38 PM

If you feel it would be better received, get into marriage counseling.

This is about to blow in her face and yours if something isn't done.

Be completely honest with her mother. She is in danger from some serious legal repercussions, too. She is the one entrusted by the state with the well-being of this (legally) child. If this blows up, she could face investigations going back over ALL of her foster children.

I find it interesting that you seem more worried about your wife taking care of the children than about what they might see or hear where the foster brother is concerned. Think about what happens to your children if she is caught flashing a teen or providing under-age drinkers with alcohol.

Bottom line is that your wife needs to grow up and remember that she isn't 17. She is supposed to act like a mature adult and parent. Right now she isn't being a parent and wife. She is being a spoiled wanna-be-again-teen babysitter.

How old are your children? Are they in school? If so, I highly recommend that she become more involved in volunteering or get a job. She is way to bored with being a housewife and mother.

Gemini54 · Nov 30, 2009, 02:33 PM

Your wife is in serious need of counselling and her behavior is totally inappropriate - what is she 16?? Talking about sex to a 17 year old, slumber parties, exposing her breasts - is she going through a second childhood?

You've been patient far too long and it's time to take back your masculinity. Your own sexual relationship is suffering while she plays out her fantasies with a 17 year old in an indecent and provocative manner.

You're too worried about upsetting your wife when in fact she is behaving appallingly. Put your foot down. Tell her mother what is going on and tell your wife you''ll not put up with it any more - her behavior is damaging your marriage and damaging your children.

I also think that you need to be home more and involved in your family life - this situation has gone completely off the rails and your lack of backbone has contributed to it.

Get both of you into counselling and stop being a wimp. Your wife and children need your strength and guidance.

Devorameira · Nov 30, 2009, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'd say you have every reason to be concerned, alarm bells would be going off in my head too.

Jello shots to minors? Exposing herself? Talking about sexual techniques and positions?

You really need to inform her mother what is going on here, and if she is a legally appointed foster care giver, I would take it a step further and report her to the local CPS.

She is exploiting a 17 year old in innapropriate ways, and the 17 year old needs protected, in my opinion. (I'm not a lawyer, but regardless, this is just plain wrong)

Your wife has more problems than being attracted to 17 year olds. She needs to get into therapy, and figure out why this is happening before she ends up in jail.

If I were you, I would take immediate action. This is a very unhealthy situation for all concerned.

If it were my husband, exposing himself and doing jello shots with 17 year old girls, he'd be long gone. There would be no second chances for this kind of behaviour.

Jake1008 has the right idea!

Jake2008 · Nov 30, 2009, 10:18 PM

Wherearewegoing, I did not mean for you to report your wife, I meant that the responsibility for the well being of her foster child, includes providing a safe environment.

He is not being protected here, from your wife. He should be, and her mother should be very concerned. She has a responsibility here, and if she can't see what's going on, she should not be in charge of children in the first place.

It sounds like neither your wife, or her mother, are responsible people, and if the consequences of their actions cause them some trouble, so be it.

I think you have a moral obligation to do something.

QLP · Dec 1, 2009, 05:33 AM

Good points made by all the above. Your wife's mother has a duty of care to her foster charge so should be made fully aware of the situation and if she is not willing to act on that information she is not doing a responspible job of fostering.

wherearewegoing · Dec 10, 2009, 05:29 PM

I have scheduled counseling for next Wednesday. This is the time that I am taking a stand and having someone there as a mediator will help. I plan on providing my original post to the consoler first so that she can help me present the situation. I really believe my wife is truly ignorant to the situation. I was also given the advice that once an agreement is made for her to stay away from him that we do involve her mother. I don't plan to give her the specifics unless absolutely necessary but will ask her to help with our commitment. I will update this post after our meeting as I hope that it will eventually help someone in a similar situation.

QLP · Dec 10, 2009, 06:37 PM

Good for you getting this organised. I really hope an objective third party will help to get this sorted out.

Best of luck. Keep us posted.

Jake2008 · Dec 10, 2009, 07:54 PM

You are doing the right thing here, not a doubt in my mind.

I think it is an excellent idea to give the counsellor a heads up with the original post you wrote. That will give her a running start with what she's dealing with.

Good for you taking this step. Please post with progress.

Gemini54 · Dec 10, 2009, 10:30 PM

Originally Posted by wherearewegoing

I have scheduled counseling for next Wednesday. This is the time that I am taking a stand and having someone there as a mediator will help. I plan on providing my original post to the consoler first so that she can help me present the situation. I really believe my wife is truly ignorant to the situation. I was also given the advice that once an agreement is made for her to stay away from him that we do involve her mother. I don't plan to give her the specifics unless absolutely necessary but will ask her to help with our commitment. I will update this post after our meeting as I hope that it will eventually help someone in a similar situation.

Well done and good luck. Hopefully it will be a wake up call for your wife.

SVImager · Dec 11, 2009, 12:06 PM

I have another angle to your situation.
Although I agree going to counseling is great, but it will not have any effect on your current situation until you change.

I am going to take a wild guess... she is the more dominating one in the relationship.

I don't know if she is cheating on you, but she is on her way.

She has lost attraction and interest for you.
Even though you provide a good home and finance.

Read, "The Game" and "Ways of a Superior Man" and gain some of those attractions back.

Also, For God sake, find a book on how to be a better lover. If she doesn't get the big "O" during your intimate moment, it only means only you are having sx and she is not.

talaniman · Dec 13, 2009, 09:55 PM

Take your kids, and get the hell out of dodge.

wherearewegoing · Mar 2, 2012, 01:38 PM

Well... she was sleeping with her foster brother. It is actually legal in Ohio... go figure. I am now divorced and with a woman that enjoys being with me and I her. I learned a lot about life over the last few years and went through a lot of hell to learn it. I am much happier now and use my experiences to show others how they can come through tough times. Two points:

1. In a no fault state, divorce means you will loose half of everything including your retirement and your income while paying alimony.
2. No matter what the cost, leaving a cheating woman is worth every penny!

Cat1864 · Mar 2, 2012, 05:15 PM

Okay, where to start.

Thanks for the update.
Sorry about the ex.
Glad the divorce was worth it.
I'm happy that you seem to have found a woman who is mature enough to know the difference between a man and a boy.
I hope your children are doing well.
I hope you will feel comfortable enough to share your insight and experience with others here on AMHD.

And I wish you a much better future than the past has been. :)

talaniman · Mar 2, 2012, 09:09 PM

I love it when things work out! Thanks for updating us.