[Fifig]

How many of are asking this question at this time of year.. .
Well, here's my story. I'm on my second marriage and it's my third long term relationship. My first husband died in his thirties after a long illness. I was heartbroken when he died, and what with that plus terrible problems with his family, it took me about five years before I could even feel comfortable around men again. I had a son from that marriage, and he kept me going he was such a little ray of sunshine. We still get on very well, although he lives quite a distance away now, being in his twenties.
Well, after moving house twice I was almost on the brink of taking my life when I met a new guy. I met him by advertising in the local paper (pre internet days!), but he actually lived about 200 miles away from me!
He was a great talker, and we were on the phone everyday, sometime a couple of times a day when we weren't together. His work took him around the country and he had plenty of time off during the winter months. I wasn't working at that time, so I sometimes accompanied him on his trips. On the plus side, we were a perfect match for each other; he took me out of my shell, had no time for moping about, we chatted non-stop, the physical side of things was out of this world, we liked the same kind of music ( my chief interest), he was very sociable.
On the minus side, he was a bit of a drinker, beer mostly. Actually he didn't drink more than a couple of pints a days mostly, but when he did drink it was like there was a switch in his head and he could turn quite nasty. He never abused me physically though. The other thing he would do - if I did anything to displease him, he's go off and disappear for days, weeks, sometimes months, then reappear and laugh about the whole thing. We didn't live together as such, but it suited us both and we were together for 9 years.
Then I became increasingly unhappy about certain things - his disappearances, his friends and certain comments or jokes that he made. To cut a long story short, I discovered he was actually bisexual, and on his times away from me he was having a string of affairs with men. I asked him about it, even when I found a very telling card to him from his friend, but he always denied it. The final straw came when we were staying with one of his friends and his wife; the two guys went out to get some Chinese takeaway for us all, and the other guy's wife was very uneasy while they were gone. When they came back, my guy sat on the floor next to the other guy, snuggled up to his legs and said "Aren't you glad you're not heterosexual?" He'd been drinking and I guess this remark slipped out. Well the upshot was that the other guy's wife left him, and I finished with my guy. I was broken hearted for the second time, and it seemed to me I had a clear choice - find another guy straight away, or live out what was left of my life being bitter and alone.
I met my current husband almost immediately. I started working with him, and he was separated (although he told me he was divorced). I could see he was interested, and although physically he was not my type at all, we got to know each other and it seemed to me that we could get on well together, and perhaps may a good partnership. Well, we got married just over a year later. All this time, my ex kept writing to me and texting me saying that he wanted to marry me, he couldn't let me go etc, but I knew he wouldn't be able to change his ways. Still I liked having contact with him.
Well, my marriage was OK to start with, although I was very creeped out on our honeymoon when I realised he was peeping at me through the crack in the bathroom door while I was getting dressed. But I overlooked it.
For the first year I was working in a very busy full time job, and had hardly time to think, so it was reasonably happy, although strangely never really close. Then, a big shock for me: I found that he had photos of his ex wife in the nude, and, more disturbingly, a photo of his mother in the nude. He had them in his private cupboards - OK, so I pried, I admit it. I'm not normally a prying kind of person, but he's always been so secretive, and unforthcoming so I had to find out who I was actually married to.
I confronted him about the photos and he shredded them, although he didn't actually say much about them. I later discovered, though, that he had kept the negatives.
I've since caught him out in several lies, major things not white lies. I also realised that he has a very high sex drive, although you would never think it to see him - he looks completely mild mannered and boring. The thing is I just don't like his brand of sex - he doesn't really consider me at all. I now find I go to some lengths to avoid getting close with him.
I also looked through his email account and found that he had dated several women at once while being in a relationship with another woman, which is when I first met him. One of these women was very important to him, and she texted him a couple of times late at night when we were first together. I said it had to stop, and he told me that he wrote to her and said their friendship had to end. His work takes him to the town where she lives now and then, and I strongly suspect that he still sees her. I also believe that he's got a thing going with a younger woman in his place of work in another city (he works between 4 offices around the country).
Between the complete lack of trust, the deceit, the creepy side of him and the lack of physical compatibility I really don't think I can go on much longer here. But the thing is, I do have a nice lifestyle, and I have never had a profession, so if I left I would have quite a bit of hardship. I'm 53 now so I don't have the chances I once might have had, although I have been studying to get a qualification to get me into a teacher training course. Can I really wait that long though? I feel that our marriage is rapidly becoming very unhappy for both of us. I keep thinking about the guy who is bisexual and beat myself up about how well matched we were, but I know there is no future for us. I hate myself for being weak and cowardly, but I'm not sure I've got it in me to start again.

[SVImager]

That was a very long and interesting read.

Wow... what a situation.
Can't be in a happy relationship without Trust.

Don't waste anymore of your time with the bisexual guy.
Good luck with your Teacher Training course.

[Gemini54]

Well, you've presented us with a lifetime's worth of issues here.

The common thread in all these issues is YOU. You, and the choices that you've made regarding men. I would suggest that the death of your first husband has left you devastated at such a deep level that you don't want to choose another man who you can get close to.

Your second partner was physically and sexually distant, and your current husband (who you met in desperation on the rebound) is sexually and emotionally distant.

Can you see the pattern?

You're afraid of being alone, but you're also afraid of being close to someone so you make unwise choices.

Why would you stay in an unhappy marriage? What is so difficult about being on your own? You are not THAT old!

I would suggest that you need to speak with a counselor and get some of what you're thinking and feeling out into the open. Only then can you make an INFORMED chocie, not one based on fear.

[talaniman]

Seems you have sacrificed your entire life for men to take care of you, but you also sacrificed your own happiness. By this time your realizing the difference between being taken care of and being happy.

I think you can be happy taking care of yourself, and building a life that you enjoy. Try that for a change, and stop taking short cuts.