[ElizabethMonroe]

Hello All,

First of all - let me apologize for making this so lengthy. My situation can probably not be summed up in a sentence or two.

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We dated for one year before we married. Six months of that year were somewhat long distance - he moved to a nearby city (several hours away driving) to open a business with his then partner. We spent most weekends together however.

I conceived our son - much to my surprise, on our 1-year anniversary. We have a beautiful little boy who is almost 2 years old now whom we both love dearly.

However, I am very unhappy in marriage for a myriad of reasons and I am now thinking of finding a way out of this marriage in the next year or so because of the following reasons. I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt anyway - I know this is holding me back. Even though I don't really love my husband I still feel guilty about asking for a divorce because I know now how emotionally immature he is and how little control he has over his actions. I also come from a split family (my parents went through a bitter divorce when I was around 8 yrs old and I hate to do this to my son). Although, I am thinking that now vs. later (which I am beginning to feel that later is inevitable) would be less traumatic for my son.

Ok. So here are my reasons for wanting a divorce:

Also, please note that I did not know about any of this before I married my husband. He put on the best act ever I believe to get me to say "I Do". I am realizing now that a year of dating simply is not enough time to really get to know someone!

1. My husband has an anxiety issue (a serious anxiety issue) and everything from flying in a plane, to changing our son's diaper gets him upset! He knows he has an anxiety issue but he refuses to get help. I am beginning to feel I need medication myself just to be around him!

2. He also has ADD (attention deficit disorder). Yes - this is a real condition. Imagine going to dinner with someone who repeatedly just 'stares off into space' as you are speaking, or, hanging out with someone who refuses to make intelligent conversation with you - your spouse inparticular. It's a very lonely feeling. Truly it is.

3. Because of the above I am no longer physically attracted to him. We still have sex once in while, but, it's not so great. Another oddity about this man is that he does not and really has not ever, now that I am thinking of it - made eye contact with me during sex. There is no emotional intimacy involved. I have been in past relationships where sex just keeps getting better but with us - it has severely deteriorated since the beginning. He really also has a rather low sex-drive and this in itself is nothing less than a BIG TURN OFF!

4. He does not take care of himself. He will only brush his teeth before bed if I urge him to do so. He will not work out unless I insist upon it. He will not cook a meal for himself or for me. He does not do his own laundry. He is not capable of coordinating a decent outfit. Some days he does not even shower. He is lazy. Bordering upon being a slob really. He has gained 20 pounds since we have been married. He also has come close to starting to smoke again (smoking with employees, smoking when he drinks). He drinks heavily with friends sometimes although don't get this wrong - he is not an alcoholic, but, he has little to no self-control. Again - a huge turnoff.

5. Yet in spite of all of the above and his 0 contributions to our home - he finds lots of time to complain about what I have still not gotten together in our new house. (we recently bought a second home together - the first is now a rental property).

6. That's the last big thing - his negativity. Being with him is usually a huge downer. I am always wondering when he might raise his voice to me for accidentally doing something wrong (like just last week when we were at a friends house and I sat down next to him on sofa too hard - not realizing that he was drinking a latte they made for him which he barely shook because of my sitting down next to him) - He screamed at me in front of all of our friends and it was really embarrassing and hurtful. He treats me like this - frequently.

Being around him is a huge downer for me. I do not enjoy my time with him - anytime now AT ALL. NOT EVER! He is not a happy person. He is a negative, low-energy person and I can't believe that I married him and now have a child with him without seeing any of this for what it is beforehand. I did it though. So, I can't turn back the clock - but, I can hopefully make my life a bit better.

I am not sure if medication, or, counseling can help us. I don't like the thought of going through a divorce and starting over in this city that I am in because of him with absolutely no family and few friends, but, I know that this is where he will make me stay because of our child.

I also don't like the idea of divorcing period as this was never what I envisioned for myself, but, I am starting to feel like a feaful failure for instead forcing myself to stay in a marriage that makes me feel so - empty.

The good news is - that we have been doing well financially, and, I will at least have a fair amount of $ hopefully to walk away with. Nothing compared to what his family has put aside 'for him' in a trust fund with his name only on it after we married - purposely in the trust fund to keep it from being a marital asset I believe. I would have never even known about this had he not felt the need to 'brag about' to me - this huge amount of money that HE is getting and how it will be just HIS - HIS nest-egg - NOT mine and how it makes HIM feel secure, but, that it should 'make me feel secure too since we are married' - even though it is not 'really mine'. Jeez. I found this rather insulting. Would you??

Even so, I will have some money to start my life over. I gave up my career several years ago to stay at home with our child though. So having not worked in a while either is a scary feeling.

The state that we live in maxes out child support at a certain amt. and alimony is very limited, so, we will certainly not be able to live off that $$.

He owns a business that we both lived off and he will keep it and continue to make a really good living and I will have to put our child in a childcare program and go back to work doing who knows what for probably a mediocre wage since I can't go back to my old career and be a single mom without any family support to speak of for sure as my previous career as a sales manager was far too demanding and stressful.

This scenario seems very unfair, but, I guess it is what it is.

In spite of all of his flaws - right now I guess in some ways I have a comfortable life. I can buy whatever I want. Come and go basically as I please as he is not jealous, or, demanding of my time. I can work-out at the gym almost everyday if I want to. I guess these are the things combined with guilt that are keeping me in this marriage.

I really miss romance and love however, and, I often think about how much I would enjoy dating again because I feel so lonely with my husband.

I am really torn about what to do. I don't feel that I can start a divorce process at least for another year - when our child is a bit older and can at least be put in a quality daycare full-time. Almost all of the child-support he will provide me with will probably go towards that daycare. Texas really sucks.

I am planning to go to marriage counseling and try to talk him into getting on medication for his anxiety/ADD this year, but, I honestly don't think that I can ever feel like I would like to feel about the person that I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with - ever again.

Please share your thoughts and thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

[basketballlover]

Okay, well first, I would get a divorce. Coming from split parents myself I would definitely say do it soon. While he is young. From your description, marriage counselling won't do any good. You shouldn't have to put up with this. You shouldn't be unhappy because it isn't healthy for you, your husband or your son. If you do get divorced, make sure you are at least on speaking terms with your husband because it sucks when you are in the middle and are being pulled each way by each parent. Make sure he does pay you child support. This relationship sounds as if its only going one way.. down. Good luck. :)

[sandalwood7]

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation.You are feeling a lot of resentment towrd him and it also souds like this has been building up for a long time without either of you talking.

When you ask 'is this over?' I would say to you that it all depends on
1) If you are willing to talk to him about your feelings and concers +
2) whether he listens to your concerns and takes them on board+
3) whether, after talking, you both want to stay together and work hard to get your relationship back on track

No relationship is easy and they take work and effort fromboth ends. When you don't talk about problems they grow into bigger probems as you have found out. COMMUNICATION sounds like it has been missing from your relationship for a long time (of course you feel resentment if you have never talked about any of these things or told himhow you feel!)

Communication is the number one thing to save your relationship. Without communication neither of you willmove past these issues and resentment will destroy your relationship as it is already doing so.

Bottom line is, I don't think it necessarily means that your marriage is over, but to get it back on track will take a LOT of talking and work and understanding.

If you really have never talked about many of these issues properly then I would definitely not give up yet. Be careful when bringing up these issue if you do all at once because it will seem overwhelming to your husband if you bombard him with resentments. Try and identify the MAJOR issues and tell himhow YOU feel about his behaviour usuing I statements. You will also have to try and be understanding if this is to work. Don't forget that there are two people inevry relationship,and two sides to every story.

Good luck. Keep us informed.

[JoeCanada76]

I did not read the other answers but would like to flip the coin around a bit.

Maybe you're the negative person. Maybe you see all the things the bad ways but it is not really that bad.

He is there, support is there financially. You have two homes. You have a child together.

He is not abusive. Yelling at times, but quite honestly it seems your only way to willing to put demands on him about everything. The way he dresses, the way he showers, the way he does this, the way he does that.

Do you ever stop and think all this nagging about working out and other things is just making the situation worse.

It does take two. It is not just one sided. Whether he has this mental condition or not.

Did you ever try to communicate to him. Did you ever try to have one on one conversations.

Honestly in real marriage. Guess what after having children in some people sex diminishes or is not as good. It happens especially when children are being taking care of.

As far as getting all upset about not going back to the same career because you're a stay at home mom that is a load of crap. If you have experience in a certain job you could always get back into what you were doing before. You just have to work at it.

I think a lot of the problem here is that you have been stay at home mom so long it has got to you.

It seems like you live comfortable and lots of good income but all your thinking of is getting money to support yourself.

People or you might not agree with anything I have to say but have to look at things at all ways, and there is another story to this thread. The other side of things.

Since there seems to be no communication at all, would explain why you both might be feeling this way.

Marriage counseling is very important. For both of you as a couple but would suggest you go to counseling on your own as well. To work on your approaches and learn new ways of dealing with things that might help this situation.

If it was so bad, you would not be waiting another year. I think you need to give counseling a good chance for both of you as a couple and yourself.

It will not be fixed overnight, but just because he gained weight, just because he might not shower everyday, or because he might not wear clothes you demand him to wear does not give it a good enough reason to get a divorce.

Same as the sex drive. Different sex drives. Or because he does not go to the gym whatever it may be sounds like your living separate lives, but it is both your doing. Not just the one partner.

So is the marriage savable or workable I would say yes.

It depends on how much your willing to work on it, and also how much he is willing to work at it but you two need to start working together as a team.

[Gemini54]

I'm not sure if the marriage can be saved, but there are certainly multiple issues.

One of the things that struck me as you were describing him was that he may have a form of Asperger's Syndrome (I'm honestly not trying to 'diagnose' him, but my husband has worked a lot with people like this).

There are people, like your husband, that present as relatively normal but they have really annoying behaviors that drive their partner's crazy - not looking other people in the eye, yelling about small things, multiple anxieties, problems with personal hygiene - and other semi obsessive traits.

I wouldn't discard the marriage without a fight. You've grown distant from each other and irritable with each other but perhaps counseling would assist you both to understand what has happened. It nearly always takes 2 people!

Counseling might also help you to understand what's happening with your husband's behavior. He might just be a bloody annoying bloke, or there may genuinely be something that can be done to assist in managing his anxieties and responses.

You say that you don't want to do anything for a year. Well, why don't you give it a year and really make an effort to turn it around. If it doesn't work, and he won't join you in this endeavor, then you can leave knowing you've done your best.

[Cat1864]

Gemini, I had to spread the rep, but I think you are right about trying.

Elizabeth, I think you need to look into not only counseling, but support groups for family members of people with ADD.

One way you might try getting him to try counseling, etc. is to have a calm discussion with him about the affect that parental anxiety and stress has on a child especially one who is getting to be old enough to understand that something is wrong. By now, it isn't just your husband's responses to things, but your responses to him and his reactions. Take the focus off just him and place it on the best way to raise a healthy child.

It sounds like, at the very least, you both need better communication skills and ways to work together. Whether you stay in the marriage, you will still be raising a child together.

[JoeCanada76]

I just realized something. Throughout the OP post there is not much mentioned about their child and how it is effecting the child if at all, if these problems are so series. It is all about herself and how she sees everything bad in her husband.

Soon your child will pick up on how you feel about your husband even though it seems to me that it is mostly petty stuff and high class snobbishness in your case.

Your child will pick up on everything and start acting out on both of you. Could go either way. Not in a good way for either one of you.

Time to focus on your marriage and focus on raising your child.

[SVImager]

Wow... that is a real mess.

OK so, He is a good provider.
Is he a good father to your son?
No one else will love your son as much as he does.

Does your husband understand the gravity of the situation?
Is he from another culture?

Getting a divorce might not make things better... you can get into worse situations.

[talaniman]

A couple that doesn't talk to each other and is willing to work together, is divorced already any way.

You have already began the process of leaving, probably because like so many of us we don't have the communication skills to talk and listen to our partners. Before you leave, think of talking to him first, if nothing else to get the bad feelings you have out in the open to be examined and resolved. You owe that to the child you have together, an honest try to make changes you can both live with.

A doctor may be needed for his issues, a counselor to guide you through the process of talking, listening, and working together, can also help, or you getting your own counseling without him.

It starts with honestly telling him your feelings and listening to him. You both need to listen to each other to bring about the needed changes to you both.

Good Luck!

[JoeCanada76]

Folks it is not all about the husband.

[Jake2008]

I agree with the points made to try harder to address the issues. It is hard to believe that knowing him for a year that he could hide all these symptoms, yet you referred to him as, " emotionally immature he is and how little control he has over his actions". Somehow it all magically appeared after you married him.

I have to ask you what you think marriage is. What do you think supporting your spouse in sickness and in health means. I see nothing of his actions or behaviour that cannot be addressed.

You seem to have made up your mind, even setting a time limit. And don't kid yourself, your lack of commitment and plan to end the marriage, will affect your young child. You at least owe it to him, to get into counselling, together, get the truth on the table, and work hard to correct what you can.

He could turn into a totally different person with the right care, diagnosis, and counselling.

[JoeCanada76]

Maybe looking at it differently on her end of things, instead of being so petty about everything. Could change how she sees things and then how she approaches the situation which in turn will change the way he reacts to her as well.

[SVImager]

Folks it is not all about the husband.

Well, I say it is about the Husband.
The OP is almost in her 5th year mark... statistically where a lot of divorces happens.


The OP has grown and gotten a little more mature and she is noticing things she didn't like about him. The luster and excitement of new relationship is gone. Now you've got him, in all his comfortable glory self. Heck, I can't live with someone like that either. I couldn't live with my wife either, at first. I don't thing a majority of us can live with our parents or siblings, whom are most like us.


In general, a woman is about dancing with life and always changing, etc.
The man is about staying the same and stable and unchanging and ending.


I believe this is one of those growth period in your life, in which your marriage will get stronger after this for much tougher situation to come. Growth is painful, but your relationship will be better at the end.


Yes, it is your Husband turn to grow and catch up.
He has to learn what is expect of him. Keep in mind, he will get close to your expectation, but will never meet all your expectations. No man can. Not that you are asking for the impossible, but your expectation will change as soon as he reaches or get close to it. It is in your nature. Just like fashion has to change every season or so.

Your husband has to understand things can't stay the same and be harmonious. Things has to grow to remain harmonious.

[talaniman]

Its about them both, working together, or at least be willing to.

[Jake2008]

Having been married 33 years, to one person (not an accumulated total lol), I can tell you with some authority that people change in a marriage. Sometimes change is not for the better, sometimes it is. But, people change, grow, mature, develop different interests. Not only that, but people, partners, get sick, suffer all sorts of maladies throughout their lives. What may turn a person into godzilla one year, will have him/her totally turned around and different the following year.

You only know what you have when you marry, or should know, pretty well. Much of being married is loving a person when they are well, and things are going good, and loving a person when they are sick, or have screwed up, and things aren't going well. We ALL screw up. We ALL change.

When a couple allows problems to pile up, unresolved, all of a sudden it is a roaring inferno, where not that long ago, it was just a spark. You have to WORK at resolving issues, especially the hard ones that are life changing. Things come out of the blue, partners cheat, partners stop taking showers every day, partners develop gambling addictions, partners spin out of control, crash cars, act inappropriately, embarrass you, etc. etc. etc.

That is what being human is, and that is what you can EXPECT when you are married, to some degree. Conformity to what you think they should be, or behave, is nieve, unrealistic, and impossible. You work with what you have, and together you deal with the problems. Together. There is never a time to take inventory and decide that there is more wrong with your partner than right, therefore you can justify bailing out of the marriage.

If you want success, you need to work at it, and work hard.

I don't see that after just a few years of being married, that you will ever, ever get to 33 years like I have, and have a smile on your face for doing what you needed to do to make your marriage a success, rather than a failure.

[s_cianci]

I agree with Jesushelper's point of view. And I have a couple of problems with your whole story. First of all, you claim that

please note that I did not know about any of this before I married my husband. He put on the best act ever I believe to get me to say "I Do".

Well, I'm sorry, but that's a crock of bull. There's no way that you didn't notice his ADD, if he really has it, before you were married. ADD isn't something you just "get." It manifests itself in early childhood and is a lifelong problem. There are medications to treat it and it often requires some experimenting to find the right medication and the right dosage. It's treatable but not curable. But he didn't just suddenly come down with it after saying "I do." Secondly, you make him sound almost like an incompetent child:

He does not take care of himself. He will only brush his teeth before bed if I urge him to do so. He will not work out unless I insist upon it. He will not cook a meal for himself or for me. He does not do his own laundry. He is not capable of coordinating a decent outfit. Some days he does not even shower. He is lazy. Bordering upon being a slob really.

Yet, despite all of this, he's a successful businessman and, by your own admission, providing you with quite a comfortable living. Well, I fail to see how he can be so successful at business if he really has all the issues you claim he has. Anxiety about flying maybe, that's normal enough and not really a big deal as far as your marriage is concerned. But I honestly think you're exaggerating when it comes to everything else.