Ask Me Help Desk - Should I leave my husband?

I have been married for 9 years and been with my husband for 10. I have two children and he has two other children from a previous marriage. I really need your help to clear my mind. I am having huge problems with my husband and the stepson who lives with us. First of all this child was sprung on me without any warning in the guise of him coming over for a vacation. Well the vacation has turned into6 years of hell for me. My husband and his son treat me as an outsider and make major decisions without my inpur. e.g. purchasing a new car. He is constantly putting me down and making jokes about hot fat I am and calling me nag when I call him out on it. He allows his son to disrespect me and never does anything about it. He has even turned around and blamed me for arguments started by his son. I am an immigrant in this country and I really do not know what to do or where to go fro help if I were to leave him. I have been unable to work due to one of my sons being disabled. Should I stay with this man or should I find a way out? If I do how do I go about it? Can anybody with a similar experience tell me how they managed to leave a situaton like this. I cannot afford to go back to my own country as I have absolutely no money and my relatives are to poor to help. Please give me some suggestions and help me out of this trap.

Your husband is abusing you emotionally as well as financially. There are women's groups that will help you. If your son is disabled there is government funding that will help you for his disability. You can also get help with medical, food and housing through Aid for dependent children. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) - Break the silence, make the call. Give the phone numbers on here a try... they have translators available. They should also be able to provide you with government numbers to help you get aid. Good Luck

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Originally Posted by haleah

I have been married for 9 years and been with my husband for 10. I have two children and he has two other children from a previous marriage. I really need your help to clear my mind. I am having huge problems with my husband and the stepson who lives with us. First of all this child was sprung on me without any warning in the guise of him coming over for a vacation. well the vacation has turned into6 years of hell for me. My husband and his son treat me as an outsider and make major decisions without my inpur. eg purchasing a new car. he is constantly putting me down and making jokes about hot fat I am and calling me nag when I call him out on it. He allows his son to disrespect me and never does anything about it. He has even turned around and blamed me for arguments started by his son. I am an immigrant in this country and I really do not know what to do or where to go fro help if I were to leave him. I have been unable to work due to one of my sons being disabled. should I stay with this man or should I find a way out? If I do how do I go about it? Can anybody with a similar experience tell me how they managed to leave a situaton like this. I cannot afford to go back to my own country as I have absolutely no money and my relatives are to poor to help. Please give me some suggestions and help me out of this trap.

Wow, sounds like you feel quite trapped. My first thought is that you should leave him. But, if you must stay home from work to care for your son that may not be the best thing to do. In the meantime, you are being verbally abused. My first husband did that to me. I left, and left our 5 year old child with him. That was really stupid.

Educate yourself about verbal abuse. Read about it until you can see clearly what is his "stuff", his son's "stuff" and where your fault lies. We all have faults, we're human. Learn why they put you down. There is the very slight possibility that they think it's funny or OK to be mean to you. They may need to be educated by you! Tell them that it hurts.

Probably the best thing to do at the moment would be to find a psychotherapist, or counselor who you can talk to. She can help you to see the situation more clearly because she isn't being hurt by it. The two of you can plan a strategy of how to let them know that what they're doing is not OK.

You deserve respect! What you look like has no bearing on your worth! How you treat others does. My only word of caution is to never, ever, behave as badly as they do. Treat them with respect. Then demand it for yourself.

Haleah,

Please, take a moment and look into a mirror. Do you see a human being's image reflected back at you? Do you see a woman looking back at you?

I'm going to take a wild stab and say the answer to both questions is yes. Now, please understand that when you were born on this earth of ours, you joined humanity just like the rest of us. You are entitled to be treated with dignity and respect! No exceptions!

May I suggest that the next time sunny boy starts up with attitude, look at his father and remind him that his son is behaving like a spoiled infant and that he is responsible because he allows and actually condones this behavior then leave the room.

If what ever you asked the PIA, is not done, like put out the trash or clean the kitchen, do not do it yourself, you are not their slave. Leave the work unfinished. When either your husband or sunny boy raises a complaint, point to the father and remind him that you asked the boy to help you and his father allowed the child to refuse. So the problem now belongs to the father and he can either do it himself or instruct the boy to do the chore. You don't care because hubby decided to allow the boys refusal and subsequent behavior.

Please, protect yourself. Do not allow yourself to struck by either father or son. If you are attacked, go to the phone and call the police. If either of them go to your infant pick up the phone and dial 911. Do not allow this behavior to intimidate you. Be firm with them and yourself.

If you believe the above instructions are to dangerous to implement, leave the house with your children and follow Bushg's instructions and find a shelter for you and your children then turn Social Services and the Police loose to do what they are trained to do.

There is no reason on this good earth for you to be allowing yourself to be a target!

I want to thank evryone who replied for their good advise and encouragement. I called the domestic violence hot line and they have provided me with some steps to take in order to leave him and be able to take care of my son alone. Any more advised will be graetly appreciated . You all don't know how reaching out to someone even on the internet makes a difference.

I am so happy you made that call. These people will be by your side through out the whole process. Do not turn any of their help away. Stand Strong, he will try to make you think your crazy and he did nothing to make you want to leave. He may say that you are just being to sensitive. Listen to your inner vioce, you do what is best for you and your son. Good Luck