Should I leave my husband?
Hi,
I have been really confused recently and was hoping that somebody would be able to give me some advice. I've been married for 2 years but have been with my husband for 10 years. He was my first serious boyfriend and first person that I slept with. My husband is a good man and he is very much in love with me. In fact, you can say that his whole life is devoted to me and I am the most important thing to him. I on the other hand don't feel the same way about him. I have known all along that my feelings towards him were not as strong as his towards me but I thought that was just 'me' and that I wasn't capable of being 'in love' with somebody on a deep and meaningful level. I married him because I thought it was the 'sensible' and 'expected' thing to do, because we've been together for so long, because he was a good man, because our friends and families 'expected' us to get married, because my biological clock was ticking (I'm 31 now) and I wanted to have children and knew he would be a great father etc etc. I never really questioned the nature of our relationship until recently.
Things got abit complicated when I became very close to a male colleague at work. We've known each other for 3 years and was always very good friends. But one night when I saw him speak to another girl, I found myself becoming very upset and jealous and when I questioned why I was feeling like that, I realised that it was because I had feelings for him. I later discovered that he also had feelings for me and has done so for a long time but never told me because he felt it was inappropriate seeing that I was in a relationship. Needless to say, the inevitable happened and we ended up sleeping together. It was never supposed to happen again but of course that is easier said than done. We ended up having a brief affair.
Anyway, I decided to end the affair and quit that job to try and make my relationship with my husband work. I felt that I owed it to him to give our marriage a proper go. I haven't seen this other guy although we speak online from time to time. My problem now is that I can't seem to get him out of my mind. I think about him ALL THE TIME and I find myself wishing that I was with him. Things with my husband hasn't really changed. I mean he's still good to me and loves me dearly but my feelings towards him hasn't changed. I just can't seem to reciprocate the feelings and I think this makes him more clingy which makes me feel suffocated. I have come to realise that I am not 'in love' with my husband and probably have never been. I mean I care for him but all I feel is responsibility and obligation. On the other hand, this other guy makes me feel alive and excited, and when I'm with him, I feel passion and intimacy. I'm really in a quandry as to what to do. My heart is telling me one thing but my head is telling me another. I really don't want to hurt my husband because I know he would be completely heart broken if I left him. He is oblivious to our problems and thinks everything is fine. I would value your advice.