[Rocket2Me]

Hi, I'm a 26 year old male from the USA. I have an older brother (2 years and 1 day to be exact). Ever since I can remember my brother wasn't just mean, he was abusive, violent, degrading. From childhood I remember for no reason he would hit me or beat me and say terrible things. He would constantly call me, " Gay, Fag, Homo, Stupid, Retarded." and other things that hurt my feelings tremendously. He would choke me up against walls until I passed out, I would hear things move in my throat. I always helped my brother when he needed it. I would loan him money when he needed it, never being paid back. He would tell people at school that he knew (we attended different schools) to hate me, or pick on me, which they did. I had a brother from hell.

As we got older, our fights were always instigated by him usually over the smallest thing. He never believes me, or thinks that I know anything of value. He thinks that I am socially awkward (yet he won't make phone calls because he's afraid of talking to people). My mother and my brother never got along, he would always start fights with her, and myself, driving us to the breaking point, he'd run away, he's broken things in the house, breaks rules, would never do any chores or help around the house, he'd leave dirty dishes and glasses in his bedroom until they grew mold. He would beat me after school, toss all of my belongings out of my bedroom window on to the lawn. Tie me up and throw me in a closet for half an hour or so. He would break doors, punch walls, punch me. I was always a good kid, always polite, quiet, easy going, and had to deal with his mental illness. He was never diagnosed with any disorder because he wouldn't go to counseling or anything. I believe he is bipolar and has anger management problems. He drinks heavily, has gone through more cars from drinking and driving, more cell phones from breaking them.

He always disrespected my mother. My father passed away when we were 10 and 12. Which I believe he held against my mother... like if it were her fault. (he died of brain cancer) she did everything for him, to the point of spoiling him just to keep him happy and less volatile. Recently my mother had a heart attack, my brother was not in contact for 4 years prior. No Merry Christmas calls\texts no happy birthdays no cards, gifts, NOTHING. Until I told him she had a heart attack. I told him I planned on visiting her to take care of her, he decided to come as well. He had never visited my mother in her new home in another state. He always called her dumb and stupid and selfish. (she's really the exact opposite). While visiting he would hug her, kiss her, hold her, rub her back, cuddle up to her on the couch. The whole time I look on in disbelief and disgust. For all the 26 years of abuse and negativity and nastiness all of a sudden it was as if they had been best friends for years. I can't bare to even look at him, I hate the sound of his voice. For years I was the only one who would be around my mother, we have a very nice relationship as mother and son. But, this really is disgusting, he basically is using this heart attack as a guilt trip, a free ticket. Like he was the best son of his life. I know this is guilt on his part.

While visiting, he brought up a family wedding that I did not attend, using this as leverage, calling me an all sorts of names and selfish. He asked me if I couldn't have a guest at his wedding (hypothetical wedding) if I would attend, after the recent wedding where I was told I couldn't bring my best friend of 15 years but other family members could bring their brand new girlfriends of 1 week or 2 months or whatever, I told him absolutely not and that I was his brother and I should be allowed to bring whomever I wanted. He said it was unforgivable, I'm an , a jerk and he wished I was dead and or that my mother wasn't sick but I was. This really hurt my feelings as you could imagine. I was torn to bits. He started a similar fight while out to lunch with my mother. She told us to both stop, which I did, however he kept going muttering insults and hurtful things under his breath. He upset my mother to the point where she had an angina attack needing to take a nitroglycerin tablet. I left the table, visibly shaken to have a cigarette. Mom knew I was upset.

My brother started again a day later when I told my mother what had happened with the I wish you were dead thing, she spoke to him and he agreed he would apologize. I was cooking dinner for all of us when a neighbor stopped by, while my mother and her were talking, I continued to cook dinner, my brother then pokes me and says, " Stop fighting with me" this took me by surprise when I had not been the instigator.. ummm. EVER!. The way in which he said it was as if he he were telling me authoritatively rather than apologetically. I told him, that's not how you apologize, he started again with the hurtful things, to which I replied, " Stop talking to me." "I don't want you to talk to me", " Leave Me alone" he continued with the same attitude and continued to start a fight... while telling me to stop fighting with him... (backwards right? ) . Now, after all these years I'm the one who has many hobbies, I have a FANTASTIC one of a kind job. I play several instruments professionally, vocally perform at concerts. I know that this is all originating with him. He is the instigator, but somehow every time he starts a fight with me it's my fault too? I have even stopped talking to him because what he's done and he still finds something to start a fight with me about.

I feel that having both of us down here is causing more harm than good. I know that my mother didn't want him to come down, but just me, but she can't tell her other son no. I have asked of the help of a friend who is a psychiatrist who agrees that this is all him, and I have done nothing wrong. It's amazing how much one person can be so negative, and dare I say.. Evil. He has never done 1 (one) nice thing for me.. EVER... not a one. I am starting to believe that the only thing left to do is completely ignore him. Not tell him anything, not to talk to him, not attend any family event where he is. This is the exact opposite of what I could want. I want a brother who is loving and kind, and understanding, and accepting, but I just can't have that with him. It seems that I have no other option than to just forget he exists, he causes more damage than anything. I can honestly say that I.. HATE... My "brother" with every fraction of my being now. He has ruined any chance of having a normal relationship with me. I have no space in my life for such people. I am doing far better with my life's endeavor than he could ever possibly imagine, which is why I believe he says so many hateful things.. Jealousy. I honestly am done. I have given him many many many chances. But I'm just done. I can't be subjected to his garbage anymore.

What can I do to stand up for myself without murdering him?? Does anybody else have a similar situation that they have been through with their brother from hell? Is this a mental illness on his part? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[tickle]

Sounds like he does have some kind of problem. Can you not just move away on your own to distance yourself from his harassment ? After all, if you are professionally secure and 26. Why not ?

It does not make any sense for me to suggest getting him help. He would probably not accept that idea from you.

[talaniman]

You have the solution, just do it and leave the fool alone.

I am starting to believe that the only thing left to do is completely ignore him. Not tell him anything, not to talk to him, not attend any family event where he is. This is the exact opposite of what I could want. I want a brother who is loving and kind, and understanding, and accepting, but I just can't have that with him. It seems that I have no other option than to just forget he exists, he causes more damage than anything.

[lolpop701]

Maybe accepting you don't have a kind, loving or accepting brother is a good start. And you're right getting some space from him is definitely a good thing to do, you do not need this hurt and negativity in your life, no one does. But I feel maybe not attending family events where he is may be taking it too far as you deserve a family too.

Try as hard as you can not to let him bother you, take a step back and some space away from him, and don't let him into your life. But don't make it so you miss out on family, you need them they're important.

[Oliver2011]

You know if I go up to the neighbor's dog daily and the dog bites me, I stop going up to the neighbor's dog. Likewise if every time I switch on my 1970's lava lamp it shocks,I stop switching it on. Therefore stop all communication with the jerk until he grows up and behaves like a good little boy. And that may never happen.