[ThisNewLife]

I know this question comes up a lot, but each scenario is a little bit different. I am not looking for people to tell me to break up, because that imply's that I do not value my partners feelings or my relationship enough to put in some work. My partner has deep-rooted issues with weight- His father cheated on his mother because she let herself go and it resulted in a nasty divorce this past year. It is a very recent wound and he no longer has a relationship with his father because of it.
My guy is a very stand alone type, he built himself up and he has amazing self control and is extremely smart. He's a very handsome all american type and I am a slightly overweight young woman with a pretty face. There is a 10 year age difference between us.
The problem with my weight started immediately in our relationship, 1 month in we broke up because he told me if I was thin we'd be married already. The break-up was resolved and ended with him putting an ultimatum for me to loose 20 lbs in 3 months or it was over. I exercised, but I did not lose any weight, 2 years later and it's the same situation. He's made it clear that although he loves me our relationship is at a standstill until I look good in a bikini.

My problem is not in losing weight itself, I am motivated and dieting working with a trainer, the problem I need help with is communication. He thinks he knows everything about how I should be eating, he makes harsh comments about how I look, restricts compliments and criticizes everything I eat. He says I should be hungry all the time, so I know I am losing. I have told him clearly that I am committed to losing (he doesn't believe me because of 2 years failure to do so) and I have asked him to cool it on the comments. He's a negatively inclined person who is honest to a fault- so it's a constant stream of negative put downs. He doesn't realize how harsh he comes across, because in his mind he is being truly honest and doesn't understand how that can be seen as bad. I value his input and his feelings but I cannot keep listening to the constant negativity. Apart from the comments about food, weight, clothes etc. He has a facination with women, in general he makes 5-10 comments a day about other women. Once we went to a festival and he couldn't hold a conversation with me because there were pretty girls around.I trust him completely and I know he would not cheat on me, that's not a worry however It annoys me to the point that I have considered breaking up with him to let him chase fluzzy's and get it out of his system. He hides behind vague generalizations like "all guys look at other women" "All men want thin wives in bikinis" "all guys this.. all guys that.." I clearly think that is BULL.

I do not know how to communicate with him in a way that will make him understand. I have tried every avenue- email, writing, talking, crying, screaming, analogies, threats, deals, rewards.

How can I break through his wall of negativit? I'm fearful that I will lose the weight, and then something new will become the focus or the reason we're not moving forward. I want to lose the weight, I deserve to see what the result will be. I owe it to myself to remove the one obstacle that is "impeding" our relationship- so that I will do. But the underlying issue of communication, negativity, the wandering eye and shallowness needs to be addressed.

Any advice?

[Fr_Chuck]

Sorry not the advice you wanted but what YOU NEED TO HEAR

This is HIS problem, you need to communicate to him to shut up. You need to explain that you are not his mom and he is not his dad.

If he is telling you that he is like his dad and will leave you if you gain weight you need to know it now.

You need to tell him to get counseling for HIS problem and leave you alone

[Wondergirl]

Yes, once you lose the weight something new will come up -- your nose will be too long or your hair is the wrong color or your clothes are too sexy so you can no longer leave the house at all unless he has made sure you are dressed "correctly" and are with him.

No, his father did not cheat on his mother because of her weight. Was his father as controlling with his mother as he is with you? Who actually filed for divorce?

Reread your post. I hope by the time you finish reading, you will run away from this guy and never look back. No, you cannot trust him, and yes, he will cheat on you because, in his eyes, you will never be "good enough."

[smearcase]

This will most likely be an issue for as long as you are together. You have a tough decision to make. Can you endure this criticism for the rest of your life not to mention the other "faults" that may crop up? Find someone who will accept you for what you are. Most people I know (including me) can lose weight but gravitate back at some point.