[jczymbor]

My husband and I have been married for 4 years and with a blended family. The mother left the children 3 years ago and has not been around since. My question is since we have been together 5years now the youngest boy has always been something we always fight about. He treat the other two boy and a girl so different lets him get away with whatever he wants if his grades are bad doesn't care but won't let other two do anything till they are back up, lies to me all the time about everything and he does nothing about this. I told hime we need to see a family counselor but said no he won't go and when I try to talk to him he just ignores me like Im not there. My husband and I usually get along really good unless its something that involves the youngest boy and I try to stick up for the other 2 and it gets us into a HUGE fight. Please Help

[Fr_Chuck]

So you start going to the family, and take the kids if the couselor wants them.

[Jake2008]

I'm a bit confused. I count four children, not three.

Is the boy you are talking about his son with you?

If so, how old are the other three children.

[jczymbor]

There are a total of 6 kids 3 are his 16,15,14 and the 14 is the one I am talking about the others are 9,7 mine and we have a 2 year old together

[Jake2008]

You sure have your hands full jczymbor. Three teens alone is enough to pull your hair out.

One of the things that strikes me is that it has only been three years since the addition of the older teens. You were married only four years, and you had three kids added to the household after only one year.

I think counselling is a good idea for several reasons. The kids probably have some 'issues' with their mother abandoning them, and maybe the 14 year old is beginning to act out, or you are seeing some problems between him and his father because of it. Your husband may be overwhelmed, and resentful, whether he can see it or admit it, is something you may not see from him. Not all relationships are peaches and cream, maybe they clash for some reason, one or the other is more, or too, outspoken. It is hard to say without seeing this in action so to speak.

I would attend counselling if it were me. These huge fights you speak of; anger almost always masks fear, or insecurity. This clash with the one son is affecting everyone in the household. Get help on how to mediate without taking sides, and escalating the fight by taking sides. There are many advantages to everyone in the household to learn how to establish communication, solve problems, and deal with conflicts when they come up without turning the house upside down.

Because you are mediating now, it is to your advantage to do that more effectively. An impartial third party experienced with blended families, and the conflict that causes can really make a difference. This particular impasse, I think, is going to require some work by your husband as well, and when he sees you going to counselling, he will probably go too.

Do you have time with just your husband? I know with a housefull, it's not easy, but if he is going days not talking to you because of these fights, he needs to be heard. See if you can't arrange to get him out of the house, even out for coffee, just the two of you. Then enjoy the luxury of being together, without the kids, and re-connect with him. Try to do that regularly. If he knows that he will have time with you, just you, once a week, much of what he's thinking and feeling will work itself out, away from the house.

What I'm getting at mainly is communication with him, instead of leaving things unresolved, and adding problem after problem. He may be feeling lost in having his needs met too, with the focus on the one teen. Maybe he feels you don't back him up, or understand what or why he does or thinks what he does. Just spend time with him, quiet time, and he may surprise you with what he has to say. I know my husband when the kids were small, didn't talk much. It turned out that it wasn't that he didn't have anything to say, but that I just never made time for him.

You sound like a good person and a great mom to me. If you can get into counselling for some guidance in how to establish some ground rules about fighting and arguing, and also spend some time alone with your husband, that is a good start. All too easy to get bogged down in just day to day living, but I think it will be worth the effort.

[jczymbor]

Thanks for all the advice and I would love to do family counseling but he don't so maybe I need to go alone. We got custody of the kids 3mos after we were married so that was hard on us especially with there mother leaving them and him not wanting to put them in counseling which I think they should have with her leaving them. Him and I have a lot of time alone when he got custody I quit working and he now wrks out of home having his own business so were are together all the time but when it comes down to all this or any kind of fight he never wants to talk about it and then the next fight just adds on like you said. But I am going to start the counseling cause I really need someone to talk to.

We recently moved so we are and hour and half from my friends who I could use and family. That was hard on the kids also and none of them wanted to move either. Thanks for listening to me. And yes I look at myself as a great mom who just took in 3 kids and total responsibility for them and doing everything around here and taking everywhere doctor,dentist,school etc.Thanks again

[Jake2008]

I can barely get a grip on what your life must be like to keep up with it all. I really do appreciate that you have taken on probably the biggest challenge of your life.

I'm glad that you are going to attend counselling. Face to face really, really helps.

The suggestion to go out with your husband- I hope you will consider that too. Especially with him working at home, and you working at home. Even for an hour once a week, just the two of you. Time goes by so fast. Try not to fall into the trap of having nothing to talk about except the kids.

All the best of luck jczymbor, I hope you'll stop in again and let us know how it all went for you.

Remember to take care of yourself too.

[jczymbor]

Thank You