[Cam20374]

I'm feeling very lonely and confused. I recently discovered my boyfriend watches porn. We've been together for over 2 1/2 years. Sex in the beginning was great, I felt liberated, had been in a previous relationship for 20 years. The last 9 months I have noticed the intimacy, the desire my boyfriend once had for me isn't there as much. The amount of sex we have has reduced as well. I want more, but at the moment it's twice a week. Sometimes 3. I only discovered he watches porn early this year. I was completely distraught, I don't think some of you guys realise how it can make us women feel :( anyway, I've got my head around it and now think if I'm not around, and if he wishes you watch, fake, silicon and surgically enhanced vaginas then so be it... However what I can't help feeling is my sex life with him is lacking in intimacy, it's a case of just getting down to the big 'o'! Apart from my mouth, my p***y and sometimes my back the rest of my body goes untouched! I get turned on very easily, so I get quite wet, he blames this for him not being able to feel anything and losing his erection, he prefers anal. I'm guessing this is due to all the master-bating he does . My question is about the lack of intimacy, is this due to all the porn he watches ? I do feel like we always just f*** and not make love! Also, should I be concerned that he watches porn to get horny before having sex with me ? It's not a great feeling knowing your guy is having to look at other P***y to have sex with you. I'm 39, he's 46. He tells me he loves me all the time, but sometimes love isn't enough. I adore him and honestly think I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. His best buddy told me this too and thinks he should stop thinking he's 25 and have his cake and eat it! I'd really like guys views, especially if this has happened to you.

[talaniman]

Once the bodies have cooled are the minds in synch? Doesn't sound like it. I doubt he just started watching porn the last few month either.

Have you talked? Guys see little difference between porn and golf, or baseball. Would you be as threatened by baseball too? Strange when the sex slows down (2/3 times a week?) you discover he watches porn. Yeah its got to be the porn, no way could it be something else!!

[Fr_Chuck]

I agree, he has been watching porn all along from day one. ( my opinion) but most likely you will never know the truth or even how much he watches, while your words say you are "gotten around this" no you have not. It is just something many men do.

I am trying to guess ages. If you were with someone else 20 years. I would assume he is perhaps in his 50s ?

But for a couple who have jobs and a life outside the bedroom, 3 times a week is not that bad. Few couples keep up the same amount of sex they were doing after 5 or 6 months.

I will go there on this, if you get extremely wet, it may be harder for him to keep his erection, but he may be able to change positions and find one where he is still rubbing more.

It is not uncommon for guys to like to finish with anal or oral because it is often tighter.

** this is based on what I hear other men say, not any science studies

[CravenMorhead]

I'm feeling very lonely and confused. I recently discovered my boyfriend watches porn. We've been together for over 2 1/2 years.

$100 says he has been doing it long before you got together and afterwards.

Sex in the beginning was great, I felt liberated, had been in a previous relationship for 20 years. The last 9 months I have noticed the intimacy, the desire my boyfriend once had for me isn't there as much. The amount of sex we have has reduced as well. I want more, but at the moment it's twice a week. Sometimes 3.

Welcome to coupled life. The honeymoon period is when you are like rabbits and then it reduces down to a slower rate. It isn't being unsatisfied or uninterested it is just the true libidos coming out.

I only discovered he watches porn early this year. I was completely distraught, I don't think some of you guys realise how it can make us women feel :( anyway, I've got my head around it and now think if I'm not around, and if he wishes you watch, fake, silicon and surgically enhanced vaginas then so be it...

Why do you unload your body issues on your man? Honestly? You'll never look like a porn star, he knows this and is okay with it. He doesn't want you to look like a porn star, he wants to make love to you. You don't understand men, their arousal cycle, and why they masturbate. You believe that they work the same way as women and this is a trap that a lot of women fall into. First of all men are visual creatures and like to look at women. They don't even have to be naked. It is the seed of thought, that little bit of fantasy for them when they masturbate. We're not doing this because we don't want to have sex with our mates but because we want a private moment to clear the tubes so to speak. It is a moment when we don't have to be concerned with anyone but ourselves. Think of it as a quick bubble bath, or dark chocolate bar, or cold beer after a hard day's work.

More this a little later.

However what I can't help feeling is my sex life with him is lacking in intimacy, it's a case of just getting down to the big 'o'! Apart from my mouth, my p***y and sometimes my back the rest of my body goes untouched! I get turned on very easily, so I get quite wet, he blames this for him not being able to feel anything and losing his erection, he prefers anal. I'm guessing this is due to all the master-bating he does .

Now why do you think this? Each person has their preferences and some men loves the butts. Chances are he's a butt man. Doesn't much care for breasts but things a nice a$$ is just nice. Which is probably why he doesn't give your boobs any attention. Have you talked to him about this? I'm a boob man and I have had a few women tell me that they're more than just breast meat. Oops.

Now, depending on how he does it, masturbation can have an effect on performance but not as you suggested. The over production of vaginal lubrication shouldn't have any affect on sex save for who gets the wet spot in the end. The problem here might be how he is masturbating. If he's used to a specific stimulation pattern than anything different could lead to lack of arousal. This is especially true if he uses the death grip on his penis. This means that he's grabbing tight and giving it hard stimulation. This is something that is a big no-no because it usually means that the woman needs to have this type of stimulation to get him off if he's trained himself like this. Which is probably why he likes your back door. This is probably the closest mimic he has to his hand.

There's a cure to this problem of course and that is that he needs to open up when he's masturbating. Notice how I said not to stop masturbating. His grip should be no more than thumb to finger, it shouldn't overlap. Over time this will train him out of that requirement for masturbating. Maybe take your butt on the table during this rehab as well.

My question is about the lack of intimacy, is this due to all the porn he watches ?

No. This is a problem between both of you. You could not be displaying a lot if intimacy and he could be as well. It also depends on what you're calling intimacy. How is it outside of the bed room? Kissing? Hugging? That sort of stuff. The non-naked but equally important intimacy.

I do feel like we always just f*** and not make love! Also, should I be concerned that he watches porn to get horny before having sex with me ?

This is just inconsiderate on his part. It is showing that he might not be into you. This is a hard question because I don't know why he's watching the porn here.

[CravenMorhead]

It's not a great feeling knowing your guy is having to look at other P***y to have sex with you. I'm 39, he's 46. He tells me he loves me all the time, but sometimes love isn't enough. I adore him and honestly think I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. His best buddy told me this too and thinks he should stop thinking he's 25 and have his cake and eat it! I'd really like guys views, especially if this has happened to you.

You might be the best thing to happen to him, but he's not the best thing that has happened to you. You're right that love isn't enough and most relationships, friendships included, have a best before date and you might have just reached yours with him. The problem here I think is that he's got a specific way he needs to make love. It isn't the best in my opinion but that's just me. I am a avid user of porn but it isn't a requirement for sex for me. That is me, not him.

I honestly don't think that porn's the issue here. There is something different and deeper. The porn is just what pops to mind because it is taboo, misunderstood, and easily used as a scape goat. As well very little porn these days is this surgically over enhanced crap. Educate yourself if you wish.

Talk to him and see what is going on with him. Ignore the porn for now. If you're serious and want to save this relationship than you might want to talk to a couples counsellor.

[smoothy]

Ooooooooooooooooooo He watches porn. GASP! What next... sports programing? World Series, Superball, March madness (Forgot to mention, the sarcasm font is engaged)


By the way... the new meat excitement wears off right about this point in a relationship, sometimes a little sooner, sometimes a little later.

Incidentally, by the late 20's... guys discover there are other things to life than just sex. He's 46... he's more inclined to a brisk walk around central park, than 3 or 4 50 yard dashes every day.

Also he's likely got far more responsibility at work than at 20... which is mentally exhausting, and if he's got a physical job... its going to take a lot more ou of him than it did at 20.

If you are giving him crap about watching porn (after you've probably made him sit through umpteen chick flicks) it's a massive turnoff. Want a quick way to put a guy off... start acting like his mom. A 20 year old guy might put up with it for a while... you average older guy doesn't have a lot of tolerance for it at all.

Also as was mentioned... far too many porn actresses are surgically enhanced... and why amateur and MILF porn is so popular... most guys actually like some imperfections. Also... You might have a Ferrari in the Garage... it doesn't mean he's not going to look at other cars in magazines or on video.

There is a HUGE difference between watching Motorweek or Top Gear on TV, and running down to the dealer to take test drives, or buy one.

[backpack2389]

I can entirely understand you're feelings of lacking intimacy. If he's watching porn to get aroused and then having sex with you from a position where he's behind you, is there ever a point where you two are looking at each others' faces or making any eye contact? Incorporating more 'FaceTime' during sex might be a good place to start infusing intimacy.

Regarding the negative feelings triggered by the pornography, I can understand the gut reaction to that too. It doesn't matter how much you can try to see it from his perspective as "just something else you do during the day" that you enjoy, helps you relax, etc. It can still make you feel inadequate, unattractive, or however you're feeling. But, instead of focusing on how/why he does things, it might put the situation in perspective better to examine your own views and habits. Do you fantasize about other men? Do you ever masturbate? After getting into my own little funk about my husband's porn use, I started thinking about similar things I do. I'm not a chick flick person but I do see a handsome man on the street and think, "I wonder what he'd be like in bed?" That thought is not at all caused by any inadequacies in my husband. It's just that I encountered an attractive person and that's the thinking that got triggered. Men are (usually) more sexually aggressive because of their higher testosterone levels and what women may think, men will do (such as seek out pornography). This is enhanced by society where male sexuality is encouraged in many way that include a bombardment of sexual images and messages (whereas women often get the opposite message).

Point being there is a lot at play here and I don't think 99.9% of it has much to do with anything you're doing - you're just stuck with the effects. So don't be down on yourself for no reason, do your best to fix it. Along those lines, I think incorporating more communication and eye contact in sex, loosening his grip so that he can enjoy a wider variety of positions, and reducing/removing porn from sex are all helpful suggestions. Sex is a time for the two of you to be together and porn is for time when you want to do something just for you. Selfishness and intimacy don't really go hand in hand.