[crazymind]

Hi!

Well I am a 2nd year engineering student and a very introverted person. While I was in school I had this girl classmate living close to my house and we had a tuition class together at her place and that’s when I grew close to her. I don’t know if she liked me or not but she used to discuss everything with me and we used to chat a lot daily. I was about to confess my feeling for her but just before it was about to happen she told me she had a boyfriend whom she met online and is with him for 2 years. I couldn’t bear that and became isolated for a long time.

She also told that she is a one man's woman and that in spite of having never met her boyfriend ever and knowing that he looks ugly and weighs 90 kgs she will always be with him. Well then she went to college and I went to a different college and we could never contact each other and whenever I asked her why she never phoned me she would always bring out a lame excuse. 1 year later I met her and she told me that she broke up a week ago and that’s when I confessed my feelings. She denied saying she didn’t feel that way for me and we got on with our lives. It was very hard for me but she remains unperturbed.

Later via one of my best friend I met a girl in my college who happened to be weak in computer science (the subject I had classes with the previous girl at her home) so I helped her. I never was attracted to her because I felt the cycle will again go around. Then came a 2 month vacation where we used to chat for hours and I kind of got obsessed with her. But when the college reopened I saw that she hangs out with other guys most of the time and hold their hands and all. This made me sick.

Now I want to focus on myself but I can’t stop thinking about her even though I don’t like her. Please help me.

[JennaC]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like your self-induced isolation has made you unaware of the appropriate behaviors of dating girls and the like. For instance, why does it "make you sick" if she's holding someone else's hand? She's not your girlfriend, you haven't gotten up the nerve to ask her out on a date so you don't have any right to get jealous. Now, before you get defensive, just hear me out. I think you need to find a confidence-building hobby. Something as simple as playing intramural soccer, martial arts (my boyfriend is an introverted computer guy and recommended this) or something to bring you out of your shell. This in turn will help you build your confidence up, because it seems like this is the root of your problem. You're becoming fixated on girls that pay any attention to you at all because you have low self-esteem. I'm not saying this to insult you, I'm just saying that this is what it sounds like. I used to be really insecure and tried to date any guy that paid attention to me until I started doing a lot of social activities in university; this built up my confidence and now I have lots of guy friends. I hope this advice helps.

P.S. What's wrong with weighing 90kgs? My brother is a weight lifter and weighed 100kgs! :P

[joypulv]

Can you please elaborate on what ' I never was attracted to her because I felt the cycle will again go around' means to you? Do you mean that you were afraid that it would be just like the last girl?
If you are a brilliant computer scientist, you should know the fallacy in that way of reasoning. There you were, chatting for hours, and yet you never did all the usual little things to let her know you liked her more than just helping her study. 'Let's not study today and go out for lunch' or 'that's a pretty blouse' or 'I love hearing about your childhood.' Instead you anticipated that you would be rejected, AND got jealous unfairly when she hung out with other guys. What's she supposed to do?
I'm not sure 'focusing on yourself' is the answer. You are already introverted in a way that puts too much emphasis on how others think of you without putting some effort into being friendly and interested in the other person. Yes, you need distraction from this obsession, but you need to do so in social settings. Join clubs and groups where there are equal numbers of men and women - theater perhaps. Maybe you'd be the best at the lighting or something, it doesn't matter. The easiest way to get to know someone is to ask them about themselves. What do you like in music, where were you born, do you have siblings, do you get along with your family, where do you see yourself in 10 years. Throw in some compliments too - I enjoy listening to you, you look very nice today.

[crazymind]

The problem is that I don't want to be into all this things till I get a degree and have myself placed somewhere. The last girl thing happened when I was in 12th grade and here (INDIA) the 12th grade marks help you in getting a college so I could have been in a better place. I want to make myself something then get into the dating thing. Moreover here the dating thing is not very common. People do remain single for like 22-23 yrs but the problem is I am not able to focus right now. Evryday it happens that I get to see her somewhere and again my mind runs after her. I want to be strong from inside. What should I do?? Is there an exercise or something to do this?

[crazymind]

Hi there,

It sounds to me like your self-induced isolation has made you unaware of the appropriate behaviors of dating girls and the like. For instance, why does it "make you sick" if she's holding someone else's hand? She's not your girlfriend, you haven't gotten up the nerve to ask her out on a date so you don't have any right to get jealous. Now, before you get defensive, just hear me out. I think you need to find a confidence-building hobby. Something as simple as playing intramural soccer, martial arts (my boyfriend is an introverted computer guy and recommended this) or something to bring you out of your shell. This in turn will help you build your confidence up, because it seems like this is the root of your problem. You're becoming fixated on girls that pay any attention to you at all because you have low self-esteem. I'm not saying this to insult you, I'm just saying that this is what it sounds like. I used to be really insecure and tried to date any guy that paid attention to me until I started doing a lot of social activities in university; this built up my confidence and now I have lots of guy friends. I hope this advice helps.

P.S. What's wrong with weighing 90kgs? My brother is a weight lifter and weighed 100kgs! :P

The problem is that I don't want to be into all this things till I get a degree and have myself placed somewhere. The last girl thing happened when I was in 12th grade and here (INDIA) the 12th grade marks help you in getting a college so I could have been in a better place. I want to make myself something then get into the dating thing. Moreover here the dating thing is not very common. People do remain single for like 22-23 yrs but the problem is I am not able to focus right now. Evryday it happens that I get to see her somewhere and again my mind runs after her. I want to be strong from inside. What should I do?? Is there an exercise or something to do this?

[joypulv]

'Strong from the inside' doesn't mean much without other people - we are a social being.
Please read both our suggestions again, and use them for the strength you are looking for, regardless of wanting to date or not.