[Lilywhite]

I have a problem with one of my co workers and I´m wondering how to resolve it.

He is 45 years old, but seems to be very childish, very isolated (has no friends outside work) and has never been with another person. Sexual relationships scare him and he has told us many times he doesn´t want to be with anybody. He speaks in a loud falsetto voice which is driving me nuts and talks on and on about cars and soft porn movies.

I get together regularly with my co workers and he is always there. He dominates the whole room, speaks about topics we do not like, but although we´ve talked about it, we don´t see how to exclude him. He just comes over and it doesn´t matter if he´ invited or not.

My other friends say we cannot do anything so we try to talk about something else and ignore him. However, I feel really upset. He is always picking on me because I tell him off, so he keeps trying to wind me up. Even if I let it slide, I cannot stand it anymore. I wonder what I can do to give him less power and tune him out.

[Gemini54]

I think that you need to train yourself to tune him out. He'll only bother you if you allow it.

You won't be able to change him - but, you can change your reaction to him. Stop telling him off. Don't respond to any teasing or winding up from him. Don't sit anywhere near him and focus on speaking to other people when he's with the group. If you have to speak to him, make it short and direct.

Most people usually give up and direct their attention elsewhere when they can't get a reaction, so he'll eventually stop. It might just take a while for you to get the hang of tuning him out. Remember, he only annoys you because you allow him to.

[Lilywhite]

Thanks, Gemini.

I do realize it´s my responsibility to let him not bother me.

I have tried to not tell him off when he´s picking on me. It is OK for a few months, then suddenly I get so angry I don´t seem to be able to control myself. It´s like everything I have tried to keep to myself boils over and I go nuts.

I need to change my perspective and train myself not to hold this resentment inside. Any helpful readings I could use for self-help?

[s_cianci]

In this day and age, with all of the different ways to communicate with each other electronically, I'd think there'd be ways you could make plans with your other co-workers without his knowing. You can e-mail or text each other without him ever overhearing your plans. If he comes right out and asks "what are you guys doing tonight?", fib a little and say "nothing." And don't arrive at the pub or whatever immediately after work ; arrange to meet each other 1/2 hour or an hour after work ends ; that way, nobody will drive right to the pub after the shift ends and he won't have a chance to follow anyone there. Everyone has dealt with this sort of person before ; no social skills whatsoever and literally has to force himself on people in order to have any "friends." I know it's a little sneaky and some of your friends might feel guilty for being so deceitful, but what's worse ; being a little sneaky or continually dealing with this guy's shenanigans?

[Gemini54]

Thanks, Gemini.

I do realize it´s my responsability to let him not bother me.

I have tried to not tell him off when he´s picking on me. It is OK for a few months, then suddenly I get so angry I don´t seem to be able to control myself. It´s like everything I have tried to keep to myself boils over and I go nuts.

I need to change my perspective and train myself not to hold this resentment inside. Any helpful readings I could use for self-help?

I imagine there are lots of things that you can read! Go for a Google trip on the internet...

One of the things that my husband does (who is a teacher and has to deal with dozens of annoying personalities a day) is practice 'detachment'. It does take practice, and essentially it comes from the Buddhist teaching of non-attachment. In practice, it means that you are able to observe your feelings and reactions (and those of others) and not be attached to them - rather than judge them, you just observe them and let them go.

The other thing that works for me is to view the annoying person with compassion rather than with anger and see that they are only trying to do the best that they can given their circumstances.

Remember, and this is the hard bit, that if someone annoys you as intensely as this person does - that it's actually something within yourself that you're responding to. The people who give us the most angst are our biggest teachers.

See it as a gift of self discovery. If you can understand and deal with why he pushes your buttons, you'll know yourself so much better.

[Oneoffew]

It sounds to me he is craving attention and isn't used to dealing with normal social interaction Perhaps if you change your reaction to him in a positive way, and try to make him realize the things he is doing is counter acting a positive work environment. Try to befriend him, try to help him through his issues. Kindness will always be much more of a powerful tool than negativity will ever be, if you play it right.

[Lilywhite]

Great advice, thanks.

I did try to befriend him, Oneoffew, but I think he is quite ill with difficult issues. He doesn´t change his clothes, is totally isolated safe from work and just leeches on to everyone who befriends him. He showed us his porn and got mad when I confronted him.

Four people have left work because of him. One of my co workers is trying to find another job because she´s going nuts. I cannot lose my job right now. I´d rather try to practice detachment and I´ve found two books I´ll start reading.

I don´t know what´s in me that makes me lose control. Maybe beacause he´s always picking on me because I told him I didn´t like his porn. I do know something inside me is to blame, and I will try to find out what it is.

I´m not against porn or people with problems. His constant abuse reminds me of being in elementary school where people picked on me because I was French.

[Ren6]

Is he displaying his porn at work? If so, that should be enough to get him fired, I would think. Why should other people be forced to leave the workplace or suffer through working with him? I hope things improve soon...

[Lilywhite]

I just realized why I hate him so much.

It´s because he picks on me like the kids in school did.

He keeps imitating my French accent, makes fun at France every chance he can get and knowing my great uncle was injured during WW2, he keeps talking German and salutes me with "Heil Hitler." Then he smiles: "How is your dear Uncle Frederic"? "Getting a medal for bravery?"

I told him not to do it, because it hurts me so much. That made him just meaner.

[Lilywhite]

Ren, I didn´t see your answer because I was writing the latest reply.

No, he hasn´t displayed porn at work, but he talks constantly about it. He turns up wherever we go and shows us.

It´s not against the law here.

People have talked to him, but he is ill and doesn´t realize what harm he does.

[Gemini54]

Lilywhite, the sort of harassment you're describing is more serious that you initially spoke about. Where do you live (as in what country/state)?

In Australia there are sexual harassment/bullying laws that prohibit porn and harassment at work, and if 4 other people have left because of this guy, then you may have an excellent case against him. The sort of personal attacks you're describing would potentially be held against him even if he is mentally unwell.

Can you speak to your boss? - I think that this is something that senior management should be dealing with as it's affecting the workplace, and I suspect the output of the workers!

I know you said that it's a small workplace, but what you're talking about now goes beyond just being annoying and teasing. Continue with practicing detachment, but I think that this guy needs a shove of some sort - either to do something about his mental health, or to get out of this workplace.

[Lilywhite]

Dear Gemini,

I´m in a country in Scandinavia. I´m half Norwegian, half French and brought up between these two countries.

I didn´t realize until seeking help here, that his picking on me reminded me of being singled out in school. I was harassed as a child for being French and when I did my Uni in France, some people tesed me of being Norwegian. That wasn´t so bad because it was good natured, but I suffered terribly as a child.

I screamed and shouted at the kids who harassed me at school, fought with them and didn´t stop until they stopped. In a situation like that, you either fight back or you´re destroyed. It took many sessions over the years with various therapists to heal it and I thought I had overcome it.

Now I realize it doesn´t go away completely and this guy is bringing those emotions all back.

I talked to a friend of mine this evening who also has problems with him. She told me she had talked to the boss and he told her this guy has probably untreated Aspergen syndrome. He didn´t suggest what to do, but we will talk further.

I will leave too, but good work is not easy to find these days so I won´t be doing that right now.

People have asked him to stop when he goes on about my origins, my Great Uncle and Hitler. He thinks he has done no wrong and few minutes later, he starts again.

I will try to be more detached. Maybe I haven´t gone through all the stages of healing from my childhood nightmare and will be contacting my therapist for an extra session.

[Jake2008]

You are dealing with a really tricky situation here.

Without some sort of company intervention, he is not likely to change. However, you really should let your boss know how seriously he is affecting you, and prepare a letter to him with this information, and request that it be kept on file.

Ask that the boss take some action in talking to this man, and let him know in no uncertain terms that there is a letter on file describing how his behaviour is affecting his co-workers.

Paper trails will back you up should you need a leave of absence, or should this come to a point where you have to miss work because of it.

If you consider that co-workers, all together, cannot stop him from butting in, leaching off everyone, being confrontational, racist, rude, and intolerable, your boss is not likely to do much either, unless he has to.

Harassment in the workplace is now includes bullying here in Canada. It is a very serious issue that has resulted in discipline to offenders, because it is costing companies money to keep good employees, and it is costing them money in sick days and lost production.

You need to see him as an oddball freak. An isolated outcast, a bully, and a person who cannot function socially or intellectually in the workplace. HE is the one out of place here, not you. Who cares that he has problems. Everybody has problems. Why should you make special accommodation for him!

You need to realize that you cannot stop him. He's probably been this way 45 years and dozens have already crossed his path and tried to help him, and all have obviously failed.

He is a person that you need to emotionally protect yourself from. Before you go to work each day, put an invisible cloak of protection around yourself. Create a barrier between you and him. He does not exist, and the negativity he throws your way will bounce off you, and back to him. Keep yourself a distance of at least 20 feet. If he crosses that invisible line, get up and go to the bathroom. If you are in the coffee room and he comes in, you walk out. If he asks you a question, you ignore him. If he shows up at the pub, go home.

You are under no obligation to accept, understand, or try to change this man's behaviour. You are at work to do your job, and nothing more. Your work mates will understand, and will not hold this against you. Maybe they too will make an attempt to keep him at arm's length.

I have experienced people like this over the years, and when you finally realize what they are doing to you, it is time to act.

He will get the hint eventually. Silence is deadly to someone who insists on being heard.

[flayvur]

Lilywhite, there is nonething wrong with you. It's normal to feel the way you do if your being singled out. He has a problem. People who pick on people usually hate themselves so they try and find a problem with everyone around them so that the attention won't be completely on what's wrong with them. Trust me this guy does not like himself. He doesn't get involved with real human people because he's afraid of rejection, so the magazines, internet, soft porn stuff is the easy way for him. He sounds like the typical bully. Never let anyone that you know doesn't like you know what your weakness is. He figured it out because you told him. Now he's using it against you. You truly have to stop responding to those stupid comments he makes. The next time he says something offensive to you like that nazi joke, LAUGH OUT LOUD! Your not laughing at the joke your laughing to keep your joy. This guy sounds like the devil. And the devil hates laughter. Because it's showing him that he's not stealing your joy. Don't give him the power to know he effects you like he does. Pray and ask God to deal with him.

[Ren6]

I just realized why I hate him so much.

It´s because he picks on me like the kids in school did.

He keeps imitating my French accent, makes fun at France every chance he can get and knowing my great uncle was injured during WW2, he keeps talking German and salutes me with "Heil Hitler." Then he smiles: "How is your dear Uncle Frederic"? "Getting a medal for bravery?"

I told him not to do it, because it hurts me so much. That made him just meaner.

Whoa... he's WAY crossing the line. He is a bully, plain and simple. He should be reported for his bullying ways. Please look up some articles about work place bullies and see if any of the stories resonate with you. It's not o.k. for people to behave this way at work If he is ill, he needs to receive treatment for his illness- it's not really an excuse for him. Hang in there, and good luck...

Oh, and Jake is right... your boss absolutely needs to be informed of his behavior, it's effect on you, and the fact that you've asked him to stop.

[Ren6]

Here's a link to one such article... Workplace Bullying 'Epidemic' Worse Than Sexual Harassment | LiveScience

[Lilywhite]

This is a very good article, thank you very much, Ren and thanks to all of you for taking the time to reply.

I´ve discussed his behaviour with my boss many times. I have most of it on e-mail. He is just as irritated as all of us, but it´s tricky to get rid of the man in question. He´s in a fixed position and it is almost impossible to get rid of him. He has gotten many warnings.

As it is likely he has untreated Asperger, he feels no emphathy towards anyone and speaks in this monotone falsetto voice on and on and doesn´t take hints. Many people have complained because of him, but unfair as it is, he will probably stay until the last person leaves.

I will change departments and have started work on how to do so. I will probably stop seeing my friends from work for a while, because we cannot get rid of him short of using physical force. He is always there and he follows us.

I will also try to detach from him and I´m off work for a week. My boss told me to take a break and will talk to him about the racism and give him yet another warning.

Jake, you described excellent defense techniques. I will use them all, but I wonder how to heal my mind now. I am still so angry and I don´t want to be. I want to be free of him, but wonder how that´s possible.

[Jake2008]

I have come across people from time to time that can trigger things that have been dealt with a long, long time ago.

Somehow, that type of person, can make it feel and seem like it just happened 10 minutes ago. You don't see it coming, and the anticipation, knowing that something is coming your way, is a cause of anxiety and expectation, which in itself can cause a lot of stress.

The key is not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You have long ago come to terms with the hurt and pain that is being triggered by this co-worker. All that you have accomplished is not lost, and you won't remain in this emotional place you're in now, and you won't need to start all over again.

That is the positive thing about all of this. You are a stronger person, and you are able to identify what it is about this co-worker that causes you to respond the way you do. You cannot change him, you can only change how you deal with him, and that is from a position of power.

Protect yourself, and take steps to avoid him, just as you said you have done, and are doing. I'm happy that you are going to really step back and take a break. It really is necessary to recognize that you need to get back to a calm place, and regain your perspective and your stamina.

It is not a fault, or a nosedive into the past. It is only him and his obnoxious ways that are causing you to feel the way you do. I love that you are trying for a different department. That will be such a huge relief for you!

I really hope that as things progress for you, that you'll keep us posted. You're going to be okay.

Take good care of yourself.

[Lilywhite]

Thanks for a brilliant, caring reply. I cannot thank you enough.

Love,

Lily

[Gemini54]

Thanks for a brilliant, caring reply. I cannot thank you enough.

Love,

Lily

I'm so glad that you've taken some positive steps to diminish the effect of this person on your work and spiritual, and emotional health. It's fantastic that you recognized the triggers that were being pushed and can see that some of it is to do with you. The suggestions that Jake has given you for psychic protection you can use in all types of situations.

Well done, and I wish you positive and good things for the future.