[jenniepepsi]

I know the rules, so to start with, I am 26 years old.

I spoke with a doctor about it many many years ago, but I'm not seeing her anymore, though I plan to again next week, as this is really bugging me.

I can NOT get off in sex, without imagining myself being forced, raped or molested. When I'm with a guy, I ask him to pretend he is raping me, or tie me up and molest me. (all pretend of course) if he isn't comfratable with it I don't push it, and just have sex with him, but it does NOTHING for me. I just lay there waiting for him to finish.

My doctor said it was normal. I was molested when I was 5. raped when I was 11. And my daughters father raped me almost nightly the several years I lived with him. And I can accept that it is normal for me.

But I don't feel its normal for it to be the ONLY fantacy I have. NOTHING else turns me on. I have tried with myself too, using toys, trying to imagine myself with a man and being sensual about it, but I get nothing out of it until I imagine myself being attacked.

I have tried watching porn, but none of it works unless I go online and look up fantacy rape, or cartoon rape, or things of that nature.

I am turned on by imagining myself as a child being raped, or watching cartoon porn with young girls in it being attacked or taken advantage of (not VERY young children, teens)

And even more unsettling is it turns me on seeing porn where it is the father of the girl taking advantage of his daughter. But my father is NOT the one who molested or raped me when I was younger.


I know these last few types of porn are illigal and I do NOT go looking for them. I've seen them pop up a few times on spam popups and that's how I know it turned me on.


Sorry I know I'm rambling. Please can you tell me if this is still normal and OK. And what I can do to fix this, if there is anything.

[Enigma1999]

trying to imagine myself with a man and being sensual about it, but i get nothing out of it untill i imagine myself being attacked.

Jeenie,

I have a quick question first...

You say that you try to imagine a man being sensual, but has a man actaully been sensual? Has a man ever "made love" to you?

[Cat1864]

Jennie, I am going to say it isn't normal because it is upsetting you and it is affecting your relationships.

Talk to your doctor and see if she can refer you to a therapist/psychologist who works with rape and molestation victims. See if she can recommend any support groups for sexual assault victims in your area.

If this has been getting worse, then you need to talk to professionals who can help you work through the past and its effects at a pace you are comfortable with as well as give you the more personal support that you are going to need.

[excon]

Jennie, I am going to say it isn't normal because it is upsetting you and it is affecting your relationships.

Hello J:

Cat hit the nail on the head. The question is, what to DO about it.. Do you try to change who you are, or do you accept who you are, and move on??

I vote for acceptance - primarily because you really CAN'T change who you are. You can only change what you DO. And you should only change what you do, if what you do is destructive...

Uhhhh, orgasms aren't destructive, and what goes on in your imagination isn't either... Orgasm's are good no matter HOW you have to achieve them, as long as nobody gets hurt, and, in your case, nobody does...

So, go jump your old man's bones - or have him jump yours.

excon

[Alty]

Love you Exy, but I disagree.

No, Jennie isn't hurting anyone by having these fantasies, but they obviously bother her enough to have her asking for help.

I too was molested as a child. I was also raped when I was a teen. I have to say, I find it odd that someone that went through this is having these fantasies, but I guess everyone reacts differently.

In my case I went the opposite way. I cannot give up control to anyone, it makes me feel helpless, makes me feel like I did as a child and as a teen. I have to be in control at all times. If someone tied me up it wouldn't end well. Even role playing rape wouldn't be acceptable. I'm really having a hard time understanding how someone that went through this can fantasize about it. Again, I guess everyone reacts differently, but I've never talked to anyone that was molested or raped that has reacted this way. I can't wrap my head around it.

I think Cats suggestion of therapy/counseling is a good one. Understanding why you have these fantasies, why you can't get off unless you live the fantasy, is a good way to start. I would strongly advise that you find a good therapist, someone you trust.

[excon]

I have to say, I find it odd that someone that went through this is having these fantasies, but I guess everyone reacts differently.

Hello again, Alty:

My guess is that you didn't *** during your molestation, and Jennie did. A lot of rape victims confuse arousal with permission, and have life long difficulties with it. I don't disagree with the counseling aspect of your advice. Whatever she chooses, she's going to need some help...

My ex wife had a similar fantasy. I don't think it's uncommon among women... She LIKED to act out stuff like that. It made her orgasm HARD.. I didn't question where that stuff came from... I loved satisfying it for her, though.

None of this is to take away from YOUR attack.. I know you are devastated.

excon

[jenniepepsi]

Jeenie,

I have a quick question first...

You say that you try to imagine a man being sensual, but has a man actaully been sensual? Has a man ever "made love" to you?

I'm not sure. I don't think so. I've only been romantically involved with 3 men, my daughters father who used me, my ex husband who, I THINK he loved me, but just didn't know how to be a good person, and my best friend, who is still my best friend, we had a relationship for about a year, and although I enjoyed the act of having sex with him, I didn't sexually enjoy it.

[jenniepepsi]

Love you Exy, but I disagree.

No, Jennie isn't hurting anyone by having these fantasies, but they obviously bother her enough to have her asking for help.

I too was molested as a child. I was also raped when I was a teen. I have to say, I find it odd that someone that went through this is having these fantasies, but I guess everyone reacts differently.

In my case I went the opposite way. I cannot give up control to anyone, it makes me feel helpless, makes me feel like I did as a child and as a teen. I have to be in control at all times. If someone tied me up it wouldn't end well. Even role playing rape wouldn't be acceptable. I'm really having a hard time understanding how someone that went through this can fantasize about it. Again, I guess everyone reacts differently, but I've never talked to anyone that was molested or raped that has reacted this way. I can't wrap my head around it.

I think Cats suggestion of therapy/counseling is a good one. Understanding why you have these fantasies, why you can't get off unless you live the fantasy, is a good way to start. I would strongly advise that you find a good therapist, someone you trust.

*hugs* first, I'm sorry that happened to you alty. No one should have to live with that.
and I'm with you, I often wonder why I didn't go the way you did. My doctor told me that some women go your way, some go mine. I am opposite. I don't know if it is because of the abuse, or if it is just who I am deep down, but I HATE having control. I can't love, or function without HIM being in control. I am most happy with HIM in control. However, it got me in trouble a few times, and for now I am happy being single and NOT worrying about finding that perfect guy who will take control for me, but not take advantage of it. (I hear they are out there lol. I just never met one yet)
my sister is the same as you. Her fiancé of 8 years, from high school until last year, started abusing her, and unlike me, who accepted it, she left him and will NEVER let a man treat her badly.
I'm not sure why I'm not like that. I have tried to be. I just cant.

after my daughters father left me, I went into a depression for a month (I guess the doctor said he had so much control that I didn't know how to live without him controlling my life) but when I came out of that depresion, I became promiscuous. I would go online and search for men in my area who would take me out to dinner in return for a one night stand. I associated sex with love. And thought if they cared enough to have sex, maybe I could feel love for a little while. I did that for about 2 months until I met a guy who was going to rape me. I'm not stupid (naiive maybe but not stupid) when he said he wanted to go up to the mountains to ride horses and hang out, I believed him, cause I was a trusting fool. But when I got there, and saw no horses, and it was a secluded spot, me without a phone or a car to get home, and he wanted sex, I had 2 options, have sex with him and let him take me home, or fight him and possibly be left behind or killed in the process of him getting what he wanted. I went with the latter, and NEVER did that again, my sex adventures ended that day, and I took myself to the doctor. Who told me that the behavior was still normal, though concerning, and we talked about that for a long time. I don't even have the thought of finding a random guy for temporary 'love' anymore.

but I still can't seem to get over the role play of forced sex to orgasm. And it really IS bugging me like you guys all say. Next week I'm making myself an appointment with my old doctor and see what she can do for me.

sorry if I rambled a lot lol. Thanks for sharing your story alty *hugs*

[Alty]

Hello again, Alty:

My guess is that you didn't *** during your molestation, and Jennie did. A lot of rape victims confuse arousal with permission, and have life long difficulties with it. I don't disagree with the counseling aspect of your advice. Whatever she chooses, she's going to need some help...

My ex wife had a similar fantasy. I don't think it's uncommon among women... She LIKED to act out stuff like that. It made her orgasm HARD.. I didn't question where that stuff came from... I loved satisfying it for her, though.

None of this is to take away from YOUR attack.. I know you are devastated.

excon

Hi Exy,

I do see your point. No, I obviously didn't become sexually aroused when I was molested or raped. It was a horrifying experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There was no pleasure involved, at least not for me. I'm trying to wrap my head around what you said, that some women do orgasm while being raped. Maybe I'm naïve about this, but, to me, if you're sexually turned on, enough to have an orgasm, than I have to question if it was really rape. That's really not the issue of this thread though, although a discussion about this on another thread would be very enlightening. :)

Yes, I do think that no matter what, counseling is a very good idea for Jennie. She needs to deal with her past and find a way to merge it with her present. I have no problem with acting out fantasies, and I know that many women do have fantasies of being raped (I've just never met a woman that was actually raped that had this fantasy). If this wasn't bothering Jennie than I'd tell her to let it go and live her fantasy, because it's not hurting anyone. Since it is bothering her I would say that counseling is the best option.

[jenniepepsi]

Hello again, Alty:

My guess is that you didn't *** during your molestation, and Jennie did. A lot of rape victims confuse arousal with permission, and have life long difficulties with it. I don't disagree with the counseling aspect of your advice. Whatever she chooses, she's going to need some help...

My ex wife had a similar fantasy. I don't think it's uncommon among women... She LIKED to act out stuff like that. It made her orgasm HARD.. I didn't question where that stuff came from... I loved satisfying it for her, though.

None of this is to take away from YOUR attack.. I know you are devastated.

excon

Hey ex. I don't remember if I did orgasm during the molestation, I was 5. my mom didn't even TELL me about it untll I was an adult, which I Don't agree with, but its done and over, I can't change the choice my mom made lol. But I know I didn't orgasm when I was raped when I was 11. But I DID a few times with my daughters father, even though I didn't want sex, and he made me do it. Because he would stimulate my clitoris first, which I would assume would be to make it easier for him. *eye roll* he didn't make me by physical force, he had a gun under his pillow that stayed there all the time and he told me he would shoot me if I ever left him, so I got in the habit of just doing as I was told. But he DID listen to me when I asked him not use hold the gun while having sex with me. Wasn't that nice of him to grant me that request?

Aaaand I'm rambling again. Sorry. Reminescing.

[jenniepepsi]

Hi Exy,

I do see your point. No, I obviously didn't become sexually aroused when I was molested or raped. It was a horrifying experience that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There was no pleasure involved, at least not for me. I'm trying to wrap my head around what you said, that some women do orgasm while being raped. Maybe I'm naive about this, but, to me, if you're sexually turned on, enough to have an orgasm, than I have to question if it was really rape. That's really not the issue of this thread though, although a discussion about this on another thread would be very enlightening. :)

Yes, I do think that no matter what, counseling is a very good idea for Jennie. She needs to deal with her past and find a way to merge it with her present. I have no problem with acting out fantasies, and I know that many women do have fantasies of being raped (I've just never met a woman that was actually raped that had this fantasy). If this wasn't bothering Jennie than I'd tell her to let it go and live her fantasy, because it's not hurting anyone. Since it is bothering her I would say that counseling is the best option.

That's another problem, I thought I HAD dealt with it and 'got over it' (obviously you never get over it, but I hope you know what I mean) I had accepted it, and moved on. Or so I thought.

[excon]

so i got in the habit of just doing as i was told. but he DID listen to me when i asked him not use hold the gun while having sex with me. wasnt that nice of him to grant me that request?

Hello again, jennie:

Ramble. It's your thread... Getting off with a gun to your head, might be why you associate VIOLENCE with ORGASM...

Look.. I'm not trying to be a therapist here. I don't know diddly squat.. Whatever course you choose to take, you're going to need some professional help getting there. Good for you for making the start.

excon

[Alty]

I don't know if it is because of the abuse, or if it is just who I am deep down, but I HATE having control. I can't love, or function without HIM being in control. I am most happy with HIM in control.

It sounds like we both have issues. ;) If we could each find a middle ground, merge the way both of us feel, we'd probably be extremely well grounded.

sorry if I rambled a lot lol. Thanks for sharing your story alty *hugs*

You're not rambling at all. I've shared my story too many times on this site, but I felt it was fitting to share it here.

I understand the part about becoming promiscuous. I was the same way when I was younger, after being molested.

It wasn't because I wanted pleasure, and I didn't have the fantasies you did. For me it was all about control. If I gave myself then they wouldn't have a chance to take. If I initiated sex than I was in control. It made sense at the time.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized I had issues about sex. Not that I hated sex. I didn't and don't. It's that I didn't associate sex with love. Sex was an act. For a long time it was a means of gaining control over my own life. When I met hubby, when I realized that he didn't just want sex, he wanted me, I pushed him away. I couldn't handle him caring for me. He was supposed to be just another guy, and guys only wanted sex. I couldn't understand how he could love someone that was so damaged.

Thanks to counseling, a lot of soul searching, and the love of a really wonderful man, I found a way to make it all work. I still have issues. I still have to have total control, but hubby understands that and accepts that.

Jennie, I really hope you seek counseling. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. I don't think you necessarily have to change how you feel, but I do think that counseling can help you accept how you feel, which is something you obviously don't accept right now.

I wish you all the best in this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

(hugs right back at you). :)

[jenniepepsi]

It sounds like we both have issues. ;) If we could each find a middle ground, merge the way both of us feel, we'd probably be extremely well grounded.

Lol I hope I can find the middle ground :P I still have the idealistic dreams about marriage, I want to find the perfect guy. Like, Charles Engles style, or Beavers dad. Someone who will have control, but not TAKE it, and use it badly. If that makes sense. Or a nice home grown Montana cowboy from back the day. Yes ma'ams, and all that.

You're not rambling at all. I've shared my story too many times on this site, but I felt it was fitting to share it here.

I understand the part about becoming promiscuous. I was the same way when I was younger, after being molested.

It wasn't because I wanted pleasure, and I didn't have the fantasies you did. For me it was all about control. If I gave myself then they wouldn't have a chance to take. If I initiated sex than I was in control. It made sense at the time.

This is so weird, we both did the same things but for different reasons. I did it because I wanted someone else to have control. I don't want the control. (yet, I hope to get there one day) I have no trouble being in control when it comes to my daughter, or when it comes to her school, doctors, etc. but when it comes to me and my life and my love, I don't want the control.

It wasn't until I met my husband that I realized I had issues about sex. Not that I hated sex. I didn't and don't. It's that I didn't associate sex with love. Sex was an act. For a long time it was a means of gaining control over my own life. When I met hubby, when I realized that he didn't just want sex, he wanted me, I pushed him away. I couldn't handle him caring for me. He was supposed to be just another guy, and guys only wanted sex. I couldn't understand how he could love someone that was so damaged.

That's where my trouble is. I DO associate sex with love. If someone wants to have sex with me, it means they must love me right? Wrong. But I still can't help but think it.

Thanks to counseling, a lot of soul searching, and the love of a really wonderful man, I found a way to make it all work. I still have issues. I still have to have total control, but hubby understands that and accepts that.

*hugs* I am so glad you found him. He sounds wonderful!

Jennie, I really hope you seek counseling. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. I don't think you necessarily have to change how you feel, but I do think that counseling can help you accept how you feel, which is something you obviously don't accept right now.

I wish you all the best in this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

(hugs right back at you). :)

*hugs* thanks hon. I understand I probably won't be able to lose the sexual turn on I get with rough, forceful sex. I DO enjoy it. And its never without consent. But I hope to be able to enjoy sex in a loving and sensual way too one day. It all seems like so much fun, and I bet it last longer too lol.

[jenniepepsi]

Hello again, jennie:

Go ahead and ramble. It's your thread... Getting off with a gun to your head, might be why you associate VIOLENCE with ORGASM...

Look.. I'm not trying to be a therapist here. I don't know diddly squat.. Whatever course you choose to take, you're gonna need some professional help getting there. Good for you for making the start.

excon

*hugs* thanks hon. I never thought of it as associating violence with orgasm. I guess it is. Its violence with pleasure. That's what bothers me so much. Other people who have this type of fetish, know that its all a game, a role play, just for fun. It seems to be different for me somehow.

Thanks hon. *hugs*

[Wondergirl]

Not only violence, but control. Molesting, rape, forcing sex are all methods of controlling a female, overpowering her.

Does that follow in any other part of your life, Jen? (I suspect it did and maybe still sometimes does, but I've watched you get stronger during your membership on this site. You've come a long way, not only for yourself but also for your daughter.)
.

[jenniepepsi]

Not only violence, but control. Molesting, rape, forcing sex are all methods of controlling a female, overpowering her.

Does that follow in any other part of your life, Jen? (I suspect it did and maybe still sometimes does, but I've watched you get stronger during your membership on this site. You've come a long way, not only for yourself but also for your daughter.)
.

I didn't think about it, cause I didn't think it could be related to my sexuality. But yes, my parents, my sister, all still are very controlling of everything I do. Even after I moved out and no longer lived with them, still control. I am slowly taking my control away from them, but its still there.

Other control... maybe fear? I know fear can control you, I don't know if it does me. I'm not sure WHAT I may be afraid of. But it is something that I have asked myself before. My best friend pointed out, that I may CHOOSE controlling men for my relationships subconciously but I'm not sure, cause neither of them acted controlling when I first met them.

I don't seem to have trust issues, other than the opposite of the 'normal' issue, of NOT trusting people. I trust TOO much. I trust EVERYONE. Even those that I shouldn't. And I give my love too easily I suppose. Not that it's a BAD thing, just not a smart thing. I LOVE everyone. My doctor once described me as having a child's mind in some ways. I suppose I do. But in some ways I'm way too grown for my age you know?
Rambled again. Sorry lol.

[Wondergirl]

other control... maybe fear? I know fear can control you, I don't know if it does me. I'm not sure WHAT I may be afraid of. But it is something that I have asked myself before. My best friend pointed out, that I may CHOOSE controlling men for my relationships subconciously but I'm not sure, cause neither of them acted controlling when I first met them.

Fear of the unknown, of tomorrow, of the future? You are learning how to deal with those unknowns now on your own. Being responsible for your daughter makes you stronger and less fearful. You know she's counting on you to take care of the two of you and to keep you both safe.

I don't seem to have trust issues... I trust TOO much.

The control and trust issues go hand in hand. Those who control you want you to believe you can trust them to make the right and best decisions for you. You trust everyone because you want to believe they have your best interests at heart, but you've found out they don't. You are right to be wary.

[QLP]

After being traumatised in early life in any way, one of the things that sometimes happens to people is that they get locked into trying to 're-live' the experience and get a better outcome. They don't do this consciously, rather they just feel safe doing the same thing over and over again.

This is one reason people often have relationship after relationship with men who hurt them in a similar way to which they were hurt in the past so that THIS TIME they can make it work out better.

I'm guessing nobody would want to actually keep repeating being a victim of rape and abuse. However having fantasies is a safe way to do a similar thing. In a way having an orgasm this way is temporarily beating the trauma of abuse or rape by coming out of it rewarded.

The problem with this is that until we break the pattern we never feel we have actually changed anything. This is where counselling can come in and make a difference.
To fix my own issues about past trauma including sexual abuse I turned to homoeopathy. The consultation is quite probing and in some ways probably acts as a bit of counselling in itself, although I know the actual treatments were also very helpful. Another possibility is EFT. EFTUniverse.com

Whatever appeals to you, why not talk it over with some kind of professional and see if you can break some of those patterns.

[jenniepepsi]

Thank you carol, and cat, I don't FEEL any stronger, but I can definatley SEE me stronger than before.

QLP, that's a very interesting thought, and VERY possible. I stayed with my ex husband for 2 years after he... sorta made me have sex I suppose. He started having sex when I was asleep, but when I woke up, I didn't want to but he asked me to let him finish so I did. I left him for a few months, and then felt that he would change and I worked HARD to keep the marriage together. Unfortunately he wouldn't work on it as well.


I don't know WHY rape, abuse and sexual coersion seems to follow me and find me all the time. My sister said one time that maybe they see me and just by looking at me KNOW that they can do anything they want and I won't do anything about it. She said I have a 'victim' look about me.