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raven1980 · Jan 29, 2008, 03:42 AM

Hate to ask yet another 'girlfriend won't have sex with me' question, but I'm really confused as to what it implies.

We had been going out for 3 months, great sex, LOTS of great happy time spent together, but then for New Year's she decided on no sex whatsoever for a year- just kissing (ie no oral, etc). Of course, I asked her if there was anything I could do, if she just wanted to be friends, etc. Her answer was that she just needs to find herself after having a serious sexual relationship after another, and she says she feels that we'll have a deeper relationship after a year. Since Jan 1st, she initiated sex twice. The first time, I let her go through with it, and afterwards she cried and felt bad. The second time, I asked if she was sure, and she said no and we stopped.

Personally, I'm the opposite. I've not been in a sexual relationship before her for two years. So, I'm ready for that, and it is important to me on some scale. Obviously, I'm not going to try to pressure her into anything, but at the same time, I can't help but examine my needs versus hers.

So, my questions:
1) After a year, will we more than likely just end up being friends? I would imagine that a relationship would decay, kisses get old, etc without some sort of sexual element, especially if it was there in the beginning.
2) Since we've only been going out 3 months, is the relationship worth pursuing? I really feel that we're both in different places as far as what we want/need. However, I do love her. In other words, I'm really confused as far as how important I should consider this aspect of a relationship.

2personal · Jan 29, 2008, 07:46 AM

Maybe its her way of testing you, she might be thinking, are you with her just for sex or are you with her because you love her, what ever you do, she will get her answer.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 08:00 AM

2 Words DUMP HER!

She's playing stupid games with you and its not fair! A relationship is based on both mental and physical.

Fine someone who will give you both things!

thoughtiwastheman · Jan 29, 2008, 08:13 AM

Let her go... My intuition is telling me that there is something more going on here than her trying to "find herself." Let me ask you this, what does your gut instinct tell you? If I was you I would listen to that little voice and that first impression you got when she broke the news to you. There's a good book called "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell and in it he talks about the power of thinking without thinking. In other words, he talks about the brains or rather our ability to tell things apart instantaneously simply by looking or having an experience for the first time. It's a short read and I think you should look into it.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 29, 2008, 08:15 AM

I wouldn't say that she's playing stupid games. Really, some people just want a break from sex.

If you're OK with this, and you really like her, stick with it. If you're not, then yeah... find someone else.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 08:24 AM

Originally Posted by Marydoll

2 Words DUMP HER!

Shes playing stupid games with you and its not fair! A relationship is based on both mental and physical.

Fine someone who will give you both things!

They don't have a relationship. They have only been together 3 months and are already having sex. That is all there is for them right now. They don't even know each other.
If you can't be with her without sex, leave her. If you love her stay and not have sex, and when she initiates it, remind her of the fact that it was her idea not to.
Maybe she is thinking she had sex too soon and regrets it, wants to have the relationship grow on another level. But the choice is yours.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 08:30 AM

Well I had sex with my now 3 and a half year partner within a week of first meeting and Its not all based on sex. It's a big part of any relationship. Compatibility in the bedroom is almost as important as compatibility of personality. (that what I think anyway but each to their own)

What the point of having a relationship with absolutely NO intamacy whatsoever??

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 08:44 AM

I suppose if you can have sex with someone you don't know, that's your choice. It is important but I would want to know a person before I share my body with them, would want to know if I am personally compatible with them.
You can have a relationship with a person without having sex right away. People do it all of the time. I know many people who have a 6 months rule (no sex until at least that time)
Sex is not the only intamacy you can share with a person.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 08:47 AM

I do understand that but like the man said, she has issued a "no sex whatsoever for a year- just kissing (ie no oral, etc)". That is plain unfair!

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 08:53 AM

And he has the choice to deal with or not, just as she has the right to not want sex until she feels comfortable about the person.
I did not have sex with my husband until I married him. Dating someone for a year without sex is possible. There are people who do it.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 09:01 AM

But the difference is that the were having sex for a few months... What has now changed. YOu never had sex with your husband until you got married... you weren't missing anything.

What do you think would happen if you turned arounf to him now and said that you didn't want sex for a while... I reckon that he would be supicious?? (I know marriage and 3 months is very different BTW!:) )

Synnen · Jan 29, 2008, 09:03 AM

Personally, I think the problem here has less to do with sex than it has to do with respect and communication.

While she has the right to decide whether she wants sex in a relationship, especially a relationship of only 3 months---I think she's not playing fair here.

She gets into a new relationship, they have sex, it's great--and then, after 3 months--when you should still be in a bit of your "honeymoon" phase, all of a sudden she's denying him sex.

That's FINE--and her right.

What's NOT fine is that she didn't discuss this with him ahead of time. You don't just make a decision that affects your relationship, regardless of how short or long you've been together, without discussing that decision with your partner--unless you're ASKING for the relationship to fall apart.

What she did smacks of selfishness, disrespect, and yes--game-playing.

If she had talked about it with him ahead of time, and it was a decision they BOTH made--that would be different. But she, after having sex in their relationship, decided that she isn't having it for a year and isn't discussing it--that's game playing. It sounds like she slept with him to get him, and now wants the relationship to go back to the Disney-version of everything, and frankly, that's not fair.

I'd let her know that sex is important to you--not as important as a relationship, obviously--and that you feel it to be unfair that she decided to change the rules without discussing it with you. Let her know you'd love to be friends, but that you're not comfortable with someone that makes decisions about your relationship with them without discussing it with you first.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 09:06 AM

At last some one agrees!! :-)

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 09:20 AM

Originally Posted by Marydoll

But the difference is that the were having sex for a few months... What has now changed. You never had sex with your husband until you got married.... you were missing anything.

What do you think would happen if you turned around to him now and said that you didnt want sex for a while.... I reckon that he would be suspicious???? (I know marriage and 3 months is very different BTW!:) )

Of course the desire for sex was there, but I was just not going to give myself to someone I was not committed to and he to me. He knew that from the beginning of our relationship and he decided to wait. He could have left. As his wife, he would be suspicious if I with held sex, married couples should not with hold sex from each other, but if for some reaon I didn't want to, he would try and nderstand why and would respect my wishes. But this couple did not really know each other before they bought sex into the mix.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 09:23 AM

Where is it stated she did not discuss it? He said she decided she didn't want sex anymore, which means she told him she didn't. He then had the chioce to dealt with it or leave.

Homegirl 50 · Jan 29, 2008, 09:26 AM

A woman has the right to decide she no longer wants sex and a man has the right to decide if he can deal with it. It's not like they had a long relationship to begin with. Maybe the sex was not as terrific for her as it was for him. But for whatever reason she has the right to say no and he has the right to leave or stay.

Synnen · Jan 29, 2008, 09:27 AM

I think I'd be a little more on your page, Homegirl, if she had TALKED to him about it, and they had discussed it, and come to a decision about it together.

Instead, SHE decided, and that's the final answer.

While that is her right--it's NOT a good way to put a relationship on other levels than just the sexual, because she's already not respecting the relationship by making decisions for her partner.

Synnen · Jan 29, 2008, 09:29 AM

Yup... she has that right, and so does he.

What I am saying is that if I were him, I wouldn't be leaving over the lack of sex.

I'd be leaving because her idea of communication is that things will go her way or the relationship will be over.

Marydoll · Jan 29, 2008, 09:29 AM

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Of course the desire for sex was there, but I was just not going to give myself to someone I was not committed to and he to me. He knew that from the beginning of our relationship and he decided to wait. He could have left. As his wife, he would be suspicious if I with held sex, married couples should not with hold sex from each other, but if for some reaon I didn't want to, he would try and nderstand why and would respect my wishes. But this couple did not really know each other before they bought sex into the mix.

Well if my boyfriend said it to me after 3 months Id think that I would have been be very supicious! Yes I agree that married couples should not with hold sex from each other but I think that the same goes for 2 people who arein a relationship... no matter how long or short a relationship it may be!

Ash123 · Jan 29, 2008, 09:42 AM

You are being tested in two ways:

1) do you respect her?

2) does she respect herself?

So, what next?:

First: How old are you? I have seen young couples - especially girls get in "over their heads" sexually... Many girls cannot even orgasm before their early 20's... there are just too many hormonal and psychological changes taking place in the maturation process.

I think you will BOTH benefit from going "without" for a little bit. I doubt it will last a year on her part, but every time she initiates it, will she feel guilty? She initiated it 2x because you backed off and showed to her it was more than sex - but she is conflicted!

So, back off. Even if she initiates, wait 3 months... Then, by that time you will have had a lot of time to talk... At that point make a decision.

My guess is she is young and this is NORMAL. Don't freak out. Just take it one day at a time... Like life :-)

You are not being played for a fool here... She is being honest...
Immature - yes, but honest.