[flower81]

Can someone please answer my question as I'm going crazy!
If your husband is being really honest and tells you that a few yr ago he asked our friend if she would sleep him?
Bare in mind I'm married to my husband and this women was (at the time) married to my husbands best friends.
Why would someone ask this sort of question??

My husband had also told me a few months back that he had a thing for her, and before I was in d picture they played footsie and lots of eye contact!

Im so sad

[biggsie]

I think there are things that most smart husbands don't tell their wives --

This is probably be one of them -- Don't know what good can come from it

Most people who are married -- stop being as romantic in many ways

Telling a wife she's fat -- Is not a good way to get on her good side

[flower81]

Thanks for your reply
I feel so walked all over :(

When I told him why did you tell me he said - because I feel I can you tell you anything
And when I asked why did he feel d need to ask her he said - I just wanted to know not sure why as it was not going to mean anything.

Am I being thick - I don't get it!

I can't express how I'm feeling - but betrayed is one of them

[Allheart]

Hi Flower81 -

I am so very sorry for the hurt you must feel. I would feel the same way as though a big huge brick entered my heart and sank it to the floor with a good bit of nasuea to boot. So you are not alone.

Flower81 - Not quite sure how a conversation like that happens. In what type of setting does your husband ask your "friend" to have sex with him?

Yes, honesty is always wonderful but there are times where a man's mind and I am sure a women's too wonder and think what it would be like to sleep with someone other then your spouse. But the thoughts are usually fleeting and I seriously doubt ever verbalized in the way your husband did. Doesn't make it right that he asked someone to have sex with him, because he told you. That would be like a someone robbing a bank and telling the police they did it and all is well. Doesn't work quite that way.

The most important thing for you now is to heal. Flower, I have a very strong feeling that your husband loves and adores you and truly feels he can tell you anything and you want to make sure that line of communication never gets clogged up. It will be hard for you to express the deep hurt that you are feeling so why don't you try and write him a note expressing how you are feeling. You could start with the fact that you are glad he feels he can always be honest with you and you want that to continue.

If you decide to write your feelings down to him, be sure it is just that. An open and honest letter from you with a desire to understand and be heard of how this revelation of his has made you feel.

Flower, we are always here for you and I hope you heal quickly and I hope your husband is able to understand fully how all of this has made you feel without making him regret the fact that he shared this with you.

My very best to you.

[flower81]

Your words made me cry. Im crying as I write this.

He asked this girl - if she would sleep with on new yr eve maybe 4 yr ago apparently!!
Them 2 were standing up chatting and me and her husband were a few feet away sitting down chatting!

I expressed my feelings to him on text message.
He said I'm strong. Which I am but I'm not made of steal.

[Allheart]

Oh Sweetheart I don't want you to cry. I am so sorry. Although sometimes crying can help get it out.

It was 4 years ago... so that's a good thing. But your hurt is right now. Text messaging really can't convey your hurt. It's too swift and instant. You need to sit down and type up a letter or handwrite it.

You have an awful lot of hurt inside you that has to heal. Getting his understanding of how this made you feel and a sincere apology will help the healing begin.

Flower it was 4 years ago and thankfully nothing came of it and his being honest with you
Are very positive points.

You want to get the hurt out, be heard and understood, but you don't want to hang on to it and carry it with the both of you forever. That's why it is important to take care of it and then leave it behind you.

Your sad heart is understandable but work with your husband in helping to put this behind you both.

It probably was very meaningless to him and more then likely driven by the alcohol consumption of New Year's Eve (assuming he was drinking).

You hang in there girl... this will be okay :). That's a promise!

[flower81]

Thank you
I will do that right now

[biggsie]

Have you ever suspected your husband is a cave man?

Guess what? He is.

But I didn't mean that just figuratively, I meant it literally. He shares many of the same brain characteristics of his more primitive ancestors.

If you take a few minutes to understand some of these characteristics you have the opportunity to use them to your advantage and live with your cave man rather than fighting him.

» Marriage Help: How to Understand Your Husband's Crazy Brain Full Tilt Marriage.com

Marriage Help: Why Your Man is a Jerk

[Allheart]

Thank you
I will do that right now

Flower,

You can write it, then read it and put it away for a little bit. Then go back and make sure
It's exactly what you want to say.

Sometimes just doing this exercise helps us feel better.

Want to give you a hug ***hug** and a smile :)

[Choux]

I think you learned a good lesson here... no one should know *everything* their spouse is thinking about, specially sex with others! Lol

It seems to me that you two are a good match! Relax. :):):)

[flower81]

Im still unsure what to do.
This girl was good friend. I sued to speak to her about me and my husband as girls do!

I worte the letter he read
He said I shouldn't feel walked all over.
There was nothing there.

What shall I do?
Stay or go?

3 yrs ago he told he he had a thing for her and I shouldn't trust her
2 yr ago he told me sent him a message saying she had a dream about him - saying its all good yum yum
This yr - this - that he asked her if she would sleep with him.. and if its true she used to always look at him..

[flower81]

And is this classed as cheating?

[Allheart]

Flower Sweetie,

Let it go. Honestly. You are getting all wound up ( and I do understand ) but nothing actually happened. Grant you, not a conversation your husband should be having, but in reality, nothing happened.

You have to get stronger inside and I really wouldn't consider this girl a close friend. No more confiding in her about anything too personal.

No, I would not consider it cheating. You expressed how you felt, he heard you, now you really need to let it go. You don't want to drive your husband away and make it regret that he confides in you.

You are inviting fear and upset into your life when it really isn't necessary.

Have faith and trust in your husband and yourself.

I am not downplaying the fact that your husband really shouldn't have said that to your girlfriend, but it is time to let it go.

Save your upset for when it really is called for.

You are over obssessing and that will only make things worse.

Your husband loves you, you love him,. he trust you, learn to trust him.

[flower81]

I'm just scared that there will be a 4th time - and I said this and he said NO.
I don't speak to her anymore after my husband told me not to trust her.
Yes you're right I am winding myself up now - very true.
But yesterday I was sad - today I'm very angry!
I would never ever consider having that type of conversation with another guy.
I told him yetserday - I'm not a vindictive kind of girl however I do so wish this was vice-versa and he could see where I'm coming from!

Ive had it!
In 3 years - 3 shocking stories to hear.

And I was not aware of for all the years we were all friends... Like a bl**dy idiot!

I told my husband - when he was having that conversation with her - me and her husband were sitting a few feet away saying how we love them both - HOW SAD AM I

[Allheart]

Hi Flower,

I know your tired of it and I know you are hurt and angry and all of that is very understandable.

You would never even contemplate having a conversation like that so that's why all of this seems more than you can bare or understand. But Flower, to your hubby, it was nothing and that may just be his silly way of being silly, but with no substance to it.

You are worried about a 4th time... I understand that... but get all wound up when that 4th time actually happens. Don't invite upset unnecessarily.

I am not telling you to paste a smile on your face and jump up and down and be happy, you do need time to get over the hurt, but try your best to move forward with your healing and not stay in the same place and continue to let the hurt... hurt.

Oh and by the way, you are not sad and nowhere near an idoit!! You sound like a sweet and caring and loving wife... just give yourself some time to heal.

[flower81]

He said he needed to know.
He needed to know if he was just imagining or that he was true, that she used to fancy him and eye contact him through the rear view mirror, as this all started apparantley before I was in the picture – 9 yr ago!
I knew he always thought highly about her, which is fine by me. But he took this just abit too further if you tell me!
He said he never cheated on me with her otherwise he would be sitting near me.
As you say – I just need time to heal, however I thought better of him. I thought he was more genuine. That hurts.

[flower81]

He crossed the line - BIG TIME - not quite sure how to make him realise that!

[Allheart]

he crossed the line - BIG TIME - not quite sure how to make him realise that!

Flower I understand that - but keep in mind by your definition of "crossing the line". You right now are just devastated and I do understand but you have to listen to your husbands very own words... "He was curious". That's all it really is. Male ego. I know that does not merit crossing the line of your standards and you thinking he put his male ego before your heart, but in his mind and more importantly his heart... it was just curiosity and nothing more.

Flower, love your husband the way he is, all the good points that he has, which I am sure are many and now include some of the things that differ from your viewpoint, but yet he still is the same man that you married.

You are angry and hurt... again, very understandable... but try and work through it. Flower, since you wrote the letter to him explaining how all of this hurt you so much, maybe it would help you to write down, just for you, all the reasons you love your husband, all his good points. This may help balance things out for you.

Flower, I am so sorry you are hurting.

[flower81]

Not because he was curious - he said he needed to know whether he was imaging her looking at him etc...
Her answer was - Please don't go there? What does that mean?

And playing footsie!! What's all that about - althou he said it never happened when he meet me

[talaniman]

Geez, woman let it go. You will drive yourself crazy. So much for honesty, and now you send a signal (rightfully so) that he can't talk about everything with you. Your making yourself miserable over NOTHING, and that's a shame. Do you think you need counseling??