[eb82104]

Hi, I'm new to this board, but am seeking any and all the help I can get. I have been married for just under 4 years. My husband and I met in high school, dated on and off for around 7 years, and then finally got married. During those 7 years, we would date for about a year or so, then break-up and go our separate ways. But, about 6 months later, we would be drawn back towards each other and end up getting back together. Out of the blue, he has now come to me telling me that he has been unhappy for about a year or so, and is done. He is a firefighter, so he isn't home much to begin with, but he has been home even less since telling me this. I have talked to him briefly about what was bugging him, and the only information I have been able to get is that he didn't feel like I was letting him spend enough time with just his friends. I have tried now giving him his space, allowing him to go out with his friends as much as he wants. He is completely unwilling to try counseling, so I am doing all I can to see help elsewhere. This is very new and surprising to myself and all of our family and friends, but I get a strange feeling that more people are supporting him in whatever he chooses and not in pushing him towards saving our marriage. Any advice one what else I can do, how long I give him space, or even how much space I give him would be great. I just can't imagine being without him, but I don't want to suffocate him and lose him. Thanks in advance for any help.

[kp2171]

One person can't save a marriage. The fact he's unwilling to go to counseling is unfortunate. It just means he has no intention of facing whatever it is that he's struggling with or his pride is in the way... and that means its up to you two to talk it out. Saying that "he is done"... what does that mean to him? The relationship is over? That's how it reads.

There's no perfect recipe for a happy marriage that fits all people... but the more balance you have, generally the better things are. So he wants to have more cave time with friends. That's not a bad thing in itself... but what about you? Do you have friends you spend time with? You need balance too. And studies show the more social support you have, the more contacts and activities you have, generally the happier you are. If all you do is focus on the marriage, well... that means you can neglect yourself.

So... what caused you to break up before? I understand you started dating young, and this can happen, but were there any patterns? I know you were drawn back together, but if the problems weren't fixed, they were just masked again until the "shine" wore off one more time.

If he won't go to counseling and he says he is done, it might be time for a separation. I know you don't want this, but you might already have this. The idea is to make the other person feel what its like to be away from you... not play this co-habitating game. Again... I know you don't want this... but if he's not willing to talk it out, and not willing to seek help, what else is there? To live as roommates, one of whom doesn't want to be around the other so much?

So it might be time for you to draw a line. He's unhappy. Fine. He's unwilling to seek help. Fine. Time for him to hit the curb. You need to demand more for yourself. Hopefully you can get it from him. But being subject to his presence whenever he feels like stopping by home just isn't living life in a marriage.

Any chance other guys he works with are going through the same things? Separations? Divorces? I'm guessing you are mid to upper 20's. Any other changes that have happened? Kids? Financial issues? Any infilidelities? Life in the bedroom changed? Do you take trips together or have date nights from time to time? I know he's asking for more time with the guys, but sometimes we "waste" a lot of time together doing absolutely nothing... instead of being active together.

[eb82104]

Thank you so much for your response and advice. You are right that I don't want to separate, but at the same time I don't know if I have any option. Yes, we are in our late 20's. He said that his unhappiness began about 1 year ago. Last February he got promoted at work, and switched shifts from a crew that was very family oriented to a crew that is full of many single guys. So, I have a feeling this has had a great influence on his unhappiness.

Also, when we got married he had moved to where we live now, so I had to relocate. I left behind many friends and family, and moved to a completely new location. I am a bit shy so I have a hard time making friends, and the friends that I have managed to make are married with kids. So, when I do stuff with them, they usually want to do it as a couple or family. Because of this, it has made it that I don't have much to do by myself when he wants to go out with "the guys". I can go to work, go to the gym, or go home and play with the dogs. And, we just recently decided that I was going to quit my job because it was starting to create arguments at home due to the stress of it. I am hoping to get into nursing school, so we decided that I would quit my job and stay at home until I got into school. This would allow us to travel more and do more together (according to him 1 month ago).

The hardest part is that every time we broke up when we were dating, it was for almost this same reason. He felt like he wasn't getting enough of his own time, he just didn't "love me" like he used to, and so he would leave. He would then come back, show me how he had changed and still loved me, and we would get back together.

He has never said the horrible "D" word, but he just keeps saying that he is done. I have no clue what this means, and whenever we talk about it he avoids giving me a real answer and has some excuse why he has to leave. So, I am stuck without a job, unable to afford a place to live with my 1 (maybe 2) dog(s), and unsure how it may effect my marriage or any future obstacles if one of us were to move out. I have been told to just give it time, and he will come around but that is harder than it sounds, and how long do I wait?

[De Maria]

Hi, I'm new to this board, but am seeking any and all the help I can get. I have been married for just under 4 years. My husband and I met in high school, dated on and off for around 7 years, and then finally got married. During those 7 years, we would date for about a year or so, then break-up and go our separate ways. But, about 6 months later, we would be drawn back towards each other and end up getting back together. Out of the blue, he has now come to me telling me that he has been unhappy for about a year or so, and is done. He is a firefighter, so he isn't home much to begin with, but he has been home even less since telling me this. I have talked to him briefly about what was bugging him, and the only information I have been able to get is that he didn't feel like I was letting him spend enough time with just his friends. I have tried now giving him his space, allowing him to go out with his friends as much as he wants. He is completely unwilling to try counseling, so I am doing all I can to see help elsewhere. This is very new and surprising to myself and all of our family and friends, but I get a strange feeling that more people are supporting him in whatever he chooses and not in pushing him towards saving our marriage. Any advice one what else I can do, how long I give him space, or even how much space I give him would be great. I just can't imagine being without him, but I don't want to suffocate him and lose him. Thanks in advance for any help.

Funny isn't it? How a man who knows the value of sacrifice, a man who braves the inferno to save a stranger, doesn't seem to understand how to sacrifice his life for his own family.

Apparently, he has not understood that you and he are now one flesh in God. That he is to cherish you as he cherishes himself.

Ephesians 5 29 For no man ever hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, as also Christ doth the church:

Be of stout heart. Pray and fast that God may open his heart to understanding the true meaning of the Sacrament he has entered into with you. I have no advice except prayer and fasting. Only God can move his heart to understand that the greatest sacrifice is to give up his life for the ones' he loves. And that means giving of himself, his time and his participation with his family.

May God bless you,

Sincerely,

De Maria

[Budhabelly]

What do you want? You seem to do a lot of what he wants... relocate, get back together, quit job etc. etc.
You are bending backwards to keep this guy happy, and I think because of that he has lost respect for you, and is taking you for granted. He is probably asking you for another 6 months of play time, and then come back to you saying he has changed.
Stop trying to please him, relationship should be about compromise, not sacrifice.

[TomorrowsDawn]

Hi eb82104,

You have so many factors to look at before you call it quits and move on.
Let's face it... men get bored.

I've been married for over 20 years and the first few years were sheer bliss. * cough.. *cough...
Sure driving each other nuts getting to know each other and simple stunts getting on one another's nerves. But we stuck with it.

Marriage is work.. it's hard and it's easy to walk out and say enough.
But you have to weigh the pros against the cons here.
Rationalize this,. women are good at this.
Do you have any children?
What is your income like?
With this "recession" shhh.... no one wants to admit to this.
But can you survive on your own money ways?

He's going through what all men go through and think there's something better out there.
Let's face it, if you had men banging on your door wanting to take you off into the sunset you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions.

I have gone through 20 years of my husbands drinking, to having a child with disabilities.
But I wake up and look out that window and say...
"Thank you for what I have..."
Me alone out there with a child with disabilities? Ehhhh... nope... can't do that alone.
So I figured it out.
Yeah!
I figured out the secret!
Know what it is?
There is NO ONE... and I repeat... NO ONE... going to give you your happiness!

You have to find it within yourself and do what makes YOU happy.
Stop trying to be a people pleaser and thinking everyone is on his side and so forth.
Find your way in life.

You know there was something special that brought you 2 together wasn't there?
There's that same thing that brought you back.
Sure... the pressures of the economy to making the choice of getting a gallon of milk for $4.00 or a gallon of gas is going to tear a lot of relationships to shreds.

But take a deep breath... pray... yoga.. whatever it is that you do to find your inner peace.
Yourself... and stop relying on others to make you happy.

I wake up every morning grateful I have a roof over my head and open a refrigerator door to find a plentiful of food and choose what I want to make for dinner that day.
Just between you and me and probably the thousands of whoever else is reading this.

I had to find myself the hard way.
I always took it that it was ME because my husband stopped touching me for the last 8 years.
I took it was ME because he drinks and is unhappy with not having money.
I have done everything in these 20 years from being a brunette, to blond, to redhead.. you name it.
I have gone down to 95 pounds because I wanted to please him.

LOOK... allow tomorrow to come and take a deep breath and think about yourself.
If he wants to walk out.. let him... let it be known that HE walked away.. not you.
You can't make him more happy then he can make you.

I think you knew all of this... you just needed a little self reminder that's all.

Things will be fine.
I'm grateful that I didn't divorce my husband all these years ago.

Because its like so many say... "A husband and wife may no longer have sex regularly like they use to... but they always still talk."
I can always count on him to tell me what's going on at work to the world.
We stuck it out and have a relationship.
Maybe not the kind that I thought I would end up on my wedding day and I miss the intimate moments.
But I know I have a husband who's a friend for life and have stuck by him through all his rough times.
It's an honor to be his best friend and it took 20 years for this... but this is something that I know dozens of couples wish they had.

We don't hold anything from each other and that's because of the years of life's ups and downs & we hung on to each other.

Your husband will come around.. let him listen to his buddies and find his errors.

If you stay with this, I know someday you will think back to this letter and smile with a sigh of relief.

Hugs,

[anet]

Hi eb82104,

You have so many factors to look at before you call it quits and move on.
Let's face it... men get bored.

I've been married for over 20 years and the first few years were sheer bliss. * cough.. *cough.....
Sure driving each other nuts getting to know each other and simple stunts getting on one another's nerves. But we stuck with it.

Marriage is work.. it's hard and it's easy to walk out and say enough.
But you have to weigh the pros against the cons here.
rationalize this,........... women are good at this.
Do you have any children?
What is your income like?
With this "recession" shhh.... no one wants to admit to this.
But can you survive on your own money ways?

He's going through what all men go through and think there's something better out there.
Let's face it, if you had men banging on your door wanting to take you off into the sunset you wouldn't be asking yourself these questions.

I have gone through 20 years of my husbands drinking, to having a child with disabilities.
But I wake up and look out that window and say....
"Thank you for what I have..."
Me alone out there with a child with disabilities? ehhhh..... nope... can't do that alone.
So I figured it out.
Yeah!
I figured out the secret!!
Know what it is?
There is NO ONE... and I repeat.... NO ONE.... going to give you your happiness!!

You have to find it within yourself and do what makes YOU happy.
Stop trying to be a people pleaser and thinking everyone is on his side and so forth.
Find your way in life.

You know there was something special that brought you 2 together wasn't there?
There's that same thing that brought you back.
Sure... the pressures of the economy to making the choice of getting a gallon of milk for $4.00 or a gallon of gas is going to tear a lot of relationships to shreds.

But take a deep breath... pray... yoga.. whatever it is that you do to find your inner peace.
Yourself... and stop relying on others to make you happy.

I wake up every morning grateful I have a roof over my head and open a refrigerator door to find a plentiful of food and choose what I want to make for dinner that day.
Just between you and me and probably the thousands of whoever else is reading this.

I had to find myself the hard way.
I always took it that it was ME because my husband stopped touching me for the last 8 years.
I took it was ME because he drinks and is unhappy with not having money.
I have done everything in these 20 years from being a brunette, to blond, to redhead.. you name it.
I have gone down to 95 pounds because I wanted to please him.

LOOK...... allow tomorrow to come and take a deep breath and think about yourself.
If he wants to walk out.. let him... let it be known that HE walked away.. not you.
You can't make him more happy then he can make you.

I think you knew all of this.... you just needed a little self reminder thats all.

Things will be fine.
I'm grateful that I didn't divorce my husband all these years ago.

Because its like so many say... "A husband and wife may no longer have sex regularly like they use to... but they always still talk."
I can always count on him to tell me whats going on at work to the world.
We stuck it out and have a relationship.
Maybe not the kind that I thought I would end up on my wedding day and I miss the intimate moments.
But I know I have a husband who's a friend for life and have stuck by him through all his rough times.
It's an honor to be his best friend and it took 20 years for this... but this is something that I know dozens of couples wish they had.

We don't hold anything from each other and thats because of the years of life's ups and downs & we hung on to each other.

Your husband will come around.. let him listen to his buddies and find his errors.

If you stay with this, I know someday you will think back to this letter and smile with a sigh of relief.

Hugs,

Very interesting and educational. Thanks. You must be one of those who lives life to the fullest. In my opinion those who walked up and down and who are willing to smile when they are sad and tell their story (tell the true story about their life) are those who are living to the fullest. God bless you for sharing.

[TomorrowsDawn]

Very interesting and educational. thanks. You must be one of those who lives life to the fullest. In my opinion those who walked up and down and who are willing to smile when they are sad and tell their story (tell the true story about their life) are those who are living to the fullest. God bless you for sharing.

Hi Anet,

It's nice to meet you.
Gee... wish I was one of those who's always looked at life like a ray of sunshine and sees all good in everything.

Reminds me of those movies where they lose their house, money.. so forth and the women looks at the man and says...
"Well...................... at least we have our health."
LOL...

Nope... just been through a few train wrecks and looking at poor eb's story.

It's not Eb's fault or any of our faults.
It's the TV and movies that portray LOVE & MARRIAGE as this bliss of for ever after of our entire lives.

Growing up in the 70's and starring at TV Reruns of Father knows best to the Brady Bunch.
Thinking Daddy goes to work, Mommy stays home and cooks, cleans and we all live in this big beautiful home with even a Dog!
WOW!
Then we all try to do it and well... it's nothing like it.
No one shows the part where your negative balance in the bank account and your all out of diapers and using kitchen towels until the unemployment check comes in.

All I'm saying is that looking at what Eb said with not having any money and no place to go ( what a time of ones life for this to happen!) We're either going to be fighting a war that no one can figure out why and what we're doing there, and if we pick the wrong person for office will end up like another Nam war and be there for the next 25 years.
To standing in food lines for food, or better yet those weird tokens my grandmother use to tell me about.
You were only given a certain amount for each family.
Didn't matter how much money you had... they didn't accept the money.
Only these tokens.

Time is bad and I know that if my Grandmother just could see what was going on, she would be sure to fall to her knees and say... "It's all happening again....."

We're getting immune to it because we're living it.

The facts is that Eb has no money, no place to stay and some are saying to just walk out.
OK... now what?

I was told the same thing a million times.
If your just unhappy... do something about it and leave.
OK... I did that with my first marriage.
Oh it was great let me tell you :rolleyes:
I ate cereal everyday and lived in a room with a family I didn't know.

The most logical thing for Eb is to find her own happiness.
It's that easy.
I'm not saying... "Go to the health club..." whatever... yeah... there's your happiness right there.
Shoot me if I have to exercise with the rest of all those sweaty people all crammed in one room!

She said that her husband is paying the bills... OK.. good... check +
She said he wants his own space or whatever... OK... good... check +

This is HER time.
Find what makes EB happy...

I found myself like her a million times and cried buckets of tears to even contemplating suicide. But... something tapped me on the shoulder and said... no.

So one day I found myself picking up some clay and I made a real cool fairy figure.
It released all that Blahhh inside my taking my mind away from here... Al that unsettledness I had going inside me and I felt like I accomplished something... mine,. my very own... ME... not so and so's wife... not Mommy... but ME!

Family would come over and say "Wow... that's really good!"
I found myself making artistic things here and there for family to where they were actually paying me!
I even went to online auctions and took pictures and made up little stories and I was selling them!
I couldn't believe it when I sold a fairy for $300?!
I was making my own money and it felt sooo sooo good!
I was someone!
I didn't have to work for a boss, I didn't have to even leave the house.
Just me and the kitchen table with the TV on and away I created!

You see... it didn't matter what my husband thought anymore.
It didn't matter what he was doing with his time with his buddies whether he was out going through his mid life crisis or whatever he was going through.

Bills were being paid... food in the fridge and I didn't have to depend on him for my happiness anymore.

I found contentment and didn't have to suffer because I made the wrong decision.
To walk out into nothing... let me tell you... nothing is out there.
It's all within YOURSELF... that's your peace... that's who you are and that's what I meant by when I said... Another person CANNOT make you happy.

EB... find YOU... if clay isn't your thing... then write... paint... pick up some craft books.
Make puppets and sell them to schools or libraries.
You will find yourself... your happiness.

Then as time goes by... your husband will scratch his head wondering why your so freaking happy while he's soooooo DONE. As he put it...
You see... it's him... not you.

Until he says here's the divorce and you have no choice then... so what.

Listen... don't make life any harder then it is.

Blessings and be well,

Me
( guess we don't use our real names here and if I did, you would probably know who I am from that online auction I spoke of... so I'll just say... ME )

[eb82104]

Thank you so much for the insight, and encouragement. Although it was what you said you would never do, I have found that I spend most of my spare time at the gym or running outside. It helps me clear my mind, and feel better. He does see that I am happy, but he also knows that I am still hurting inside at the thought of him being gone. I got so used to being able to call him or hear from him throughout the day when he wasn't home, it is really hard to only talk 1-2 times a day now.

Now for an update on how our 1st conversations since last Thursday went. He called yesterday and got himself a storage unit back where our family lives. Yes, the one place he took me from he is now moving back to. We talked a bit about him moving back there, and how I too will be moving back to that area. We talked about our dogs. One of our dogs has been mine from before we got married, so she is easy to know where she is going to go. The other one is a bit of a handful. He was neglected for the first 3 years of his life, and since moving in with us I have been the one to show him love and attention that he has become very attached to me and the other dog. But, he is still a bit of a handful and technically he was my husbands dog, so we aren't sure who is going to take him. Also, I don't know if I can afford a place to have both dogs. Yes, you hear me talking about going separate ways, but no I have NOT given up. He told me that we could give this a chance and try to work things out, but really all that it will do is mask an underlying problem that will only resurface later down the road when things become more complicated with kids or other added commitments. He says he cares about me more than anything, but he just isn't in love with me anymore. After more conversation, he then started making a list of who gets one in the house. He wants me to sign this so we can get it notarized so we have that settled and no other family or friends start to make us do stuff we don't want to do. I'm not so fond of signing this, and figure I will take it and show it to an attorney before I sign anything. I'm scared to death on where this is all going. I feel like I am spinning out of control with how fast this is going. But, there is an update on what is going on, what he is saying, and well... what he is doing.

[Cornfuzed]

Be Uncompromising, don't be materialistic, but don't give away the farm. I fyou don't like the list, change it. Oh , and get out, find another because if you guys have kids and this cycle continues nobody will be happy. Misery loves company and you don't want it (company)to be a child.

[Fr_Chuck]

First and foremost protect yourself, it is time to start setting the rules, decide what HE has to do, to be with you, and what you want. If he wants back, he should be willing to give also.

It sounds like a lot of his friends are single guys and he has not grown up to understand his reponsiblity.

With that said, there is a lot of divorce amount fire fighters and police officers because of some of their job stress they have

[fanman]

Hi, I'm new to this board, but am seeking any and all the help I can get. I have been married for just under 4 years. My husband and I met in high school, dated on and off for around 7 years, and then finally got married. During those 7 years, we would date for about a year or so, then break-up and go our separate ways. But, about 6 months later, we would be drawn back towards each other and end up getting back together. Out of the blue, he has now come to me telling me that he has been unhappy for about a year or so, and is done. He is a firefighter, so he isn't home much to begin with, but he has been home even less since telling me this. I have talked to him briefly about what was bugging him, and the only information I have been able to get is that he didn't feel like I was letting him spend enough time with just his friends. I have tried now giving him his space, allowing him to go out with his friends as much as he wants. He is completely unwilling to try counseling, so I am doing all I can to see help elsewhere. This is very new and surprising to myself and all of our family and friends, but I get a strange feeling that more people are supporting him in whatever he chooses and not in pushing him towards saving our marriage. Any advice one what else I can do, how long I give him space, or even how much space I give him would be great. I just can't imagine being without him, but I don't want to suffocate him and lose him. Thanks in advance for any help.

On line advice is VERY DANGEROUS because we are not professionals, we don't know you or him, and we don't need to worry about the consequences.

That said (a) Is he the same guy you married or has he changed? Did he always want to be with his friends or is this something new (change)?

(b) Is it him that you love/need or the marriage that you love/need? If its him its worth looking deeper, trying to talk about it, begging him to go to counseling. If he refuses then he is either too immature or too self-centered to waste time on. If it's the marriage that you want he becomes less relevant. Let him go be with his friendsand find someone who wants to be with you.

I remember personally making a decision to give up some season tickets to my favorite NFL team because I felt guilty about taking so much week-end time away from my family. If I had not I'm not sure we would have lasted the 37 years that we have so far. Friends are great, but in the crunch its you, your spouse and your immediate family that count.

Just remember though, what I started with: On line advice is VERY DANGEROUS because we are not professionals, we don't know you or him, and we don't need to worry about the consequences.