[shnookem]

Hello,
First a little background!
I have represented myself over the last five years since my ex and I divorced. He has always had an attorney, but I was fortunate enough to get almost everything I wanted. I feel the children's relationship with their father is very important. I am their primary care parent, but he has them every wed. night and every other Wed. through Sun. which I requested. He consistently violates the parenting plan (i.e. not allowing me to phone children when they are with him, goes out of state on vacation without proper notification, he moved once without proper notification, etc. all of which are addressed in parenting plan) The only thing he follows is the residential schedule (though he is constantly late dropping them off).

I have filed contempt orders twice. The first time he was required to give me his new address and the judge told him to follow the parenting plan, but he was not found in contempt. The second time he was found in contempt and was once again just told to follow the order. Once again, he has not for the last year since the contempt order. I have documented to the best of my ability when he did not, but knowing I need to show a pattern I just keep records and continue to follow it myself. Well, last week he moved 30 min. away from the kids school once again without the proper notification that is stated in the parenting. It is also my daughters birthday which it is his year to plan the party and I am suppose to be invited too. He said he was having the party this weekend, but refused to tell the me the information (which he is suppose to two weeks prior to party) and I received a phone message from my daughter who was whispering so she wouldn't get caught calling crying (I couldn't understand the message) and I have tried to call since then and have gotten no response. I just received an email that he is taking them camping this weekend (therefore, my daughter is not having a birthday party).

OK now the question... sorry for the such a long explanation. Because he did not follow the parenting plan in regards to his move (and the other stuff) should I file for contempt again and if so what rights do I have to ask for. I have always just left that discretion to the judge, but there are so many things I didn't talk about, that are just harmful to my children. They cry to me all the time and ask why their dad is so mean to me and talks so bad about me, etc. So, I guess what can I ask for if he is found in contempt? I would appreciate any thoughts.

Thank you,
Shree

Oh by the way, I am in Washington State.

[stinawords]

Well as good of a job that you may have been doing reprsenting yourself if you want more results you are going to have to get a lawyer. As the kids get older the parenting plan is going to change not that I agree with his decision to move away with out taking the proper steps but if you continue to file contempt charges over small things the judge will think you are just a whinner. I can't stress the importance enough of getting a lawyer generally if one party has a lawyer and the other dosen't... the one with the lawyer always "wins" which can be shown by him just getting a slap on the wrist. What you can ask the judge for if you file again is for modified visitaion bring in your notebook (or whatever you have been keeping notes in which is a good idea and we will also recommend all the time). I can't tell how long my answer is getting so I'll stop soon and you can ask more questions and get more answers.

[N0help4u]

If he is being abusive to the point that it is harmful and abusive you need to have your kids tell you everything and document that as well if you haven't. Then you can go to court and request supervised visits or Child protective services to investigate him while they are visiting him.

[shnookem]

Thank you so much for your advice. I would love to be able to higher an attorney, it is so time consuming and emotional drain each time I go to court. The one problem is I am a graduate student and do not have the money for attorney. Therefore, I am stuck with just my own wits and the hard work. So, do you have any suggestions on what I can ask for if he is found in contempt. I was considering if he is found in contempt and because it is his second contmept and from what I have read I can request a change in residential time, is this appropriate?

[shnookem]

Oops! You already said I could ask for a modification in residential time... sorry, guess I should have read the answer better. :) thank you!

[Fr_Chuck]

Well I can say that he must have had a bad attorney, I have not seen such a restrictive plan ever. I am surprised to be honest he has not went back to court to get a much less restrictive plan, So if this was him writing, I would say to go back to court and get the plan changed greatly, since I don't know of any courts doing plans like this now adays unless there is some danger in this for the children.

But this is you, at the most the husband will be warned maybe given a small fine for being in contempt and ordered to follow the plan. But you can do this is you would like.

[meagank]

I rember one time when I had to go to court with my ex husband and could not afford a lawyer and did not have enough proof for things to be presented I called a lawyer and was able to get a free consualtion with him and a few things I could do one of them was any phone calls he made to me and left on the answering machine I could use in court anything else he had said or done was gooing to be hear say between me and him so if I was you I would save all voice recordings form him I would even save the one from your doughter if he calls you I would try and let the voice mail pic up to see if he will leave a message and if it is anything you can use in court best of luck

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Hello,
First a little background!
I have represented myself over the last five years since my ex and I divorced. He has always had an attorney, but I was fortunate enough to get almost everything I wanted. I feel the children's relationship with their father is very important. I am their primary care parent, but he has them every wed. night and every other Wed. through Sun. which I requested. He consistently violates the parenting plan (i.e. not allowing me to phone children when they are with him, goes out of state on vacation without proper notification, he moved once without proper notification, ect. all of which are addressed in parenting plan) The only thing he follows is the residential schedule (though he is constantly late dropping them off).

I have filed contempt orders twice. The first time he was required to give me his new address and the judge told him to follow the parenting plan, but he was not found in contempt. The second time he was found in contempt and was once again just told to follow the order. Once again, he has not for the last year since the contempt order. I have documented to the best of my ability when he did not, but knowing I need to show a pattern I just keep records and continue to follow it myself. Well, last week he moved 30 min. away from the kids school once again without the proper notification that is stated in the parenting. It is also my daughters birthday which it is his year to plan the party and I am suppose to be invited too. He said he was having the party this weekend, but refused to tell the me the information (which he is suppose to two weeks prior to party) and I received a phone message from my daughter who was whispering so she wouldn't get caught calling crying (I couldn't understand the message) and I have tried to call since then and have gotten no response. I just received an email that he is taking them camping this weekend (therefore, my daughter is not having a birthday party).

OK now the question...sorry for the such a long explanation. Because he did not follow the parenting plan in regards to his move (and the other stuff) should I file for contempt again and if so what rights do I have to ask for. I have always just left that discretion to the judge, but there are so many things I didnt talk about, that are just harmful to my children. They cry to me all the time and ask why their dad is so mean to me and talks so bad about me, ect. So, I guess what can I ask for if he is found in contempt? I would appreciate any thoughts.

Thank you,
Shree

Oh by the way, I am in Washington State.

I empathize.

All you can do is keep taking accurate daily notes in a diary of everything that happens, if he doesn't call one day, write it down. Soon a pattern will show through that diary. When he calls, let the answering device pick it up, save and record each call as well as transcribing them for future court document evidence. If your child is with him when he calls, ask to speak with her first, and when done and he is back on the line, give an excuse to have to hang up and ask him to call back in a few minutes. Then let answering device record his message. Never speak with him directly until you know what his call is about and never respond to any of his hysterics with hysteric backs. Remain in control and the adult; Think of the best interest of your child first and always and be unemotional with him and in court; instead be professional.

Keep filing the contempt of court actions and attaching in a supporting declaration all the evidence that backs your claim of his violations. Sooner or later the judge will grow weary of him and give him more than a slap on the wrist. But be careful the judge does not grow tired of you coming in with what they consider petty complaints. Remember, it is a parent's job to try to be civil to one another for the sake of the child (ren). As I tell clients, you loved this person once enough to marry them and raise a family with them; can't you set aside your disagreements enough for it not to affect or effect the life of the child(ren)? The courts are overbooked and overloaded; they actually appreciate it when two parents can actually just file stipulated agreements in regards to the matter instead of bickering in court or in front of kid(s) which is not a good example for the kid(s)

Someday he may change, but probably not. Someday the court may do more than a slap to his wrist, but probably not. But what can happen is you keep diligent records, not letting it consume you and realize this too shall pass, sooner than you know it your kids will be 18 and adults and on their journey will have formed their own opinion of how each parent helped or hindered them on that journey. It will be the parent who acted selflessly and made the best choices for them that will be the one they try to become themselves as they mature and have kids of their own.

For those of us not fortune enough to be in a home with a loving mother and father (under the same roof), who have to raise our kids alone and watch while our ex remarries and starts a new family, Well that is hard on any adult to endure alone, but think of how the child of the broken marriage feels too. All we can do is make the best of it all for them, whether we agree with our ex's actions or not.

As for what your ex says to your kids about you, be sure to comfort them as best you can while not saying anything mean or vengeful back about their dad. Ensure them it has no reflection on how great of kids they are; that they are the best kids in the world and just change the subject and play a game of monopoly or something to reinforce their family bond with you.

If you feel his actions are detrimental to their best interests, file a motion with the court for a change in visitation or request supervised visitation until the kids no longer feel the sounding box of their father.

I would document what they say in that diary too.
And before any further court action; I would try to set up a meeting to talk to him in a public place about the kids civilly and professionally. Tell him your concerns and ask him how he thinks you two could reach a solution and compromise without going before a judge or mediator or being dragged into court again, maybe he will wise up and start being a nicer parent and a better ex. Plus, I bet if he visions you trying to talk to him in a respectful manner instead of the threat he will lighten up on his bad mouthing you to the kids too.
It would be nice if he came to understand that him doing so would be in the best interest of the kids, yet would make life easier for him too. (Never let on it will make your life easier though ahhaha)

Take a mediator class, or read books on the subject. Become smarter and work smarter to let your kids grow up in a less stressful environment.
And, maybe the camping trip was the birthday party, they do not all have to be cake, balloons and clowns... We have two 'parties' sometimes, which the kids love.

Best of luck, I hope something I said is of something worth think about and trying to fit into your situation.