What's Wrong With Me?
My life has been turned upside down. I met a wonderful man and the first 6 months were the most incredible I've ever experienced. I knew from the beginning he was bipolar but he never exhibited any signs or behavior that indicated it. Looking back, he was probably in a hypomanic state (he has BPII). Since, I've gone through verbal abuse, watching the man I love slowly and completely disappear due to situational as well as the chemical depression, the meds, etc.. We don't even have a relationship anymore. To make matters worse, he's having an emotional affair (he admitted to being "somewhat" attracted to her).
But I've often felt like something is "off" with me. I don't believe I have bipolar because I don't exhibit any signs of mania (I don't think). But I"m extremely sensitive, and when faced with something very emotional (such as when my boyfriend verbally attacks when he's raging) I get hysterical. I can hyperventilate, get sick, lose control of my emotions, shake or lose control of my bodily functions, and just want to not exist in those moments where I feel such pain and hurt. We are having extreme financial difficulties and I have been trying to get a permanent job - I've been temping and the money is terrible. I finally landed an assignment back at a company I've been dying to get a job at. The problem is, I absolutely hate the assignment. It's a high profile admin job where I would constantly have to "take care of" all these department heads when all I want is a job where I can disappear, sit in front of a computer or be left to do project work. So in one week, I left the job. I told my temp company I couldn't do it. Now I won't have any income.
Normally, I'm very responsible, organized, and outgoing. But I just don't want to FEEL. I've done this in the past - walked out on a job without any warning. Both times, it's been because of a feeling of being trapped. I almost feel as if everyone knows what's going on with me or can sense there's something wrong. I can't "fake it" like some people can so when I'm upset, I just want to stay in bed and sleep so I don't have to think or feel. I've called in sick to work when I've had arguments with my BF because it was too much to face people at work.
When I was feeling overwhelmed (now and the few times in my life I recall), I've also lost my appetite (something I NEVER do - even when I'm sick I want to eat). I even started eating and then making myself sick for a while. The place I was working at at that time, it felt like everyone was against me. There was one person I worked closely with who was a backstabber and that was legit - no one liked her. But then when I complained about her, I didn't get support and I started feeling like all eyes were on me. I feel that once people "see me" or I've made mistakes or done things that people frown upon, I don't want to continue. It's like I want to start all over again somewhere else and reinvent myself.
I sometimes feel I overreact to things, and when I do, it's immediate. BEfore I know it, I've already overreacted, gotten way out of control or showed way too much emotion.
This has even happened in a large circle of friends I had through a sports league. I stopped playing one season because of an injury but then because of all the issues with my boyfriend, I didn't feel like going back. Then I had a falling out with a girlfriend who is a big part of this circle (she and I were the organizers of the group). Now I feel like everyone is speculating on my life and my choices and once I feel that happens, I don't want to be around those people any more because I'm tired of people questioning me - why did I leave this job, how's your relationship, etc. etc..
I've never wanted to hurt myself yet it crosses my mind to self medicate - at the worst, a pain med to put me to sleep or a drink or two to relax but I rarely drink otherwise.
I always seem to have these big plans that everyone knows about and when they fall through or I don't go through with them, I don't want to deal with listening to people and their comments so I tend to "disappear."
I also need constant reassurance from people and I am paranoid that people are always mad at me for something or talking about me. I hate that because it especially affects my relationship.
Is it just stress or is there something else?
I know this is just a jumble - I've never actually shared this with anyone so I'm not sure if I've put this in a way that anyone will understand. But if someone does, that will be great!
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