[BIM]

UPDATE

Well my husband and I are going to counceling. First off she said that my actions were inappropriate for a married women, I agreed and apologized. Secondly, she told my husband that he needs to back off the accusations, majorly. She told him to apologize for ripping my clothes off me, he has yet to do that.

She has asked him several questions about sleeping, work, and stress relief and has come to the conclusion that he is probably dealing with depression and anxiety. He went to his family doctor and got some Paxill and a medication when he feels like he cannot sleep because his mind is racing and won't shut off.

Me on the other hand is working on trying to be a better wife. I have not gone out with my friends since this ordeal (July 8). I am feeling a little lonely though, my friends don't call or come over anymore because they make comments about having to "get permission." I have mentioned to my husband if it would be all right to go out for supper with them, and he said if it is not at a bar (sports bar) or someplace that serves alcohol. He made a comment to the counselor that he doesn't like my actions when I drink,so she went off on a tangent asking if I am an alcoholic. For the record, I am not. I drink every-so-often, I guess I am feeling a little controlled, but I am trying to ease his mind and make him comfortable.

I feel the situations is leveling off and the councelor is trying to work on why I flirted and what my husband can do to gear the flirting towards him and make him get the attention because that is what he said he didn't like, and I understand that now.

I guess I flirted to make myself feel better - I have gained about 15 pounds over the past year-and I am feeling crappy. My husband has made comments like "have another cookie" or "hey, why not have more ice cream" and then he sets Victoria Secret magazines on the table on marks pages of things he thinks I should wear - I get mixed messages. I am 5'5" and was 127 lbs last summer and now I am 142 and I hate it!

But anyway I thought I would give everyone a little update on the situation. There were a lot of comments about my behavior - I am really not a bad person and I swear I did not commit adulty (as some may think) I just made some poor choices. :rolleyes:

[ilovcali]

That's good. I'm glad you guys are getting therapy. Sounds like you guys needed it. I suggested to my ex we get counceling but she didn't want to because:

"if we need counceling before we're married, then maybe something is wrong?"

I think it would have helped us. She had some of the same tendencies you seem to have. Sounds like it's helping you guys. I commend you for putting effort into the relationship. I wish my ex had done the same. Counceling can be good, regardless of marriage or not. Especially if it saves the relationship.

Good luck.

[kp2171]

Glad you are both getting some help.

Hope you both get to some middle ground. He's going to have to be OK with you going out with friends in the long run, and you're going to have to be sensitive to his frustrations. Hopefully with reassurrance you can both get to a better place soon.

[Skell]

Good to hear. It seems as though there is still some way to go but I can only applaud you for making such an effort.
Well done to you and your husband!
Keep it up!

[Wildcat21]

WoW! I am so glad you went. I wanted you to look at things differently - and now it seems like you have.

I hope you don't feel I was trying gto protect your husband - he is more the problem than anything. Never was trying to protect him. Sounds like he has major issues.

If he hasn't apologised yet, well - that is right at all. If he's not willing to apologise for an terrrible act... well, maybe time to move on. That's messed up.

That's not right for him to say things about food. I can see now why you acted the way you did. Those food comments are a form of verbal abuse... no one deserves that. I am wondering if your weight is a result of being very unhappy him - me thinks so.

[BIM]

WildCat - The food problem could be just that. I guess sometimes I feel "why not eat something if he is going to make comments any way." I guess now I need to find a way to distract myself when I want to snack. My weakness is salty stuff (ie chips and dip).

I don't feel as though I am too over weight, I am just not comfortable with my body. I feel I used to look better.

Thanks

[Wildcat21]

Well, it's horrible that he says that. He must be an insecure man - that sucks.

I hate to say this - but do you exercise regularly? I do cardo or basketball and lift weights almost daily - It so important - give you confidence.

We don't know each other so I have to say this You have to exercise!! You have to. No way around it.

[K_3]

I agree, exercise makes you feel so good. Even a walk is healthy and invigorating and you can tone and loose weight.

[BIM]

Yes, I do admit I need to exercise. I used to run 4 miles daily (in my younger years) and have always tried to keep fit and tone. But in '94 I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid arthritis and it has gotten increasingly harder to exercise. It has been consistently in my knees and feet for some time. I am on Enbrel shots weekly and 5 methotrexate weekly. This is absolutely no excuse for not exercising, but it does put a wrench in it at times.

I would be up for any suggestions on what else can be done to exercise on "bad days". Do any of you have reviews on the Ab Lounge? I thought about that because there would be no impact on my joints. I realize it only works the stomach, but I would like to work on that area. I also am getting an eliptical (?) machine that I think would work w/o the joint impact.

Thanks:)

[Wildcat21]

Even walking a long distance - at least 1/2 have hour works - light weights help as well.

[mysticque]

I didn't read the whole story its quite a lot and I've got lots of paper to clear out my desk.. Anyway I've read some of the responses and your original post. I think you should admit that you also made a mistake here. At your age you shouldn't be doing things like a teenage would do. I'm 27 yrs old. I don't act like my niece. I'd be ashamed of myself if people think I've never had enough over the years. People talk. Your friends talk but then I don't know what kind of friends you have. If I was your husband I'd be hurt the same way he reacts. It's not about overreacting. It's more about being rational. But anyway you don't need another word. You can definitely work it out with your husband if he has not been satisfying you sexually. Then ask him. The key is communication. Tell him what you want and ask him how you should keep him happy.

[phillysteakandcheese]

I didn't read the whole story...

I think it's important to read through the discussion in order to give an informed response...
Especially in a discussion that's been going on for a month.

[mysticque]

My apologies. I should have read it all. I did read most of the important responses. And it just seems to me that she's not getting a candid response. I also want to point out that the only reason she's doing this is to make her actions justified so she can get away with something she has done. People need to acknowledge their mistakes in order to attain a successful life. Especially sharing it with someone you are willing to grow up with. There's also another alternative instead of going through therapy although it is very helpful. Not all situation needs therapy unless its extreme and getting to a certain point where the couple can no longer make themselves happy. Healing comes from within. Honestly most of the feedbacks she gets are biased and not making a difference. I don't know what you think about all these BIM. If you truly want an honest response then you should prepare what everyone could say to you. This thread can pull out a lot of different perspective and most people misconstrue and overlook the facts. I think it's wise that you might want to close the seal yourself.

[Wildcat21]

This is a person life here - you must read everything before giving advice. This isn't play time. This is a persons most important part of their lives. Please understand that. You don't get it.

You still don't have al lthe facts. And therapy is exptremely important in these matters.

Please don't post again unless you really have some real feedback.

[mysticque]

Wildcat, I'm not playing stupid jokes either. But you might want to keep that therapy for yourself instead.

[Skell]

Mystiqcue,

You come on here and say you haven't read the thread and then advise BIM what she should and shouldn't listen to and what she needs to do..

If you'll see at the top of the first post, this thread was started in August and has been an ongoing story. You weren't even a member when this thread was started.

Then you have the hide to suggest to Wildcat, who has read the entire thread and offered his personal views to BIM on this matter, that he needs therapy.

Very silly of you and by reading some of your replies on other threads I suggest you may need to take some of your own advice.

At the very least you must read the whole thread. People come her looking to get help and opinions on very serious issues in their life. It isn't something to simply be skimmed over.

Sorry BIM to get off topic here! But I don't think the advice given to you by this poster was good at all.

[BIM]

Not your fault Skell, but truly appreciate the apology for someone else's err. I have read several posts and commented on some, but I would never just "skim" over the facts and give an opinion. It makes a person (such as myself) that is going through, what could be a life altering event, feel important enough to someone, to stand up for them. Thanks to you all, Skell, Wildcat, Philly. Much gratitude!

[momincali]

Bim,
So glad to hear that you and your husband are getting counseling. Despite his stress, he has no right to continue to act this way, especially if he sees the effort you are putting forth. Only time and your continued actions will make him come around.

I think that your friends need to be a lot more supportive of you instead of mocking you with their little comments. This is a serious problem for you and your husband to deal with right now and they are not helping by abandoning you.

The weight issue can be a tricky one. My self-esteem was low, low, low for quite a while. I gained an additional 45 pounds when I had my son and kept it on for 6 months after he was born. I had a hard time losing it. I was a very active person before that. My husband also would make little comments here and there, not too rough, but enough for it to bother me. Then I realized the reason it bothered me was because it was true. I started walking, than jogging after a few weeks. I now run 6 miles a day, 5 days a week and take a two classes (pilates and cardio), alternate evenings. I am active in Tae Kwon Do and that helps keep me disciplined. I got my husband involved in the exercise too. Although he wasn't overweight, if I was going to sweat, he was too. He agreed, and it brought us closer. I lost the 45 pounds in 8 months, but I had to put my whole self into it and remind myself everyday, that I was worth it. I also realized that I owe my husband and family, my best self, and being that overweight, I wasn't. I was taking our marriage for granted, that if he was married to me, I could be fat or skinny and he had to take it no matter what. That just isn't true. Having a baby was no excuse. Once my physical health improved, the mental and emotional health followed. If you really it, than make a change. Tell your husband that both of you taking walks and slowly picking up the pace will help you in more ways than one and that you'd like to give your marriage the best shot you can.

Best of luck to you.

[BIM]

ANOTHER UPDATE!!!!! NEED MORE ADVICE!!!!

I am sorry to keep bothering everyone here, but I'm at a cross road. My husband and I (as you know) have been going to a counsellor 3 times now and I feel things have been going pretty well. This morning I gave him a kiss goodbye and said I would talk to him later, everything normal.

Well, he calls me about 1 hour after I get to work and tells me our marriage is over. I asked why, he said he got onto my e-mail (at home) and found some pictures I had e-mailed to those "guys" from the party. Now, I did emailed them right after the party and have apologized for everything time and time again. I did not have any of these in my inbox or trash, I was trying to get rid of everything that caused us the problems in the first place. They were the pictures of the one guy that picked me up and the one I sat on his lap. Now, I know I was completely out of line when it happened. We have been going to counselling. Things have been (I thought) going rather well considering "my screw up" I completely have taken responsibility for the problem we are having and have been trying for sometime to turn over a new leaf.

I left work and went home to talk to him and try to calm him down. He has said 3 times since this ordeal (July 8)that "he's done", "if I want those people I can have them" I have tried to prove my loyalty to our marriage, but he keeps digging things up and wanting to fight over it. I know I have lost his trust and it takes work to get it back. BUT, I didn't have sex with anyone and he tells me that he "knows I have" and that he can "feel it in his gut" that I did.

What more can I do to resolve this problem? I love him, and I admitted I screwed up. I flirted and went over my boundries. He even said today that he knows I have been trying, but he just cannot get passed it.

He tells me he's done, but then when I ask him if he wants me to leave he says "you make that decision, it is up to me" Well if it was up to me I don't want to leave, I am not the one saying "I'm done." I have told him that if I wanted someone else I would be gone, but he is the one I want and I am sorry for hurting him, but I am trying to make it work.

I don't want to start over again.

Please be honest, but kind... please.

[BIM]

Also, my husband saw that I am coming on this websight and is mad that I am asking complete strangers questions and putting my "life" out there for the whole world to see. I told him that I am doing this to get help and different views on this problem. I also told him that people don't just take my side - but gives their honest opinion whether I like it or not. I also told him that no one knows me nor do I know them. I don't know...