[Alty]

I hear what you are saying, what I mean is there has to be sexual attraction for a relationship to work, if he didn't feel that then there would have been no hope whatsoever. Yes, but that is my point, why can he not chat with me, its gone full circle now! If he felt nothing for me then surely it wouldn't have been a problem and I know for a fact he has one female friend who he has been friends with for a very long, so does that mean he cannot talk to her either?

What he chooses to do with his other friendships is no concern of yours.

You keep looking for answers we can't give you. The only thing we can tell you is what we've told you from the very start. He has a girlfriend, he's decided that his contact with you is not healthy for his new relationship, so he's decided to cut off contact with you, which is his right.

If you want to sit there and try to figure out why, feel free, but none of this questioning will give you the answer you're hoping to hear, which is that he has feelings for you. Obviously his feelings for the girlfriend outrank any feelings he has for you. Accept it and move on, that's the healthiest thing to do.

[Val_54]

You already know he is adamant of staying out of LDR's. And why have you not shut him down instead of letting him contact you under the guise of friendship?

I suspect you would jump at the chance for romance and that's what your curiosity is based on. I also suspect if distance wasn't the issue, you wouldn't have to settle for this titillating friendship.

So just stop questioning HIS motives and actions, and question your own because from the outside looking in I think the curiosity excuse is flimsy, and you should stop the curiosity game before you start believing it yourself, if indeed you already have.

I don't think his flirting has any meaning myself, just online fun because its gone no where in 4 years, and has you too curious.

When he first told me, after a few weeks of chatting that he had changed his mind about meeting me, I was prepared to walk away and let him go, but he insisted that he wanted to carry on chatting, so I thought well OK no harm is being done so went along with it. We were both lonely people and chatting in the evenings was nice, we had a laugh, shared problems etc he became a good friend. Then I got to thinking that maybe I should stop this and told him that I did like him a lot and enjoyed our chats but I needed to move on and wouldn't be chatting anymore. He said he would miss me but understood. Then the very next time I went on line to chat to a friend of mine he messaged me straight away saying he thought I had gone! I never said I wouldn't be going on line just that I couldn't continue chatting to him!

Subject to meeting him and being sure of what I feel is true then yes, I would like the chance to date him and get to know him better.

I'm not questioning his motives or actions all I asked was why he couldn't chat to me anymore is this because he has some kind of feelings towards me which in turn make him feel guilty towards his girl friend, it a simple question really.

I have my own thoughts on this and a friend of mine agrees with me. We live 100 miles apart he has no transport and no job so wouldn't be easy to meet up unless he went on the train or I drove to him or as we had previously discussed we met half way.

So as far as you are concerned this man feels absolutely nothing for me whatsoever, which after 4 years I don't believe is true!

What he chooses to do with his other friendships is no concern of yours.

You keep looking for answers we can't give you. The only thing we can tell you is what we've told you from the very start. He has a girlfriend, he's decided that his contact with you is not healthy for his new relationship, so he's decided to cut off contact with you, which is his right.

If you want to sit there and try to figure out why, feel free, but none of this questioning will give you the answer you're hoping to hear, which is that he has feelings for you. Obviously his feelings for the girlfriend outrank any feelings he has for you. Accept it and move on, that's the healthiest thing to do.

It makes no difference whether he has feelings for me or not - he's the one who has stepped over the line not me and now has decided he has to stop. It was just a simple question which has dragged on because my point of why can he not chat to me was missed. No one has answered that question about men and women being friends without them feeling guilty.

I think if there are no feelings romatically or physically then there shouldn't be any guilt or feelings of cheating, but if there are feelings of one or the other then that would generate guilt in my opinion!

All I was looking for was a view on my previous paragraph!

[Homegirl 50]

He could be sexually attracted to you. 100 miles is not a great distance. In 4 years If this guy wanted to connect he would have.

[talaniman]

Enough of this speculation, what do YOU think this is all about? That's better than guessing at what you want to hear, and given the 3 pages of opinions give us YOUR insights.

[Val_54]

He could be sexually attracted to you. 100 miles is not a great distance. In 4 years If this guy wanted to connect he would have.

He is he told me he was and this was why he had to stop chatting to me. 100 miles is not great distance I agree, but he is out of work so has very little money, he doesn't drive so would have to travel by train which is OK but not an easy journey from where he lives. Also he suffers from IBS quite badly when I first knew him which made travelling even more difficult as he often felt unwell and was on a very restricted diet. The distance isn't too great for me as I have a car but I think with his past experiences and being badly hurt by two people has made him very wary of meeting someone who doesn't live close by.

But my question was why couldn't he chat to me now he has a girl friend if there were not any kind of feelings or thoughts, if there were no feelings he could chat with out feeling guilty surely?

Enough of this speculation, what do YOU think this is all about? That's better than guessing at what you want to hear, and given the 3 pages of opinions give us YOUR insights.

My thoughts are that if he didn't feel anything for me either in an emotional or physical way, then he wouldn't feel guilty chatting to me or feel like he was cheating on his girl friend. Its obvious to me because I would probably feel the same, if I was seeing someone and had feelings for him then it would feel wrong of me to chat and flirt with him, which of course it would be. But if I did, then I would be questioning myself as to whether I should be with this person in the first place.

[talaniman]

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. Its an old song from back in the day.

But never assume that your thinking or feeling are what another thinks or feels. The issue is no longer about your curiosity, but what YOU do going forward. What is that?

[Homegirl 50]

How old are you? Maybe he is addicted to erotic chat and he likes it with you and that is why he feels guilty. Maybe he wants to have a normal relationship with this woman now.
I don't understand why you are so hung up on this. He gave you a reason, accept it.
Or maybe he has been lying to you all this time and wants to end it.

[Val_54]

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with. Its an old song from back in the day.

But never assume that your thinking or feeling are what another thinks or feels. The issue is no longer about your curiosity, but what YOU do going forward. What is that?

I don't but everyone has their own idea's as to why someone has done what they have done its human nature. All I was saying was, because he says he finds me sexually attractive and imagines things then this is why he had to stop chatting to me, so I must be in his head at times and this makes him feel guilty & therefore he feels like he is cheating, so I am assuming that this is the reason.

How old are you? Maybe he is addicted to erotic chat and he likes it with you and that is why he feels guilty. Maybe he wants to have a normal relationship with this woman now.
I don't understand why you are so hung up on this. He gave you a reason, accept it.
Or maybe he has been lying to you all this time and wants to end it.

Our friendship is not based on erotic chat. Sometime sex doesn't even get mentioned we talk about all sorts from football to politics, to films to what we believe in as far as religion is concerned. We discussed his job situation just things like you would if you were meeting a friend for a coffee its just that we are behind a computer screen or on webcam. He doesn't lie I just firmly believe that he is attracted to me as he said he was but is unable to take things any further due to the distance, so he has met someone else and is now unable to chat to me because of the thoughts which go through his head when he does, and therefore this makes him feel guilty and feels like he is cheating. I fully understand that and told him so. I do really like this guy I have been single for a very long time and sadly I am very fussy when it comes to men, I found someone who I am very attracted to emotionally and physically, but my frustration is not ever having met him to see if what I feel is true to life. I have emailed him so that he knows how I feel but also said that I also need to move on and wished him all the luck in the world. We had very strong friendship and he said he will always consider me a good friend a I do him.

[joypulv]

You sound like a reasonable and intelligent woman, yet you are so hung up on your original question (why he can't continue chatting just because he has a girlfriend). No matter what we suggest might be a reason, you persist. I'm just not getting it. Surely you understand that we don't know his mind any more than you do, and that you know him better than we do.

Each time you respond, you let out little tidbits about him. No job, no money, no car, and a medical problem that limits getting around... the perfect conditions for online relationships. I still think that he will be back. When he does, offer to go the 100 miles to see him!

[Val_54]

You sound like a reasonable and intelligent woman, yet you are so hung up on your original question (why he can't continue chatting just because he has a girlfriend). No matter what we suggest might be a reason, you persist. I'm just not getting it. Surely you understand that we don't know his mind any more than you do, and that you know him better than we do.

Each time you respond, you let out little tidbits about him. No job, no money, no car, and a medical problem that limits getting around ... the perfect conditions for online relationships. I still think that he will be back. When he does, offer to go the 100 miles to see him!

I don't expect any of you to know the answer I just asked for an opinion that's all. I know I keep adding things but after 4 years there has been quite lot to remember and add them as I think of them, I'm just to trying to give you a better picture of the situation.

You say you think he will be back, what makes you think that? Possibly, if things don't work out with his girlfriend maybe? I will take your advice and suggest that I will come and visit for him for day though.

[joypulv]

I think he will be back because:
1. He left once before.
2. He has a history of falling in love too fast, too much, and I suspect he drives women away.
3. He has no money for dates, gifts, maybe even paying his own way.
4. He can't go out for very long with IBS.
5. I hesitate to say this, but he clearly also likes you.

I wouldn't offer to go see him unless this girlfriend doesn't work out. He's already made it clear that he wants to spend all his time on her.

[Val_54]

I think he will be back because:
1. He left once before.
2. He has a history of falling in love too fast, too much, and I suspect he drives women away.
3. He has no money for dates, gifts, maybe even paying his own way.
4. He can't go out for very long with IBS.
5. I hesitate to say this, but he clearly also likes you.

I wouldn't offer to go see him unless this girlfriend doesn't work out. He's already made it clear that he wants to spend .

Ok, well he did fall in love too fast but not anymore in fact he seems quite the opposite now and is scared to show his feelings. True he doesn't have much money, he has done a couple of temp job recently but that ended just after we started chatting again. His IBS seems more under control these days but not really talked about it recently. What makes you think he likes me?

I wouldn't, of course offer to go and see him whilst he was with his girl friend, but a funny thing is in the evenings when I am on my laptop he often logs into his account as a notification shows on my screen. This is very often a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night when most people would be seeing their girlfriends, so wonder when he see's her as its often during the week too, unless of course he only see's her in the daytime.

[joypulv]

'What makes you think he likes me?'
That was why I was so hesitant to even mention it as speculation. I refuse to keep this going, because it seems to be what you want so desperately to hear. You are going to have to find out the real truth to all these questions from HIM.

[talaniman]

Possibly, if things don't work out with his girlfriend maybe?

What you call curiosity, I call wishful thinking and false hope. Neither should keep you from a real life with real people as I think its not productive to waste time on a guy who, who under guise of friendship, you want more with but can't have. Its unhealthy to even speculate the mind motives of others with so few facts as humans are seldom so logical.

For sure you know his priorities don't match yours and for sure while confounding to you, his words and actions do match and have for 4 years.

I found someone who I am very attracted to emotionally and physically, but my frustration is not ever having met him to see if what I feel is true to life. I have emailed him so that he knows how I feel but also said that I also need to move on and wished him all the luck in the world. We had very strong friendship and he said he will always consider me a good friend a I do him.

When you ignore facts for a single minded idea, then its no longer curiosity, its obsession. It doesn't take much to cross a line.

I really do hope you get a chance to explore and experiment with love and romance in person, but logically, its not going to happen soon, so be realistic and explore your other options and opportunities you may be missing with this obsession.

[Homegirl 50]

I think this whole relationship is unhealthy. He is either lying you or he is being honest but after 4 years this has gotten nowhere and probably will go nowhere. Maybe he knows this too and he meets someone and disappears then comes back to you if it doesn't work. You say you have met someone you can have a real relationship with but you are hung up on this online one. That is unhealthy. Think about it!

[Val_54]

'What makes you think he likes me?'
That was why I was so hesitant to even mention it as speculation. I refuse to keep this going, because it seems to be what you want so desperately to hear. You are going to have to find out the real truth to all these questions from HIM.

Ok fair enough, thank you for comments. Like I said it was only an opinion I was after and the reason behind it, I think its run its course now.

I think this whole relationship is unhealthy. He is either lying you or he is being honest but after 4 years this has gotten nowhere and probably will go nowhere. Maybe he knows this too and he meets someone and disappears then comes back to you if it doesn't work. You say you have met someone you can have a real relationship with but you are hung up on this online one. That is unhealthy. Think about it!

I was only asking for an opinion as to why he cannot chat to me, nothing more. I haven't met met anyone, not sure where that came from. If I had then I guess I wouldn't be questioning his motives. All I was saying was, I believe he cannot chat to me as a friend because he has thoughts about me instead of his girl friend which makes him feel guilty. I think that's the bottom line and going to leave it at that.

What you call curiosity, I call wishful thinking and false hope. Neither should keep you from a real life with real people as I think its not productive to waste time on a guy who, who under guise of friendship, you want more with but can't have. Its unhealthy to even speculate the mind motives of others with so few facts as humans are seldom so logical.

For sure you know his priorities don't match yours and for sure while confounding to you, his words and actions do match and have for 4 years.


When you ignore facts for a single minded idea, then its no longer curiosity, its obsession. It doesn't take much to cross a line.

I really do hope you get a chance to explore and experiment with love and romance in person, but logically, its not going to happen soon, so be realistic and explore your other options and opportunities you may be missing with this obsession.

I knew 4 years ago it wasn't going anywhere - that wasn't my question, which was why can't he chat to me now he has a girlfriend! I believe its because of the thoughts that he has of me to own admission, that make him feel guilty. I'm going to leave it there now, I think, thank you for your input

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe he feels there is no point to continuing this relationship that will go nowhere, that he needs to concentrate on the present. I still think all of this questioning of his motives and his coming and going show how dysfunctional this is. Maybe it is easier for both of you.
You both need some one you can actually see and interact with.

[talaniman]

This whole online thing is a tease and poor substitute for reality for you both. Sorry to be blunt but reality trumps wants, and curiosity, and while he has a girlfriend, maybe a jealous snoopy one, the situation is what it is. And you can't change it, only he can.

He probably only wants to chat when his relationship is rocky or after conflicts with her, which happens and that's just my guess but this isn't even a good friendship as long as you hold hope for more. That never works out well.

Good luck.

[Val_54]

Maybe he feels there is no point to continuing this relationship that will go nowhere, that he needs to concentrate on the present. I still think all of this questioning of his motives and his coming and going show how dysfunctional this is. Maybe it is easier for both of you.
You both need some one you can actually see and interact with.

Like I Said I only wanted an opinion as to why he can't talk to me anymore or the reasons behind it & everyone seems to think I'm asking why we are not in a relationship. I know what I think I just wondered what others thought & it's gone into a very long discussion when a simple answer would have done. As a relationship it is dysfunctional but as friends chatting on line it's not, we used to have a great time talking for hours sometimes & I miss that. He can't keep it platonic but I can, knowing he has a girl friend now I wouldn't dream of saying anything sexual to him but it seems when he chats to me he cannot do the same.

[talaniman]

Would you let your boyfriend chat with a female that is sexually attracted to him? Of course not, and his girlfriend probably doesn't want him chatting with you. Can he tell you that? Hell NO!

You seem to be stuck on one aspect of this and ignore the obvious since his girlfriend would kick his butt for chatting with a female on line, and you have swallowed his excuse for 4 years. Don't believe me? Read some of the similar posts here about the social network and its affects on real relationships.